oh no its all starting again!!!!!!

[citylover]

Last year DH and I split up after being married for 13 years and are now divorced. My main emotion at the split was relief but of course it has not been easy for the children.

Many, many problems in our marriage to do with him being cold, hating family life, travelling overseas alot, him being depressed and angry also controling but it all ended with him defaulting on mortgage and secured loan and basically turning a blind ey (in denial aka) for months to our financial problems, whilst I nagged and sought answers to our problems. He kept promising some extra monet was coming but it never materialised. I also bailed him out for a while but in the end could not any more and we had to sell the house. I do work but my income alone could not pay for everything.

Me and DS's are renting and I am now in control of finances and this feels so much better. I think I had blanked out the horror and uncertainty of the last nine months of our relationship - believe me it was a nightmare! Friends say I am now like my old self. Future is uncertain but at least I have my sanity!

He now has to leave his rented flat on Saturda , as his landlord wants to sell, he delayed looking for another until the last minute due to work (this always took precedence), found one close by to us, but has now failed the credit check by agent. It might all be ok but it might not.

He won't be living here of course but this new situation while not my problem is bringing back all those uncertain times and I am angry that he has created another situation which might negatively affect the children.

And he called me today wanting to discuss strategies for dealing with the agent etc etc TBH I have had it with him and this sort of thing. There is always a small element of being economical with the truth in many of his dealings and I just am sick of it.

I do have a vested interest in him finding somewhere because the children need somewhere stable to stay with him. And he has already told them he is moving to this particular flat.

But I am sure he would happily let me help him with flat finding etc and I must admit I have been looking for him a bit.

Not sure why I am posting just want to find anyone who has had similar with ex partner. Just thankful we are not stil together as I can now clearly see his pattern.

I don't really have the same experience with my exH, but didn't want to leave your post unanswered.

You sound like you are coping very well, and like a strong and thoughtful woman.

I hope that you get the outcome that is best for you and your children.

Hi

I have had a very simialr situation to yours and i too felt a responsibility to him because of my children.

Then i woke up!!

You are not responsible for this man, you owe him nothing. He is a grown man who got himself into this situation without 'discussing strategies' with you so, let him get himslef out of it.

I can understand how you feel with regard to your children but it is up to him to find himself somewhere to live so that his children have somewhere to stay, not you.

You seem to have regained control of your life and have created a happy stable home for you and your children, don't allow your ex to jepordise that.
Leave him to stand on his own two feet!

Thanks I am really trying to distance myself from this.

He has known all along that the tenancy would end this weekend and has had plenty of time to sort himself out.

I think he thinks that its fine to discuss with me as to this day I don't think he has realised the enormity of what he has done.

I think he is also trying to exercise some control over you.
Lets just say that you help him out with the house. Where does it end?
What will it be next?

You divorced him. He now has to take responsibility for his own life and his own actions. He is a grown man who has allowed himself to get into this mess, why should you be the one to bail him out?

I know it is difficult, we women have a great guilt complex which comes right to the fore when we think our children are going to be affected. But you my love are doing a fantastic job of raising your children, you are coping well and dealing with any problems that may arise without calling upon him for help.
You just carry on taking care of yourself and your children and don't let this man drag you into his problems.
You can do without the stress or negativity that this will bring you.

Reserve all your energy for you and your children

There you go... You have all of our permission fo refuse to help you EX husband without feeling guilty or bad about it {smile}

sounds like he doesn't take responsibility. only thing is to stand back and let him get on with it. only way he's going to learn .smile and say 'not my problem'

yes, you want him to find somewhere, but unless you're willing to help him for the rest of your / his life you'll have to make a stand at some point.

btw, are you rocklover?

Leave him to get on with it. I had a similar ex h, who made me do everything. He's grown up since he's left and has to do things for himself. The other week he wanted me to write him a cv for him i said there was computers at the library.

That was meant to say I left.

If you help him you are setting up yourself always to do that. My ex and I never speak (his choice not mine) but that's not that unusual. There doesn't need to be much contact. Just text him and say to let you know his new address in due course and hope he sorts things out but you are busy on other things.

thanks for all these responses, you're right of course. There is no way I will let him to drag me down again.

Should have read the warning signs when we met. He is no spring chicken either - the wrong side of 50!!

(To Warthog -No I am not Rocklover).

Apologies for brevity I am at work.

Cheers