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Original poster

Paying for holidays when dating

26 replies

Happyfoodie50 · 18/03/2017 13:46

Last year me and my boyfriend of 6 years went on holiday to France but I booked the hotel and he contributed tolls but his credit card didn't work and I ended up paying the lionshare of the holiday. He never discussed it when we got home and I felt bad as he earns less than me. This year we are going away in a fortnight . I've booked the first week as it was a bargain and he paid for the eurotunnel. The thing is we looked at a place for the second week and he said ok book it without offering anything.i know we have been together ages but I always feel awkward as earn more than him but have less disposable income as I have 2 teenagers I support , bigger mortgage and a dog so feel it's unfair that he is expecting me to pay. I feel I'm being mean and feel annoyed that he's not discussing or offering to pay his share.

OP posts:
Original poster
Happyfoodie50 · 18/03/2017 13:47

Just to add we don't live together

OP posts:
Neverknowing · 18/03/2017 13:54

I would address this now. You sort of set a precedent for what he has to pay for, I dated a guy for four years and basically paid for everything. He stopped offering and thought of it as normal, I wish I'd said something then and it's the reason we broke up because I thought he was stingy tbh. I think it's my fault though because I made it normal that I'd pay!!

SparklingRaspberry · 18/03/2017 14:08

He clearly expects you to pay by his comment of "just book it".

No matter how much you earn, he shouldn't just expect things. He should be offering half! My partner earns three times as much as me, yet I still pay half when we go away or do big things together.

Just because he earns more it doesn't mean he should automatically pay more for things we're doing together. If I couldn't pay towards it, I wouldn't say yes to doing it. The same should go in your relationship.

Speak to him. Say you want half of the money.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 18/03/2017 14:10

If you booked and paid for the first week and he paid for nominal extra then he needs to book the second week and you pay the nominal extra!!

OffRoader · 18/03/2017 14:13

Just say 'I want to get that 2nd week booked up, can you transfer me your half so I can reserve it before it goes?'

Simple.

user1476185294 · 18/03/2017 14:17

You need to work this out. You need to establish your financial boundaries, and not just go along with things. If he didn't mention money when you got back from holiday why didn't you bring it up?
I think 6 years in if you can't have an honest conversation about something then you have issues and I'd be questioning the relationship going forwards. You need to tell him you can't afford x, y and z unless he pays half.

Voice0fReason · 18/03/2017 14:22

This is how much it will cost if we split it 50/50, is that ok with you?
Can you pay me the deposit now so I can get it booked and the rest by the end of the month?

frieda909 · 18/03/2017 14:36

I don't mean to sound like I'm on my high horse, but threads like this always confuse me. If he's your partner of six years then can't you just talk to him about it?

I know it can feel awkward but when you've been with someone that long it really shouldn't feel unreasonable to raise the subject of money, especially for a holiday you're taking together!

Perhaps he thinks you've come to an unspoken arrangement that these kinds of things are on you? But it really shouldn't be a big deal to ask him.

DevelopingDetritus · 18/03/2017 14:41

Yeah, it needed nipping in the bud to start with but not to worry, lay it on thick now and put him straight. You've got nothing to worry about. You're being reasonable and if he's a decent bloke there shouldn't be much of a problem.
Hope you enjoy your holiday.

TheNaze73 · 18/03/2017 17:47

He sounds like a ponce

Trollspoopglitter · 18/03/2017 18:23

Ok how much was the eurotunnel? So I owe X. The first week was 000 so you owe Y. The 2nd week came up to 000 so I need Z from you if you.

He told you to book it. You tell him how much it is. Not how much he "owes you" but how much it costs to book it.

Dozer · 18/03/2017 18:25

Costs should be equally split unless explicitly agreed otherwise, in advance. Very rude of him to say "just book it"!

CatsDogsandDC · 18/03/2017 20:52

I'd just assume he is paying half and be very matter of fact about it: so the total cost is this which means £x each. I have paid my £X which leaves your £X, can you pay that now?

I don't think you should ever pay more than half as you have less disposable income. Does he understand that?

Chocolatecake12 · 18/03/2017 20:57

I'm off on holiday with my new dp. We are paying half despite the fact he earns more than me and I have more outgoings with children etc.
I wouldn't expect him to pay more.
During the holiday he will probably pay for a few meals out as will I.
You have to say to him now that the holiday costs this much so he can either transfer the money to you now or book the second week himself and pay for it as you've paid for the first week,

inkydinky · 18/03/2017 21:09

I suspect that you've not said anything because you don't like the way the conversation will go. I had an ex like this and I was embarrassed to bring it up. In reality HE should have been embarrassed about allowing me to pay, and feeling entitled to me subsidising him. This was the key reason for us finishing. He would say it was because I am "money obsessed" Hmm. Once I started thinking that every pound I subbed him was a pound that I could have been saving for my children it changed my perspective on it considerably! I look back and have no clue why I ever did it to begin with. I'm single now but if I dated again this would be a red flag for sure.

Theresnonamesleft · 18/03/2017 21:30

Tell him straight. Booking the second week brings your share to whatever half is for two weeks. When can I expect this?

Oh, you don't want to pay? Well, that's you off the booking.

I never understand why people cannot have conversations with their partners about money. This is someone that you trust to share your body with and have open conversations about sex, but when it comes to money people sit and stew about it.

lottieandmia · 18/03/2017 21:44

He sounds like a cock lodger. This would annoy me! It sounds like it suits him to just let you pay. Hardly the correct thing to do.

BackforGood · 18/03/2017 22:02

I can never understand how someone can be seeing someone for 6 years, presumably in a pretty committed relationship then, and yet not be able to say "so what do you want to do about a holiday this year?....... can you afford one or shall we do our own thing?". Just seems topsy turvey to be with someone that long and not be able to talk about something as simple as this.

littleme2017 · 19/03/2017 12:32

Surely if you have been together for six years, you have had these discussions before.

Just put it to him straight: 'the total cost of the holiday was X, divided by two makes X. When can you pay your share?'

Joysmum · 19/03/2017 13:14

But weird that before even considering a holiday, you're both not talking about budget.

Before DH and I married, I was earning 6x his wage. We worked on what he could afford and it was my choice to pay more so we could do more.

FinallyHere · 19/03/2017 15:03

The fact that he isn't asking how you want his share would put me off him.

I would ask once how he wanted to pay his share, cash or transfer, or some such question and if he didn't immediately say something to indicate that he was glad to know what he needed to do to pay his share, I would not be going on any more holidays. Or at least, agreeing a budget in advance.

Strike that, I would not be organising anything with someone who was not asking about his share. How do you feel about subsidising his holiday(s)? Are you aware what your DC are missing out on, as a result? Even if it is something more abstract, like pension costs contributions, it can't be a good feeling.

Isetan · 19/03/2017 17:55

This is an aspect of his character that you need acknowledge and to adjust your behaviour accordingly because if you continue to be part of the problem (awkward silence) he will continue to take the proverbial

However, before you have a conversation with him you need to have a conversation with yourself, how is sharing bodily fluids with someone less awkward than telling them to pay there way? Your guilt and politeness has left the door open for him to take advantage and that's exactly what he's doing. He obviously isn't a person who minds being subsidised, especially by someone who has less disposable income than him, which means you're going to have to be a lot clearer and firmer about your expectations. I bet this isn't the only instance where awkward silence and concealed resentment has been your response to behaviour you don't like. This is your relationship too and you have a say, so start talking woman.

Dozer · 20/03/2017 14:28

OP has gone..

Adora10 · 20/03/2017 16:23

He's a tight wad and is making sure he's gets what he can out of you, another free holiday by the sounds of it.

Wise up OP; who would tolerate this?

Original poster
Happyfoodie50 · 20/03/2017 18:57

I'm here ! Sorry had a bug but was reading and taking everything on board. This is why these discussions open your eyes, I completely feel taken for granted and know this relationship is going to end. It's hard, I love him so much but money issues have made me feel miserable. I told him the other day that have to put my son on car insurance . He's 18 but costs so much anyway I was moaning about cost . His reply 'I don't know why you're moaning you can afford it!! No I can't I'm not s millionaire , I work in NHS and work really hard. He hasn't said anymore about the holiday and I'm definitely not booking the second week. I think I just accepted it but see how stingy he is.He has got money so he's not poor. He's more generous when out with work colleagues than to me or his children.

OP posts: