Making someone a priority when all you are is an option

[chickenjalfrezi]

Just read this on another thread and it hit a painful spot. Regular but namechanged for this as probably outing.

Single parent and in a relationship with another single parent - expecting a baby in the summer. We actually split late autumn when I was in the early stages of pregnancy as it got too hard but both want to reconcile and be together - the baby news was probably the trigger but we have a very intense relationship and would have come back together anyway.

By intense, we have a very passionate relationship - instant attraction, incredible chemistry, similar values and ambitions. This is not so good as we are both volatile, always right and like to be in control.

When we are together, he's very loving and will do so much for me (looking after me and DD) and we can talk and resolve most minor issues that crop up now. He's excited about the baby and is discussing plans and ideas to bring us together as a family.

My issue is that I struggle to get him to commit to seeing me unless I organise it or go to him. I do accept I am more flexible than him, he has a longer commute and doesn't have as much support from friends and family as I have. However, I would just really love to feel like I am his priority sometimes when there's always a reason he can't commit to coming to see me yet he can organise and commit to evening work functions, seeing friends, exercising and talking to family.

I've raised this several times and his response is 'I'm learning to accept I'm never going to please you' but I don't think it's too much to ask for a compromise on arranging to be together. The only times it happens is when there is a direct benefit for him - he enjoys travelling so has organised a holiday for us all which is incredibly kind and generous yet I can't get him to drive 20 minutes and stay at mine!

So Mumsnetters - thoughts and advice please. I try and keep myself busy but I'm feeling low about it today (being PG doesn't help!!)

Bumping already!

I think you've got to see his actions as a whole - we all show love differently. If he shows it by means other than calling at yours as often as you like then in my book that's OK. As long as you are shown that you and your relationship matter.

Only you can decide if his input is enough, if he cares sufficiently for you. Perhaps don't organise anything and track his behaviour and attention to you?

Some relationships are one sided. Absolutely not good for me, probably not for most people. You need to work out if that's the case here or not. Allowing for hormones of course...

Thanks for replying rumred

I've decided not to make plans to see him this weekend and see what happens but it's hard though as when we discuss plans it often turns into a 'who has done what' and like you say, we each place different weight on things. So chances are if I say I'm not popping in then he'll either not be bothered or thing I'm doing it purposefully and go quiet on me.

The hard thing is, if I wasn't PG I could find so many more things to fill my time and also wouldn't be tired from long days at work and normal household crap so probably wouldn't mind packing some stuff and heading over to his...

I think you're wanting him to be something he isn't. Everyone is different & maybe you should end it, if you need more reassurance.

If he's not that bothered about seeing you then you demean yourself by chasing him.

He isn't as invested in your relationship as you are and I doubt that will change. You took him back the same as he was so what's his incentive to buck up his ideas? Babies don't fix relationships - they test them.

Are you planning to move in together when the baby come?

Why did his relationship with the mother of his child end? It could be that he doesn't want to have the same type of situation he had previously,and wants to keep the spontaneity alive with you. Obviously this may or may not suit you, and he should lay his feelings out clearly. Then you will be equipped to decide on the future.

In my experience that chemical attraction is a poor indication of future relationship success. It's better that you want the same things out of life .
Is there some reason why you are having a child together before you are living together though. That seems a bit risky for you and a bit considering you both are in the same situation child wise. He's got a long commute and no friends or family near by...why the separation from you, the new family.
To me there are lots of flags with this one. If not red then definitely deep orange.

Yes Tears we are and he's invested in that - looking at options in terms of location and budget.

We know how hard it will be with the baby and are not expecting it to fix the relationship, that's why we are trying to do that ourselves. I guess in different ways!

I think that I'm feeling low as it does demean me by chasing him but equally there are things I don't have to 'chase' at all. So I guess I don't understand why he doesn't understand why it's important to me!

It's not really a LTB situation if I'm honest - there is too much good stuff - it would be useful to know ways of dealing with it - he just sees it that I am not happy I am not his no 1 priority but that's not the case.

He's a widower crunched

We separated as I was having some work difficulties and the stress was taking its toll on us. With hindsight it was probably due to early pregnancy hormones too but it wasn't because my feelings towards him changed it just became too overwhelming.

Well that's great - the sooner that happens then the logistics of seeing each other won't be an issue