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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I crazy to do this? My head is a mess

22 replies

witchofzog · 15/03/2017 22:01

Been with dp for 5 years and living together for 2 in his house. Things have been rocky for a while now. Dp is happy in the main to not talk very much, often gives me one word answers when I talk to him and frequently switches off from me. This makes me feel really lonely. I have a health condition and he never asks how I am. And he rarely compliments me. He is however affectionate, loyal, 100 percent trustworthy and we have great sex . I love him but can't cope with feeling lonely. The arguments over recent months have escalated beyond what is healthy. I am like a dog with a bone and he never acknowleges what I am saying instead just telling me to calm down, be quiet etc. We never find a resolution.

I found a house recently and made an offer which was accepted. And he is devastated. He cries when he thinks I don't know, has said he realises he has well and truly messed up and will do anything to rectify it. Wants to get married. We can buy a house of my choosing together etc. And this is breaking my heart to see him like this. I love him so much but dont know if we can live together at least for now. But these 2 weeks we have got on better than we ever have.

I have proposed I carry on with my purchase and if we are still getting on after a year or so we can reconsider our living situation. I could rent my house out or maybe we could sell our respective houses and buy one together. I feel sick at living without him. He is my family. But I am scared that if I cave he will just get complacent and we will be back at square one again with me also feeling bitterly resentful that I lost my near perfect house for nothing. He thinks I am crazy as money will be tight for me I, my health could get worse, I am safer with him etc.

I just feel scared and terrified of making the wrong choice. But I don't have time on my side as I am 40 and if I want to buy it needs to be soon. I am at this huge crossroads and just dont know what to do

OP posts:
Dragongirl10 · 15/03/2017 22:05

Sounds like a good move OP, why don't you write down the changes you want to see from him in detail....explain if he loves you that much this is what makes you happy etc.

Offer to do the same for him...see if you can both stick to it for a year and if it works then fantastic.....your house will be an investment anyway

QuiteLikely5 · 15/03/2017 22:08

I think it was very harsh buying a house without discussing it with him first.

Crucially it is a sign of where you were at emotionally when you did it.

I think that your gut is telling you to go - follow it.

You can both be happy elsewhere.

Do not marry out of desperation.

You feel bad because he is being lovely and also he's hurting - natural for you to respond with care but it's probably pity you feel for him.

If you stay, accept him for who he is - that way you won't be disappointed- asking people to change in relationships rarely ever works - they just revert back to themselves

ilovelamp82 · 15/03/2017 22:16

I think you've made the right plan. If he genuinely is commited to changing long term then you can end up renting it out if you want.

Sounds like you've got your head screwed on. Hopefully it will make him treat you better. Telling you to calm down and be quiet when you try to communicate with him is so rude and disrespectful and I can totally understand why you'd feel lonely.

Hopefully this will give him the kick up the ass he needs but if not you'll have your lovely house. Good luck.

Original poster
witchofzog · 15/03/2017 22:19

I agree with both of you. We both need to change. And I can make changes for him too. All I want is a relationship where we are friends as well as partners. I need conversation and I have not really had that from him.

I looked at another house a few months ago and he came with me. I had to make the offer as there was a bidding war on it all in one day but I am not proud of the shock it must have given him. I never wanted to hurt him. I had just reached the point where I had had enough of telling him how lonely I felt and it falling on deaf ears. I have said to him that if he had been how he has been over the last 2 weeks then it would never have come to this and that makes me really sad.

He has handled this much better than I thought he would and has been lovely and understanding throughout which is why I am feeling unsure now I guess

OP posts:
Kikikaakaa · 15/03/2017 22:20

Buy the house.
It does not sound like you have done this in a cruel fashion, purposefully to hurt him this is well thought out and he has had plenty of opportunities to take a look at his part for some time now, and he chose not to. You have an opportunity you would regret missing. Not all relationships are text book and living apart may well be the best thing for both of you. It's sad now that he is sad, but it's not all lost for good, it's just different. It wasn't working the way it was, otherwise you wouldn't have made this decision would you

Original poster
witchofzog · 15/03/2017 22:22

Thank you ilove as well. I have felt so frustrated and he has always felt I end up over reacting . But I just wanted him to listen to me and to take me seriously

OP posts:
Original poster
witchofzog · 15/03/2017 22:26

That is true kiki The idea of living as I have been forever is unbearable. If he can change just to show me bit more interest I would be happy to try again. Even get married. This could make us better and stronger in the long run

OP posts:
ilovelamp82 · 15/03/2017 23:03

Telling you that you're over reacting is not acceptable. If you have something that you want to talk about, that is upsetting you and he is telling you that you're over reacting, he's effectively telling you that the way that you are feeling is wrong. How can the way you feel be wrong? It may not be the way he wants you to feel and he may not want to discuss it but it is the way you feel nonetheless and no one can tell you that it's wrong. I can understand how you would feel frustrated and lonely. How on earth are you supposed to respond to that?

Original poster
witchofzog · 15/03/2017 23:16

I do end up over reacting but only after reasoning, asking and bloody pleading with him just to listen to what I am saying. He rarely acknowleges my point. His answer is nearly always calm down. I end up getting more upset and irate just because I am rarely acknowleged. In a way I feel like I have become someone I dont recognise much and I want to get myself back to who I know I can be. If he changes great. I want that to happen. But if not I will have my own security. Right now I don't have any and it bothers me

OP posts:
ilovelamp82 · 15/03/2017 23:20

Getting your own house and some space sounds like a perfect idea. Find yourself again. It will make you see everything with a bit more clarity. I hope you find every happiness. Flowers

Original poster
witchofzog · 15/03/2017 23:26

Thank you ilove. I have only told 2 friends in rl as I have been in 2 minds all along. They think it is a good idea too. The answers on here have really helped me tonight

OP posts:
Delphi2022 · 16/03/2017 00:23

Well done op! I definitely feel you are making the right decision. I had a similar issue with an ex but I was swayed by his sudden niceness and decided to keep the relationship going but after a while he reverted back. I realised afterwards that my uncertaintity was fear of whether I was doing the right thing and he was trying to hold on. Wish I'd followed my gut. Good luck.

Shayelle · 16/03/2017 07:10

I was kind of in the same boat as you, though 4 year ex was next door neighbour! He was also making me miserable, i wanted to move anyway.. he was also devastated wheni went ahead with my plans, but you know what, he wouldnt have changed and been nicer to me if id have stayed or moved in together, nor will yours. You know that deep down which is why youre doing this. Youre leaving because hes making you miserable, if you dont carry on with your purchase youll regret it. Good luck to you Smile

Shayelle · 16/03/2017 07:14

Ps... i would 'overreact' too if a knob kept telling me to 'calm down'... twunt lol. He can be as calm as he likes living on his own again eh? Wink

TupperwareTat · 16/03/2017 07:17

This is so refreshing to read. Go for it OP & well done. Enjoy your new home Flowers

RaeofSun · 16/03/2017 07:32

Go for it OP and enjoy. Don't live with 'what ifs'.

He couldn't be bothered to respect you and listen to you. Doesn't sound as if he cherished you and would do anything to make your love for each other grow. Sounds like he was complacent.

Teabay · 16/03/2017 09:10

I know someone who did this, felt same as you. She moved into her own place but their relationship survived. It was a wake up call for him! They're still together ten yrs later.

SorrelSoup · 16/03/2017 09:22

Big up to you op! You've made a brave and sensible decision there. You're protecting yourself and you are your own priority. Please don't settle. I think it's essential to be with a partner who is kind.

hellsbellsmelons · 16/03/2017 09:33

Definitely go ahead with your house purchase.
It's an investment and will help set you up for the future.
Sounds like you both need to go back to square one.
Move out, then start dating again.
And if someone told me to 'calm down' when ever I tried to get a point across or talk about something I'd have been gone long ago!!!
You know you are doing the right thing.
2 weeks of nice does not make up for all the crap and loneliness.
Well done OP. You've taken back control of your life!
It's great to see on here.

Hermonie2016 · 16/03/2017 09:49

Definitely the right thing to do, even from a financial perspective it's very sensible.

Having a partner who can't or won't talk is crazy making.It changes you as a person.You can learn to not react which is a good skill to develop but the question is should you have to just to make the relationship work? I was in similar and it just got worse.Stone walling is one of the 4 traits that predict relationship failure.

Have a read of verbally abusive relationship by Patrica Evans.I assumed verbal abuse was name calling but she defines it as not being heard, stonewalling and being dismissed.
It was a lightbulb moment for me.

Being able to communicate is fundamental for a healthy relationship and you are right to define it as a deal breaker.

Original poster
witchofzog · 16/03/2017 16:47

Just logged in to see the rest of the replies on here. So many positive responses from you lovely lot. Thank you Smile I was glad to see it worked for your friend Teabay but I am equally prepared for the fact it might not work for us. Either way I have protected myself financially and emotionally. Over recent months I felt I was losing all perspective. The space will help me to get it back I think

OP posts:
Adora10 · 16/03/2017 16:53

Well done, please do not buy or move in with him; he sounds a controlling bully to me.

There's something seriously wrong if you feel lonely in a relationship; he sounds awful.

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