Not sure what to do

[whatisgoingon1]

Hi, All
Hope for some advice re my family situation. I have 2 teenage DS,Older one is quite challenging re his behaviour and how he treats me.Basically can be very rude ,doesn't listen to me in regards to education,can skip school and generally is disinterested in studies.Doing GCSEs now and although set to achieve them(just about because cant be bothered to put effort in) doesn't want to progress into higher education. Having said that he's very talented in a particular sport and has a promising career in it. He is set onto playing this sport professionally and in few weeks will know if he gets his sports scholarship/academy contract renewed.Very respected in that particular field, very focused ,absolutely loves his sport so not a looser that just doesn't want to do anything with his life.However he's aware he needs to be in higher education until 18 and trying to choose easy course so it wont distruct him from his sport.This course would not have meaningful value in terms of future employment.This caused massively arguments in the family and in my relationship.
My bf of 2 years (on and off) but recently relationship become more serious and committed,we talk about him moving in to ours and thinking how we going to do it and when .
Generally don't have issues with my boyfriend now,he really was putting a lot of effort into relationship but he more and more mentions how my son is undisciplined ,how his behaviour is unacceptable ,how hes being snappy,shouty ,rude and stubborn. Yesterday after spending full week at mine and discussing son's college course and how crap it is (I know and fully realise that) I was so stressed out with trying to convince my son to change the course ,just couldn't deal with bf' intake on issue and said can we please stop talking about it. Magically he found a reason to go to his place (excuse to leave) to which I said fine. Few hours later sent me half apologetic half very negative message via WhatsApp ,calling my son "that kid" and saying he doesn't like being at ours due to my son's behaviour. I was already upset and stressed so instead of engaging in conversation that would lead to argument, blocked him on WhatsApp without reply(temporarily just to deescalate situation).
He proceeded texting me saying he didn't se me blocking chat coming and only were trying to help .I said that I'm going through a lot and hes not helping and I feel he's being very negative so I just want to deescalate situation for now. Thought he would take the explanation and leave it for a day or 2. Nope,he started sending more texts basically calling my son derogatory names and demanding I discipline him(Not being constructive and actually giving advice how so it would help in long-term) and said he will not be moving in while my son not changed attitude. Later on proceeded he wants his stuff back from mine (I don't take that serious ).
Let me say I am fully aware of issues and not happy how he treats me sometimes,but hes my son and I love him no matter what. Theres been couple of occasions I probably was very hard in disciplining and he just run away (big strong lad cant stop him leaving house) so had to organise FB search party as he was out round midnight. it was very traumatic for everyone involved and I try to avoid to get to this point in future hence my bf probably thinks my son not being disciplined enough.
What do I do? I feel like I'm stuck in between and although I know in essence my bf is right,Im not sure how to proceed re relationship as feel disrespected by bf . Also I rather realise if Id get into new relationship exactly same issue would materialise, because my son's behaviour is challenging.

I would be doing everything possible to encourage your son in his chosen career. Anything else is a waste of time.

Your boyfriend is irrelevant.

Thanks Super, I really do want him to succeed in his chosen career, but having a back up plan for future would be great. Education should be that back up plan.

Sometimes you just need to let them have their way and be there if things don't go well for them. Do not try to forcefully change it, because you can see for yourself that it is only causing further problems.

Sadly you may have to accept that education isn't for him.What advice and support has he had from his own Dad?
Your bf's attitude isn't at all helpful even if his initial intentions were good.I wouldn't be putting up with his tantrums either!

Education wasn't for my DD either.
Now at 19 and wanting to move jobs, she realised she really does need some qualifications!
She did an apprenticeship. Could your DS do one of those instead.
He'll earn and learn a trade at the same time.
Might be worth looking into. See what's out there.

Do NOT move your DP into your house.

Seconding the apprenticeship. My second dad is starting a childcare course at our local one in September and she cannot wait. She say it won't feel like learning to her. And it's also likely he will behave and learn some respect, maturity, self control and boundaries if he is working and learning to be a mechanic or plumber too. He will have to man up in the real world and will realise what you do for him.
He does sound like he needs a lot more self control and to go from a to D rather than straight to z etc. But that will only come with maturity. And you being his mum and telling him will just alienate him further. It's a good time of yesr to take him to local colleges to see what options there are. Good luck. We are having a nightmare with our eldest dd who is 19 and already a year back at a levels and wants to chill or a year before uni. Or not go and work in a pub. But then moans every shift she has currently that she would like to go out and socialise on busy Saturday's when they need her working. Parenting teenagers is a bloody hideous experience. You have my sympathy.

I think you need to let kids that age make their mistakes, after you have advised and encouraged. His behaviour to you sounds typical for a teenager who doesn't really know how to cope with the world i.e. most of them. Again you sound like you handle it as well as most. Your bf sounds like he is being anything other than actually useful or supportive to you and i think you really should prioritize your relationship with your son over your relationship with him. Does he have a proven track record of bringing up teenage lads successfully??

Thanks everyone,we already applying for apprenticeships but actual useful ones are far in between for school leavers and demand is high so realistically don't think it will happen for September ,maybe later on in future if were lucky.
If he gets his sports contract renewed,he will be directed to a specific scheme where his sports club has cooperation with college and he will be paid for his sports involvement as it is a professional club.
His own father is not that much involved and being a Disney dad,scared to upset his stubborn son so not being firm on him despite I practically beg him to.
And also my bf's children are way younger then mine so zero experience in bringing up teenagers, also he himself rebelled a lot when was young, experimented with drinks and weed .This what makes me feel like he's being hypocritical in away talking about my son,as if he's looking down on him.

OP, no offence but your BF clearly cannot stand your son; that will probably never change as he disagrees with how you've raised him and are treating him; I'd definitely not be moving in BF; it will be a complete disaster.

Your BF does not have the patience to take on this older child, that much is glaringly obvious.

You will have to just date until your son becomes a bit more independent.

Fact is, you possibly are too soft but your boyfriend sounds the other way; I think calling your son that kid pretty much sums up what he really thinks.

You have to rise above his criticism and try and find a middle ground if you want the relationship to continue.

FWIW, I've been there, I was shocked at my own intolerance of my bf's son; I couldn't live with him; partly his fault, partly mine.

I'm afraid someone else's child will never compare to your own; your bf has no clue how to actually be in a blended family and clearly has no interest in it, doesn't make him evil, but does tell you the two of them living together is a definite no no.

Is this similar to another thread where the recently married husband referred to his wife's son as 'you little wanker' whilst on the phone to him as the child had been involved in an argument at school earlier that day ?

Basically, the relationship was breaking down because of lots of little digs and eye rolls etc from the husband to his 'step son'.

Yes I know the poster is not married but the story seems similar, that's all.

ToEARLY
It could be well similar story,Im sure I'm not the only one struggling with Step parent-child relationships.BF called my son arrogant ae and a diad. Made me very annoyed and hurt.
Adora10 yes,looks like it will be a disaster to move bf in at this stage . Probably for the best to wait for couple of years and see how things go.
I can have an argument with my son one minute and forget the next,because I love him to bits. BF though listening in,registering info and remembersit, then brings it up ,cant stand it .He somehow feels I need protecting (!) from my son , no thanks don't need protection.Son doesn't assault me or anything like that.

No you don't need any protection; your BF will feel every words sting and will remember because he does not LOVE your son like you do, again, not his fault, just the way it is; you said yourself your son is challenging, so imagine what an outsider will see that as.

No reason why you can't stay in a relationship but living together with son is a no, no.