Do I wait or move on?

[cuddlymunchkin]

I met a man while my divorce was going through. He helped me through it and we have been together for 14 months. The problem is that he says he loves me but he doesn't want to commit yet - he says he doesn't know when he would feel the time was right. I don't want a part time relationship, I want a committed, shared relationship. I want him to want to move in and to begin a shared life together. Should I cut my losses and run, or hold out for him to reach the decision to commit? We're both early 40s.

You can have a shared, committed relationship with someone you don't live with. In fact, it can be easier sometimes. If non-commitment means this is a non-exclusive relationship where he is free to see other women then I would be having a good think about that at 14 months. However, if non-commitment means he just doesn't want to live together or get married then it might not be such a big deal breaker.

Your divorce is recent history so why rush in to another marriage? If you enjoy each other's company and he is supportive then he sounds like a keeper. You may have to compromise, or hold off on the sort of relationship you want with him. If you are both compatible then he may come around to giving you what you want in the long-run if you hold in there.

Really? It feels like I'm wasting my time with someone who doesn't really want me?

I agree with scooby what's the rush? He sounds like a good man & you'll continue to find out more about him & your wants, if you allow the relationship to breathe.
I cannot see why you'd want to move on, unless living with someone is more important to you, than the actual person you are living with? Chill, look no further forward than the next date & enjoy. The dating is the good bit, surely?

What does committed and non committees look like to you and to him?

After 14 months, if he just means he won't live with or marry you, just judge the relationship on its merits.

If after 14 months he won't meet your friends and family, would cancel seeing you if you were feeling ill and just wanted to watch TV and cuddle together on the sofa... then I'd ditch.

Oh I missed the bit about you wanting him to move in.

14 months is quite fast especially as you haven't even been divorced for all of that!

14 months is early for moving in. Give it another year.

He is not doing anything wrong except being more cautious than you!

That's different responses to what I expected! Maybe it's me then.

I say cut your losses and move on. Men who say this generally mean it and you can waste a lot of your precious time, hoping they'll change their mind. In my case 8 years! Wish I'd listened to my instinct. Plus it put me off ever trying again.

Yes, that's what I was thinking tbh. I'll have to think about it some more. For more context, he moved in with his parents after his long term relationship broke down 5 years ago and I suppose I feel a bit insulted that he'd rather live with them than me.

Mine ended up getting engaged and then told me he "might" be ready to marry in another ten years!! I must have been mad, but my self esteem is very low. I think now, if a man wants to be with you, they will and they'd want a commitment too.

Mine was happy to drift along and I was someone to fill up some time with and have sex with. It hurt a lot to face reality.

he says he loves me but he doesn't want to commit yet

14 months and he can't tell you if you are exclusive, nah, sorry, he's hedging his bets and looking out for someone else.

I'd find him saying that after a year pretty insulting.

How is not committing, not being exclusive?!

OP hasn't said what he means by commitment.

He could perfectly well mean "I love you, I want to see where this goes, but I'm not sure enough about this yet to move in together" - is that so bad after barely more than a year, especially with a newly divorced woman (who I would think might still be on the rebound so be a little more cautious)

As for preferring to live with his parents...

1. Some people like their parents
2. Do you really want a man to choose something as important as moving in with you, just because he's doing it because he hasn't got a place of his own? Ugh - not for me!

Sorry if I have misunderstood you OP. I thought it was his lack of commitment in moving in. Others are interpreting it, as 14 months without him being exclusive. Big difference there. Could you clarify what you mean?

Yes exclusive, I'm talking about him not wanting to move in. He talks a lot about the future but when I try to make it reality he doesn't want to. I feel like he says what he thinks I want to hear but doesn't really want me enough. Maybe I'm a filler like allofaflumble experienced. I'll give it more thought - it's hard to know if it's me or him, me being too pushy or him being non- committal.