I don't know how to get myself out of my low mood, finding it so hard to cope. I am not suicidal but feel really low.
I am 7 months into the separation from my dh, nothing was clear cut about it, circumstances, he had an emotional affair, might even be with her now, I don't know. I still love him and he still cares for me, and if I am honest with myself still have hope, I think of him every day and miss him so very much. I don't even know whether I would want to get back together. I just can't shake him off. I am partly blaming myself for why he left. We have been together 11 years, 6 married. We are separated but not divorced. No plans for this yet.
I feel so desparately lonely. I am ok during the week, I love my job and am good at it and I have lovely colleagues. Weekends are hell. I hate them and really start to dread them. I wake up with a knot in my stomach on Saturday morning and it doesn't leave me till Sunday night. I have no family in this country at all and only a couple of really good friends. They all have family though and disappear during the weekends and holidays. I tried to contact old friends but none are getting back to me, guess they were his friends first. I tried meetup. There isn't much to start with (I live in a city but it's provincial) or stuff gets cancelled or there are only 8 places. Most activity type stuff happenes during the week. So I stay at home, sort the house, watch telly and cry. I cry a lot. I still well up randomly during the week about 3-4 times, mostly at weekends. I would love to just be able to pop over to my parents for lunch.
I am 35, I always wanted a family and now I am further from this than ever. I caught myself thinking 'if only I had children to look after'. It makes me feel bad as I know how horrific a breakup is if children are involved. But at least I would have someone to look after, someone who needs me. I find it hard to get motivated just for myself.
I am not a UK national. I am shit scared about the whole Brexit thing. I don't feel part of anything anymore and it's hard as I don't know anyone in my situation. It's hard for others to understand my fears. At work I am ok, people ask me how I am getting on and I say ok. They probably think 'It's been 7 months, surely she's ok'. BUT I AM NOT OK. I wish someone would recognise that and just put an arm around me. I have booked some counselling but to be honest I am not sure how it can help.
I have never been so lonely in my entire life and I feel pathetic for not being able to drag myself out of it. I feel I've lost who I am. And I am scared that noone will ever want me or sees any value in me.
I just needed to get this off my chest. No need to reply.