Sad, lonely, confused... long term DP - shall I give up?

[lonelygirl1234]

I've name changed for this as I've posted quite a bit under my usual name with quite identifying info.

Background. Been with dp for 4 years; initially did 'long distance' and quite casual / slowly, saw each other once a week etc, gradually got more serious and 2 years ago I moved jobs and cities to move in with him.

Both first time really serious relationship; I'm late 20s he early 30s. Things were great for the first 12 months of living together and I honestly wondered what all the fuss had been (in terms of 'oh you'll really get to know him when you move in' etc etc. Was really happy, really glad we'd taken the leap and things were good.

Towards end of last year I felt dp was beginning to take me for granted - little things really - not pulling his weight re: housework; leaving dishes for me to do after I've cooked etc. At this point I'll add we both work full time. I've pulled him for it a number of times and he will help out for a week or two and then it's back to the same again, with me doing everything bar putting bins out ()

The other thing I will mention is that dp has quite big debts from before I met him - lots of credit card debt and a previous gambling problem. (Historic, 10 years ago +). He earns good money working anti social hours but a lot of his earnings go towards clearing the debts. Our financial agreement when we moved in together was to begin with halves on everything - but then ended up as DP paying rent and me paying all DDs and getting groceries etc (I earn quite a bit less than DP).

Over the past 6-9 months dp has paid our rent late about 4 times. This really stresses me out because I have no savings and can't afford to bail him out - by the time the rent is due the direct debits have been paid and I have little remaining! It's causing no end of arguments on top of feeling taken for granted - DP blames his debts. I have asked him repeatedly to sit down with me and let me help him - we got as far as writing a list of them all and all outgoings and income and to be honest the figures just didn't quite add up. DP should have money to comfortably pay the rent and his creditors and have money left over - when I pointed this out (before Xmas) he said his 'New Years resolution' was to allow me control over all finances to help him get on top of it all.

Fast forward to now - that promise hasn't happened and the rent is late again this month. I'm not sure how much more I can take. I've raised the fact he promised me he would allow me to help with the money situation - all I ever get from him is promises for the future. Like now - 'once I've paid the rent I promise I'll start giving you xx per week for you to manage' . It's such a long story - there is much more to it than this. This is just the tip of the iceberg. I do love him I really do, I used to 100% see a future with him, but now... he works so many hours he's barely here which is killing our relationship. I just don't know what to do.

Thanks for reading if you got this far. Please be gentle! I'm feeling delicate tonight

I'm glad you're safe tonight. He's abusive, please don't use your energy to try and understand him. He won't change. Use it to get out asap, find support from people who love you and begin to build a better life.

You can do it and you deserve it.
Take care OP. We are here if you need to talk.

Also agree with PP if you feel strong enough do call the police. They will help you.

It's already been said but yes, yes and yes. Repellent, violent manipulative piece of work. No one should put up with this! 💐

You can leave immediately if you feel unsafe. Go to family, work will understand in the circumstances. Cancel the DDs for the bills so that you have a full wage paket to make your move.

Oh god OP, this is just the beginning. If you stay, it escalates. I know. My exH had an issue with money, opposite to yours he was obsessed with saving it. It manifested in him getting so wound up about it he'd physically assault me, especially if he'd been drinking.

Please leave. I wouldn't even wait. He will just talk you round and you will process it then justify it to yourself. Your boundaries will be low anyway because of what you saw as a child.

I'd go now. Fuck him, he's a bastard

I think you should seriously consider calling police to report the violence, and also to flag your number with them, should you need to call in an emergency. You do not need to wait until it's an emergency to contact the police. Call the non emergency number and they will help to keep you safe.

I know this will all feel like a massive step, and maybe a step too far, but you do need to take his behavior very seriously. It's not uncommon for abusive men to keep this side of themselves hidden for so long so do not blame yourself in any way, or accept any of his pathetic excuses/reasons.

I would definitely advise a call to women's aid/your local domestic abuse service too. You may not feel ready to take these steps yet but it's very important that you start making a plan if you don't feel able to leave immediately. He is not showing you the basic respect that you deserve.

Because you mention your situation growing up, I would also advise you to consider the freedom programme, or at least read 'the dominator' or 'why does he do that' to help you understand this. And it's not your fault.

Leave as soon as you can do it safely. Don't hang about - your situation sounds dangerous.

Oh OP. Please leave him. You deserve so much better.

End it now

He has massively crossed a line and there is no going back

Before your update my thoughts were he is gambling again

Now it doesn't actually matter what his problem is. Time to go.

You need to get money together to leave? Kind of a problem as he makes sure you are short of money, right? How many bills can you simply stop paying? Grocery bill could be slashed? Sky? Anything else? Could you get a loan to cover a deposit on a new place?

You know when you wrote aware of how pathetic this sounds and now I'm starting to think maybe he's right and this was MY fault The scenario you described has been played out in my house with paused TV. It is not pathetic to complain about selfishness and lack of basic respect. I have reacted like you did because I won't stand for that crap. My DH / DC apologised immediately, rewound and did something small but nice to make up for it, usually involving making me a tea. No one has ever thrown anything, shouted at anyone or strangled anyone. It was not your reaction that was off. It was him that was wrong. Only him.