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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Boyfriend like a stuck record about sex..

23 replies

BhajiAllTheWay · 18/03/2017 13:24

Been with him 6 months now. Things are okay but I have some health issues that mean doing the deed can be really painful which he knows. We still try but often have to stop. He'll say it doesn't matter. So far so good ..but then he sends me messages about what he wants to do to me in bed, tells me how much he wants to dtd etc. I'm feeling so fed up and actually feel guilty that I can't at the moment. Is it unreasonable to want him just to leave it on a back burner. Hell ask when we can next do it. I find myself making up excuses as to why i wont be home because i know he'll ask and start talking about dressing up and other stuff. Plus he never " finishes" ( sorry tmi) and so goes on forever which is agonising for me. Feel like I just can't think straight.

OP posts:

ClemDanfango · 18/03/2017 13:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Elllicam · 18/03/2017 13:30

So he keeps going for ages despite knowing it hurts you?

Guavaf1sh · 18/03/2017 13:34

I'm sorry too I agree with the others. This is the stage where you're meant to be dtd all the time and the fact that you can't and he can't let you be means you're too mismatched. These boards are full of people unhappy with mismatched drives. Unless your health issue is likely to be short term I would ditch him too

expatinscotland · 18/03/2017 13:34

FFS, BIN HIM! The dressing up, fantasies and not finishing, this guy sounds like he uses lots of porn.

Thinkingblonde · 18/03/2017 13:36

Tell him his constant pressuring for sex is putting you right off him. And he's coming across as a sex pest.
As for the 'not finishing' does he drink? If so he's probably suffering from Brewers Droop. I knew a bloke who took for bloody ever to get to the finishing post. I hated it. It was the alcohol affecting his knob.

tipsytrifle · 18/03/2017 13:40

Agreeing with everyone. He sounds awful, OP. I hardly think you want to be reading all these sex obsessed texts either. He has a one track mind and doesn't seem to have room in that tiny space for the actual you as a person rather than a performer! At best he sounds awesomely insensitive and thoughtless.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 18/03/2017 13:42

So imagine if you were allergic to chocolate, and your best friend kept sending you texts about chocolate, photos of chocolate, recipes for chocolate cake, turning up at your house with a bar of chocolate... you'd bin them, right?

Exactly the same situation. Bin him.

PhoenixJasmine · 18/03/2017 13:45

What so he's pumping away forever because he's lost all dick sensitivity due to porn death grip syndrome whilst you're in agony, and he keeps going??!?! Who the hell wants to keep having sex with someone when it's causing them severe pain??!?! (Specific consensual kinks aside!)

This is NOT mismatched sex drives. This is him seeing you as primarily being there for him to fuck, not an equal independent human being with needs and preferences of your own. If it was just a difficulty with you physically being able to engage in PIV, there's TONNES of other stuff you could both be doing for each other, so you could both enjoy a satisfying and intimate sex life together. But that's not what's happening here. And, he's got you feeling guilty! He's got you believing that it's your duty to give him what he wants sexually regardless of your own feelings, preferences or indeed physical pain. That's just barmy.

Bin him. There can be no side to him good enough to make up for this horrible attitude demonstrated by his actions here.

Original poster

BhajiAllTheWay · 18/03/2017 13:46

No he doesn't drink. But I have wondered about the porn thing. I agree..written down it sounds dire. It's not like I can help it hurting and it does need time but I'm unhappy constantly having to read what he wants to do to me. Glad it's not me being unreasonable.

OP posts:

MaeveTheRave · 18/03/2017 13:48

Geez, dump him! He knows it hurts you and makes no effort to work around that. Selfish with no imagination. Doesnt mind hurting you. Sex pest.

pinkyredrose · 18/03/2017 13:48

Oh God just get rid. It isn't working is it. Life's too short for this crap.

scottishdiem · 18/03/2017 13:51

He is bad for you and you need to dump him. He has no empathy and doesnt care for you in a way that a partner should.

Dump him, get healthy and try dating again. If sex pain is going to be a long term issue, be upfront about that. It will put a lot of men off but you will be able to find someone who cares more about you than this idiot does.

Cosmicglitterpug · 18/03/2017 13:51

Slack him off

TheUpsideDown · 18/03/2017 13:55

You're only 6 months in, not a great deal to lose by binning him off now. Your health and mental well being are far more important than having to satisfy this sex pest. I'm wondering if he's getting some twisted sexual kick out of your 'vulnerability' too. And agree with others that he comes across as being a porn addict. And the constant sexts would put me right off. He sounds yuck.

GreenPeppers · 18/03/2017 14:03

It's a crap timing that you've just met and you can't dtd.
However his reaction says A LOT about who he is as a person.
One that doesnt take no as an answer
One that doesn't stop even though you are in pain
And one who seems to struggle to finish anyway (but that's not a problem, your pain is...),
One that is happy to pile up the guilt that that you can't physically, for health reasons, have sex.

That's not a pretty picture you are painting TBH.
And I would be very worried about what will happen later in the relationship if you can't have sex again, whatever the reason. How do you think he will react, seeing his behaviour now??

JonesyAndTheSalad · 18/03/2017 14:04

WHY are you having sex while it's hurting?? Do you not say to stop?

Sammysilver · 18/03/2017 14:18

Dump him. Whilst I dont think you can blame him for his strong sexual desires towards you (which I think is kind of normal), he needs to acknowledge that this is not possible at the moment. Either he accepts this and exercises patience, or he should make the decision to move on to a relationship where his sexual needs can be met. Pressurising you is just not on.

DameDeDoubtance · 18/03/2017 14:21

You don't have to have painful sex to please a man, it's not your job, his happiness is not your responsibility.

Jackiebrambles · 18/03/2017 14:26

Oh I really feel for you. But yes you need to end it. This is not working for you and he sounds like a sex pest. I had an ex like that, he watched lots of porn. So much happier now with a kind, caring man who doesn't use porn!

SleepingTiger · 18/03/2017 14:46

Massive communication problem - he just isn't listening.

He's a porn boy. You need a man who is there with you in real life.

TheNaze73 · 18/03/2017 14:58

Just end it. He's not getting what he needs & neither are you.
Why flog a dead horse?

Joysmum · 18/03/2017 17:25

Tell him how satisfying it would be for you to fuck him in the arse with a large strap on and that whilst you appreciated ate it would probably hurt him that's not as important as your satisfaction so he should let you and not get upset when you keep banging on about expecting to do it again and again and again.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 18/03/2017 18:04

You are incompatible. Get rid. Why wouldn't you?

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