Worried about my marriage...

[WS12]

I don't really know why I am posting, maybe to get others views or perspectives on my situation and advice about what I could do. Sorry long post!

We got married in 2009, lived in UK until sept 2016. Have two kids born in UK 2013 and 2015. Hubby an Aussie, I'm from northeast England.

So I have posted about this before. We left the UK for a life in Aus just over 6 months ago. Me Aussie hubby and DS aged 4 and DD aged 2. For the past 5 weeks or so I have had massive feelings of wanting to go back home and that living so far from my mam and dad and sister just isn't working - I miss them so much and if I'm really honest, I can't stay in Australia for the rest of my life at least not happily. I miss having people I'm close to. My hubby is Australian and his family are down the road about an hour and a half away. They're nice enough but not my family, if you know what I mean. I'm not 'close' to any of them really. We go week to week without visiting or phone calls. So I have my hubby, and a few mummy friends I'm making through playgroup, and that's about it.

I am just so worried because I feel that my mental health is suffering, I'm thinking about going to the doctors as I'm sure I'm verging on depression, I just feel so down all the time, heart palpitations, can't sleep, feel sick, regrets about coming - the whole lot. I've even cried this morning. This just isn't me. What's happening to me?! Seriously I thought I was lonely before we moved, I had no idea 🙄

I could pack my bags and go back now, I realise it's so much better for us as a family to be nearer my parents, simply because I'd be better mentally and emotionally, which must have a positive impact on the family surely? It is gorgeous where we live and I really can't complain about this area, it's lovely. I miss having my family to visit, novelties worn off now.

I am just so worried, because my hubby and I are are not on the same page- hell we ain't even in the same book! He's on about buying a house in july and I don't even know if I can stay here!!! I have told him the truth always, that I don't know if I can live so far from my family. I told him before we left I wasn't sure if I wanted to live in Aus and that I was happy with our life in the Uk we just had to buy a house and change my husbands job. I feel we are going in very different directions, and what does this mean for us? We are visiting the U.K. In September and I am going to use this time to really thibk about being back there, for both of us and the kids and what it would mean. I seriously wish I'd put my foot down and said no to my hubby years back before we started all this , I just hate confrontation 😭 And I want him to be happy. I feel my hubby on the other hand would happily sacrifice my mental health and happiness for Australia. He now won't talk to me properly about my worries as he says I always start "crying" and "go on about things". I feel so alone, what's happened to my life?! And what's going to happen to my marriage?

At times I want to run away and leave everything, but I love him so much I know that stupid and I wouldn't. I just don't know where to go from here. I envy my sister for being back with my parents and I wish I was still there. I've been so stupid. We've definitely made a massive mistake. We can fix it but I don't think my hubby wants to or sees it that way.

I am going to try and be more positive and do more things to help time pass happily until we visit he UK later on in the year. My family are coming in 5 weeks too wahoo.

To make matters worse my hubby now wants to save for his truck liscence and become a driver. I don't think he's considered the fact he could be away for days or weeks, and where does that leave me?! Ffs I give up. We should've thought long and hard about this before we married.

I really feel for you. I've lived overseas more than ten years and I did find the first 12 months were the saddest. It took a while before I found peace not being close to family.

I can't tell you the number of expat women who have arrived here, professional, capable, high achieving, happy, full of life, who have had a crash or crisis in one way or another and needed to turn to counselling and medication. It is a huge deal to pick up your life and move to the unknown. Of course you feel unsettled and depressed and a loss of identity and all that. It's hard to know whether you'll eventually come through it, or whether it'll be too much to bear and you'll need to go back. Either way is perfectly normal and rational and you're not weak for feeling as you do.

My situation is very different to yours but we did stay overseas. Now, I find I appreciate being away from the family dramas and emotion, and I notice that my Mum actually gets more intensive quality time with my kids than some of my nieces and nephews who live nearby, because often she'll only see them a couple of hours once a week and they don't get into a depth of relationship the way she does with mine living in a house with them for weeks at a time.

I'd say try to negotiate a review date with your DH. Like, at the end of 2017 or 2018 we consider moving back to the UK. It'll make you feel better to know there's a possible end in sight and you can put more energy into making friends and getting into things in Oz.

Or, if it's worse than that, gather yourself and set a time with him to talk rationally about how unhappy you are, and ask him to see the seriousness of it. From his perspective, you did agree willingly to go there, and he may feel like you could be doing more to find interests and friends rather than feeling sad about it. I think some (not all) men think in those kinds of practical terms and find it hard to relate to the emotional world of some (not all) women.

Giving yourself a personal 'goal' may help too, like, I'll throw myself into this for 4 months and see how I feel by July then talk to him, etc.

Hope you do find a resolution, I know it can be incredibly hard. Do not be afraid to seek help, it's not okay to feel suicidal (though I can absolutely relate). You deserve to be happy and at peace.

I'm a firm believer that nothing should be prioritised over mental health - ie; if something is dragging you down then do whatever it takes to remove yourself from the situation.

In your shoes I'd pack my bags, take my children and go home without a second thought but that's easy for me to say when I'm not in your position; You need to look after your health though, you won't be any good to anyone if you're miserable and isolated.

Good luck!

i wonder if there is a bit of "grass is greener" syndrome going on here? Please don't think im being snarky but you say that you miss your family (of course you do) but then you say that there were some serious issues that made you unhappy. You say that it was PND.

You could still be suffering from pnd and a massive upheaval wont make it go away. Quite the opposite in fact. I think you should consider talking to your gp and either serking out counselling but don't dismiss medication.

You sound like you are panicking and i think inyour shoes id be the same. But saying you move back to the uk and the cracks in your family dynamics resurface only this time you are a single parent?
Im not saying that will happen but its feasible.

is there the opportunity for you to work part time over there? would your dh family help with childcare? how about volunteering in a local community project? it must be very hard to be an oursider so finding a purpose other than social in your community may help.

i honestly think you need to get your head together before you make any decisions. I agree with pp who have said put a time limit on it. A year?

It just sounds like you don't know which way is up just now and i wonder if you just need to give yourself more time. if. after getting your mh sorted you feel you can't staythen you know you tried but i think if you rushed into leaving there will always be "what ifs"

sorry if that sounds harsh but i can see myself being exactly the same so posting in that vein.

I really hope things work out, whatever you decide

I feel for you Op, I'm in the Middle East, I've been here for almost two years, they've been soul destroying two years, I don't really have any friends, everyday is ground hog day, I'm on my own all day, the only people I see are my husband and son, there are obviously my sons friends mums that are ok but if I'm honest I miss the English sense of humor. My jokes are often completely missed and it's just so depressing. The clothing restrictions really get me down and it's too bastard hot. My main upset is I'm just so so lonely. I've tried to get a job but unless you get a proper career job then there are no jobs for me! I'm the same as you Op, I thought I was lonely in England but looking back I didn't even know I was born! It's the weekend again and I've visited the Mall again!!!! Urgh.....ground hog day.....I just want to see people who aren't my husband and son......

Sorry my post was really hard to read, rubbish grammar etc.... just to add we are leaving in the summer and now I'm all nervous about going home, I'm worried about money, work, my husband getting a job and my son going back to a normal school (private schooling in ME). So I'm very excited to leave here, it doesn't come without its problems!

I think that you've already moved there so really throw yourself into it. I've moved lots of times and it takes a while to establish yourself somewhere. But be sociable, make new friends, see what there is to do and make the most of it. If after that you still think you'd prefer the UK then you can always go back. Your husband sounds as if he'd be happy to go back to the UK but he wants you to give Australia a really good go before you do.

As someone who's moved a lot but has always thrown myself into wherever I've moved, i can assure you that you do make the same type of great friends wherever you are and you do establish a life in the new place but only if you have the right mentality. I've met countless ex pat's who just concentrate on the negatives and what they're missing out of back home instead of seeing the positives of where they live. People are people and I've found if you're friendly you make the same type of friends wherever you go.

Look you don't have to make a decision that is forever.
Just because you are in Aus now doesn't mean that you can never come home again.
Why not give it a go, I've lived in the tropics for 6 years and it is incredibly unsettling and weird at first and I wanted to go home every day for a year.
You need time to adjust. Why not give it say 5 years as a life adventure and experience of a new culture and all it has to offer and then after that time make your decision.
Then if you are still miserable then come home.
You can skype your family whenever you need and there can be visits and holidays.
But if you trial a 5 year stay you must throw yourself into it completely - no half hearted measures.
life is an adventure and I think this is a brilliant opportunity to do something different.
All that lovely sun and so much to do and visit. It's drizzling rain and grey right here now and I feel as miserable as feck!!!

Thank you everyone for your replies.

Hearing your advice has made me think that maybe I am panicking about getting stuck here, rather than focusing on enjoying our time here. I think I will do as one posted says and throw myself in to this as much as I can, talk with my fam when they come and see how we feel when we are visiting in Sept. I do partly worry after returning I would look back and think "why did I stress so much, I wasted all that time there", so I am very aware of my own influence over our experience. I just feel so up and down sometimes, like i am all over the place. I tell you what makes it worse, when it is a birthday or special occasion - that's when all these feelings really come to the surface. Like this year my mums birthday is on Easter Sunday and I won't be there 😭 It kills me! And I will be down when the day arrives, I feel so sorry for my mum that neither I or the kids are there, she would love that...

I agree that I don't have to make a forever decision. I drive myself crazy over thinking everything. Maybe I need a job to take my mind off it for part of the day at least. My mental health is suffering, so I need to make that a priority to get back on top, and then maybe I will be thinking clearer.

Today my hubby came home from work and he bought me a 🚴 bike!! Because he read cycling helps to lift your mood 💕 How lovely is that.

Feel like such a bad wife right now 😕

Can I ask where in Australia you are? Not your address, obviously. But the general area?

I understand how you feel. I love the UK, absolutely love it. But I couldn't live there permanently away from my family/friends.

I know it's easier said than done, but please go easy on yourself and try not to panic. You don't have to decide everything now. Just keep the communication open with your husband.

Your DH sounds just lovely. Really hope that you can work through this together.

We are in country Victoria. We had originally planned to live in Melbourne but we haven't got there yet, and watching the news don't think I want to anymore! It's lovely where we are. A huge holiday destination, but mostly quiet through term time.

I have face timed my parents and sister this evening and feel a bit better in mood. I do still feel that I'm missing out on the love and interaction of my family. Even seeing the way my mum touches my nieces face and hair... my MIL hardly touches our children, she's just not lovely or touchy with them. My children have always been close to my parents. My son especially. They looked after him full time for 6 months until I went part time, then they had them 3 days a week for me, they've been great. My DH parents run a dairy farm and never have a day off 😱 No childcare option there.

Personally I think we will end up returning as I feel in so many ways we would benefit from being there, so many ways I can't even explain. But this is where we are in this moment in time, but I'm pretty sure it's not forever, though I won't write it off just yet.

Earlier I listened to Ed Sheerans new song Supermarket Flowers and its set me off again 😭🌺 I love my mum so much xxxx

I don't think 6 months is anywhere near enough time to settle somewhere.

I moved away from home and a very close family 10 years ago, admittedly not to a different country, a good few hundred miles away and it took me around d 2 years to settle.

Maybe if/when you form a couple of closer friendships you might feel more settled?

Really hope it works out for you

You had such close contact with your family in UK, seeing them so very regularly, it sounds totally understandable that you are missing their closeness. I've been an expat and totally understand how gut wrenching not being around for family birthdays/anniversaries are.

You have some exciting things ahead of you this year. Aside from getting out on your bicycle, what a lovely thing for your DH to do. Make the most of your visit with your family, talk to them about your homesickness and how you miss them. They may love being out there with you and commit to visiting once a year and if you are heading back to UK for a holiday too you have some great milestones ahead.

Make the most of the experience for now, a p/t job sounds like a good idea, it really is an amazing adventure for you all and may get easier but at the end of the day it is family and the people we love that make our world go round and if you can't work out a way forward in Oz after giving it a good go, a year sounds fair, then that is ok.

I'd try and put off buying a house yet and I agree that having your DH trucking may not be the best way forward when you are already dealing with family isolation, talk to him.

Living in another country is not easy but I also warn you that returning isn't always easy either!! I found the reverse culture of returning harder than leaving but I also decided that being closer to my DD (my only family member who is all big and grown up now) was too much to bare and we needed to be closer even though we don't currently live in the same city. There is an fb group called 'I am a triangle' that discusses these issues.

Get out on that bike and soak up that sun and I know you may not feel it right now but you are really rather lucky to have this adventure. Have a wonderful time with your fam when they visit

I'm in a similar situation but we are in Europe and DH may end up having to move back to the uk soon (similar but not v.similar!).

I went to the Dr a few months ago feeling like I was on the verge of a breakdown and have been having regular counselling, which is really helping but mainly because I know this is a very short term situation and I know I can cope for the short term.
I've really focused on myself so that I'm not so wrapped up with him and our marriage issues e.g eating well, exercising, planning regular social activities, self improvement with an online course and focusing on my children is helping.

You need to understand the legal position on returning to the Uk with the DC.

In my experience the Family Court in Australia would not consider a child as being resident in less than 2 years. You've only been there 6 months, that's just a long holiday in most people's eyes.

So relax but don't tarry. Talk honestly and fully to your DH. It sounds like maybe you've not spelled it out fully. As an expat Aussie male married to a Brit I can tell you we don't always pick up the understated British way very well even after more than a decade. Sometimes you have to calmly and clearly spell it out.

Set some deadlines and agree a plan. If he loves you (and it sounds like he does) he will listen once you get it into that thick aussie skull.