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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this classed as cheating and am I stupid to forgive?

56 replies

Missforgivable55 · 15/03/2017 12:43

I'm not sure why these things keep occurring. I have been with someone for 2 years now. In a nut shell We met on Facebook and talked for 2 weeks everyday, then it slowed down I would talk to him on what's app he would go online and then see my messages and come off. I would comment on that and that was my first mistake brining insecurities. I've learnt from that and kinder stood that and I take it as my bad.

We finally met up and he went through my phone after 3 weeks of talking to each other. Now I had 2 guys in my phone. 1 guy who has been trying to get with me but I felt sorry for him so spoke to him but he new we wouldn't be togther and another guy I found attractive but me and him never flirted as I no he liked someone else so it was nothing. I also slept with him that same night. From then we were still talking and then after 1 month I made a fake Facebook to see if he was still talking to other girls like he spoke to me as yes your getting the drift that maybe I might be too insecure. But my insecurities turnt into be intuition. I would always see new friends being added to his Facebook. Girls I can't possibly make a clear understanding of how they could be friends. Back to the Facebook. I added his friends and made mutual friends and after 2 hours I got a message from him sayin the same lines he picked me up with. I spoke to him and said that was my cousin you added and but guess what I forgave him as I was already infactuated by him. After 2 months I saw one particular girl he added and he called this girs number one day from my phone but forgot to delete the call. I look her up on what's app and it's the same girl he added on FB. Also he was acting weird with me. When I would call him he would say he is sleeping and I no he don't sleep till late. So I phone her ask her what's up. I find out they had been talking met up a few times. Also I told her who I was and she seemed to be on my side. I still was getting a weird vibe. By this time me and this guy is practically seeing each other everyday and living with each other. I would cook for him daily. Provide his sexual needs and generally be company for him. Help him with money etc all because I loved him. Then I was still getting a feeling something was up or this could have been insecurities as I no what he was capable of. So I put up a picture of me and him on my what's app and blocked him because he always said don't put a picture of him on my what's app cos it's "bait" so yea I used it as "bait" the same girl messages me saying I don't get it are you and so and so togther?

I'm like B&£)(& didn't I speak to u a month ago and tell u I'm with him and u seemed to be on my side. And now your telling me you don't get it. Ovi I never said that. I'm not the front. But u tell her the deal and I said I'm with him everyday and I'm with him then she gets me back by sending me picture of her and him in bed. Omg. So I message him and he cusses me out saying it's my fault I never should have called her she's cussing me out saying I couldn't keep a man and I'm in the middle like fuck what did I do wrong here. So as time goes on he cries and said he is sorry. But this face book activities still go on. Which leads me to think he was crying over her because he new she was out. So one point I got fed up crying everyday not being me. So I started to tak to someone else just to get him back. Now if I had a buzzer I would press it. Worst thing I could have done. I had no emotional feelings to this guy but I wanted to let this guy no how it's feels for it to happen and then at this point I wanted someone to fall back on I case he done this to me again because when he done it everytime I felt so depressed to the point that I hated myself. But he used this against me when he found out saying I'm no angle so everytime I find out about a girl he would say I'm not angle. Time after a portfolio of the same activities would be building. He would talk to someone I would find out and then I'll forgive him. Store it in my me worry and everytime I would argue with him but forgive him. But after that one he slept with he only seemed to be talking to other girls or meeting up with them. This happened around 15 times in 2 years. So of the girls would be Facebook pages I made and I couldn't ovi tell him it's me I made the Facebook he would have another thing over me like psycho so I sed I feel like your cheating on me and he would use that against me everytime we argue saying your so insecure even when I'm not cheating you remember you sat down and said you think I was cheating. Little did he no I was the one he was cheating with on me.

Another one where he started to fall in love with the girl going out and saying his with family. Phoning her in my presence. Taking her places I took him. I got a way in his phone and found out who not was and phones her. She told me everything plus I saw the messages he sent to her. Saying she's his angle and that he told his dad about her. I confront him and he said yea she is my angle. He was so angry at me and I didn't do anything. I question myself why so much anger when I'm
Always there for him. Then he appologised saying that he only said that to hurt me. At this point me and him were just friends still sleeping with each other but he didn't want to be with me so he kind of was legitly speaking to her. But when she finally ended with and said she didn't like it that way he put a sad face on what's app and then asked me back out and he printed it was for me y he was upset. And so I phone her. She's ended it with him. And she's told me everything. This girl was about for 3 weeks. Then it was me and him. (Little details I missed out was this guy wanted to change his life for her, talking about marriage and kids, telling me to abort my baby as I was newly pregnant at the time, crying tears that his not ready)

So anyways me and him continue because I've forgiven him. But this time I said straight no sex. I got to find me. I took him back this time because he tried to commit suicide and now thinking back about it I think it's cos he lost her but he told me its cos I won't forgive him. So I forgave him. But then things were going a move new baby. (Little things I didn't mention, he really looked after me, at this point he had money, took me on sprees, told me he loved me, showed me he loved me, he was just there for me and down for me, we argued a lot but that's dos a lot of things were on me where I couldn't trust him, but he was so good to me) he then gave me another reason to forgive him saying he won't do it agiain and put my photo on his Facebook but prior doing that I saw that his friends list went down a lot and most of the people deleted was girls.

Due to him trying to commit suicide era he ended up back in hospital a few times more and I ran straight there all the time to be with him. Helping through the whole thing because I loved him and he was now unwell. But then when he was at home I saw a new activity on FB. Yes I should not have been thinking about FB at a time when my partner was unwell but I did. I saw a hot new girl added. But I left it. After 3 months I then couldn't take it as the arguments was getting more. He said we should name our daughter this girls name when we was talking about names and he said her full name. Not knowing I've stalked her Facebook many times. And after a while he deleted her of his Facebook. Cos I was curious as to why she was no longer on his Facebook. So I add that girl to my fake account and talk to her asking does she no this guy. She says yes, shows me pics, he would tell her he loves her accent, her bum, that he really likes her. He would message her morning every morning and she said she didn't like him like that and thought he was gay so she told him she don't like him. So they stopped talking . And then she sent me pics of them goofing around having fun. I send them to him and cried and cried saying you said you would never do this. He says his sorry and that why am I bringing it up now when it happened in the past and let's not live in the past his sorry but he has learnt from that. Then after that the same things happens a with another girl and he says those same lines because I don't find out about it until months later so I said u can't keep doing this, it's not fair why do I keep finding out about girls. Now the latest one is I went through his phone and he has no messages to any girls oh yea by the way he deleted Facebook for me. No messages on his phone no what's app he don't have Facebook so I was suprised. But u no I still keep digging. Looking at photos and then guess what I find. Phone log. I look at that and I've found out in March that a phone call has been made to a number that is not saved. So I take that number look at her on what's app and it's a picture of girl I new he once had on Facebook but deleted. But he told me they were just friends and known each other since college. I call her and she tells me yea he likes her but really they just friends, because she told him she dosent like him that way and no they met on Facebook. She said he says things like he wanted to kiss her, does she think his good looking, if he put it on her she wouldn't be able to resist. They meet up twice nothing happened but she said he put his hands on her hips and held it there for seconds and that's when he told her afterwards that he wanted to kiss her. Did he stop himself because of me or because of her telling him she dosent like him that way?

So in December last year he invited her to the cinemas which we don't even do as we have no money. But recently he has been saying me and him don't talk. (I have uni, I work and have three kids) I'm trying but I get tiered but he blames me.

She tells me that he told her that they vybz and no one gets him like she does and they had a little argument because she said although she didn't like him like that all the time he was trying to get with her when did he have a chance to have a baby and he said the person her had the baby with wasn't a serious thing and that he is just there for the child. And that the child comes and visits him and that she should come see the child. And that he wants her to be God mother.

This time I have left him. But he said this isn't a good reason for me to leave him and his crying but I think it's fake to be honest with you. He says so what if he has called her this year. She is just a friend but she says yes they are friends but he likes her. This time he sees nothing wrong with calling her? He said it was just a phone call. But I feel it is wrong and he is disrespecting me again because he is calling someone who he fancies.
Why would someone do this? Have I done something wrong am I missing something here. Please someone advice me.

OP posts:
LouisevilleLlama · 16/03/2017 07:36

TiLly?

Actually*

SandyY2K · 16/03/2017 07:45

You wrote way too much in your post. I don't know why you stayed with him so long and the whole FB stuff sounds incredibly childish.

Put it down to experience and move on.

So much drama in so little time.

AyeAmarok · 16/03/2017 07:45
Confused

I only managed to read half. But:

I would cook for him daily. Provide his sexual needs and generally be company for him. Help him with money etc all because I loved him I'm a doormat.

Fixed that for you.

If you ended the relationship and properly blocked him on everything, you'd be over him in the time it took you to write that post.

jeaux90 · 16/03/2017 07:45

Yes he is playing you. Get rid.

You need to work on your self esteem.

Stop dating for a while, focus on your kids, see your friends, focus on work, feel good about being in your own company, take up a hobby.

Just stop putting your happiness in the hands of others

HelenaGWells · 16/03/2017 07:59

I got that he is an asshole from paragraph number one. I didn't need to read the rest of the essay. (Sorry I couldn't even get to the end)

Get rid, stay rid, work on your self esteem and if there are kids involved as it seems from a pp then for goodness sake take new relationships slowly. Even if there aren't Make sure the guys not a total idiot before you end up "practically Living together" after a month.

Yes there are some people who move stupidly fast and stay together for ages but a lot more move fast and end up in a difficult position with a cocklodger or abuser.

A good guy will move at your pace. A good guy will also not give you need to sneak around, spy and make fake profiles. Find someone you can trust.

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 16/03/2017 08:06

You know he isn't worth your time. I get the feeling he could wear a neon flashing sign when he's about too go out and cheat and you'd still find something to forgive him for.

Your still young you can find somebody else. He does what he does because he gets away with it, without repercussions. Just like how a child is when they are testing for boundaries.

Ledkr · 16/03/2017 08:35

Get some counselling!
You don't need to provide anyone with "their sexual needs" sex is supposed to me mutually enjoyable.

SandyY2K · 16/03/2017 09:44

I would have thought with three children, you would be busy enough and not have time for all this nonsense.

You've wasted way too much energy on a man as useful as a chocolate teapot and you honestly sound more like a teenager.

WatchHowISoar · 16/03/2017 10:28

He isnt worth it, this relationship isn't worth it. Too much has gone on, too much drama and stress. Too much immaturity and lack of respect.

You've learnt from your mistake and it's over now. Don't let him drag you back xx

WatchHowISoar · 16/03/2017 10:29

Not sure where the xx came from

blankmind · 16/03/2017 10:31

I got this far
By this time me and this guy is practically seeing each other everyday and living with each other. I would cook for him daily. Provide his sexual needs and generally be company for him. Help him with money etc all because I loved him

That's not love, that's being a doormat, no-one will respect you for behaving like that.

Glad you've left him, stay away from him and any other idiot who displays similar behaviour and give yourself time to grow emotionally.

blankmind · 16/03/2017 10:32

Snap AyeAmarok

Forager · 16/03/2017 10:43

It's this serious??

I can't understand anyone who gets cheated on and lied to time and time again and keeps forgiving them.

He does something not nice to you and you keep going back for more. This is why he continues.

I think you should forget about him as he's clearly a piece of shit. You really need to work on your own issues because allowing someone to treat you like that is not OK.

Forgettheworld · 16/03/2017 10:47

Wow! This is very, very immature. My advice is to leave him for good but reading (most) of this I know you won't. I think you mentioned he'd been chatting or contacting 15 girls behind your back?? That's just ridiculous why would you want to be with him, he only loves himself. Don't let him manipulate you by threatening suicide every time you find out. You need to look after those children and both of you get off Facebook!

angieloumc · 16/03/2017 11:54

Honestly you sound about 13! You've got three children, seriously concentrate on them and your job not this no-mark who clearly isn't good for you. I do think you need to grow up though, fake profiles and ringing/messaging these other women is really not stable.

muhajaba · 16/03/2017 12:29

I mean this in the nicest way but you really need to get some self-respect and grow up. Concentrate on your children and stay away from relationships until you know what a healthy one looks like, because at the moment you clearly have no idea.

You are a role model for your children, set a good example.
Imagine you have a grown up daughter...what kind of man would you hope she would date? Do you want her to accept a relationship like this? If your son were to turn out like this man when he is older would you be proud and happy?

You and your relationships are shaping your children and their future behaviours and relationships - you are their biggest influence - please don't ever forget that.

AnyFucker · 16/03/2017 12:31

Being It's not what's on the calendar, it's the mindset

catlover1987 · 16/03/2017 13:47

I had to skim through a lot of your post, but this sounds like a whole lot of drama. You both sound as bad as each other. He sounds like a cheating scumbag but you sound incredibly immature, insecure and a bit of a psycho to be honest. Do people actually create fake Facebook profiles? I thought that only happened in Catfish! You need to get rid of him and then get some therapy, for the sake of your children.

TheObserverOne · 16/03/2017 14:00

Think to yourself "is this the type of relationship I want my children to be in when they grow up?" And if the answer is no, then leave and stay away.
It sounds like far too much has happened. You can do better and you need to set a better example for your children.

ShuttyTown · 16/03/2017 14:01

You sound about 12 OP. I can't read it all

miniatureegg · 16/03/2017 14:10

[hides thread]

ElizaDontlittle · 16/03/2017 14:17

Forgiveness is not the same as taking someone back.

Don't take him back! He's no good for you - it's been a horribly unhealthy and immature relationship.

Enjoy your children, you must be crazy busy with them and uni and work. If he steps up as a father, great, but apart from that keep well away from him!

Angryangryyoungwoman · 16/03/2017 14:20

Jesus Christ. You need to grow up, take a look at yourself and the model you are showing to your children. Concentrate on them and yourself. You need to work on this before any relationships with others.

GotToGetMyFingerOut · 16/03/2017 14:32

You need to grow up for goodness sake. This is the sort of shit I use to do in a relationship at thirteen and even then I'd never of put up with as much of that nonsense. Get a bit of self respect and concentrate on your kids! Maybe look into a course as a private detective too.

BarbarianMum · 16/03/2017 14:41

Grow up. Work on your self esteem - you are so much better than this. Then date.