Need some perspective on this "friend" issue.

[Bottlesoflove]

I have a birthday in march, and as it turns out so do many of my friends. Two who I consider my best friends are turning 30 this month, so obviously they will want to celebrate which is fine. Several weeks ago they sent out a whatsapp asking several people to go away to a holiday cottage and I confirmed and said yes I'd love to come. This is coming up next weekend. Around this time as I knew next weekend would be booked up, I messaged them and just a few very close friends if they would like to just have a few drinks, nothing huge, around my place for mine and dps birthday and also as a bit of a housewarming as we have just moved. Not bothered about too much of a fuss as not a landmark birthday for me, so literally just a few drinks/nibbles. I usually would arrange this sort of thing so far In advance, but thought it would give them/others a chance to say "sorry no good for me due to xyz reason" as I know march seems to be a busy month in my circle, and may potentially give me chance to change date etc.

So anyway, various people got back to me to confirm/decline and that was fine. But these two stayed silent. TBH I just wanted a quiet do with a few of my closest friends, and I consider them close, so when I saw them I mentioned it casually and they were a bit non-commital. One mentioned she might have friends staying that weekend, so I said they were welcome to come too if they like? Still no firm yes/no. Mentioned it a couple of times since, not in a pressurised way, but just in a "would be nice to see you if you could make it" kind of way. In the times I have seen them I casually mentioned that I was finding it hard to find childcare for dd their weekend, but I would work something out and I was definitely 100% coming and looking forward to it, and one said quite sternly "you're coming, ok." In a semi-jokey way. Anyway, fast forward to yesterday when I was due to have my gathering and I sent them a whatsapp just to say "would be lovely to see you this evening - anyone welcome!" And one of them replies "would be nice to see you!" So still very nebulous, and lol and behold they didn't show. As it turns out it was lovely about 13 of my good friends - had a great time. However was very disappointed that the two I consider my best friends couldn't be bothered to come, or even give me a straight answer or "apologies can't make it" in the several weeks they have known about this.

Of course in work Monday (I work with one) I will get texts asking me to go to lunch with her, listen to her problems etc as always. I am tempted just to ignore them both, and not bust a gut to get childcare for their do this weekend, or even not bother showing or often any explanation as to why. But of course I won't do that because I am a mug, or maybe just because I am a decent person and wouldn't do that to them on a landmark birthday.

Just feel a bit let down and mugged off though to be honest. 😕 (god sorry that was long!)

They haven't even met dp yet and they weren't aware of the guest list.

That's why I was double embarrassed. They are the friends I probably talk about most to dp. He probably thinks I am nuts and they don't exist. One of dps friends travelled from a town about 100 miles away to see him and the new place and came along last night and stayed over. They live 10 minutes up the road.

So they want you to go to their parties to help them have a great night, but they won't do the same for you?

OP, you need to be really sharp with them over this. That really is very unfair of them, especially as they didn't even bother making excuses.

Anyway, thanks for your perspectives. Just gonna brush this off and pull my socks up. I'm still going to go next weekend, they are still good enough friends that I feel if I pulled out they would feel upset/let down and I don't want them to feel like this even if they do deserve it! After that, who knows. Guess I just won't expect too much from them in the future.

As a plus, I have being getting closer/spending more time with a couple of old friends from school who I've recently got back in touch with. They remember my brother as we used to spend our lives round each others houses! Even though I don't talk about it much, they will sometimes enquire as to how I'm doing etc, which is more than what this other lot do! I feel like they really "know" me and whilst we haven't seen a l it of each other over the years we have a lot of history and we have had a great laugh when we have got together - including last night. So think I will focus my energies on different friendships with different dynamics. Thanks all. X

Also going to make a conscious effort not to drink too much next weekend as don't want a drunken showdown! Who knows what might blurt out if I let my guard down! 😂

I think I would still go next weekend but pay very close attention to what they are saying/how they are acting. People tell you who they are.

If you feel up to it then I would arrange drinks at home again and see what happens (fully expecting them not to attend). In the meantime, work on your other friendships.

Unfortunately, I cannot stand my best friend's partner and can act similarly when she wants to do anything involving him.

Gah!

Just got this message from one of them! (I haven't been in touch so unprompted).

"Dude I'm so sorry we didn't make it to yours, my friends didn't get here til late x How was it? Are you around this week? What are your plans for your birthday day?x"

Why couldn't she just have texted yesterday and said this?! There was no contact to say yes her friends were definitely staying and that they may come. Also I arranged last night as I wanted to celebrate my birthday last night. I am at work all day and have dd in the evening on my actual birthday. It will just be another day for me.

So basically she knows she's been a shit, but is in damage limititation mode as she doesn't want me to cancel on her this weekend? Or she is just massively flakey and lacks any manners or any empathy. should I just accept her apology graciously and move on?

I hope neither of them are on mumsnet! (Neither are parents but you never know!)

Bottles... I'm sorry that you feel that way atm. I felt maybe I came across a bit harsh in my judgement about your frirnds' behaviour.

Let me explain. I had a Bf for nearly 30yrs. She is and remains a lovely person to all intent & purpose. She'd quite happily conduct our friendship vis texts, emails & hour long telephone convos about her problems, her colleagues etc. One such call lasted 35 mins about 2 people I don't know. I don't work. Too many family commitments etc. She'd always suggest a coffee in her lunch hour. I'd quite happily put in the effort. She works fulltime. This went on for 3-4yrs. She'd always cancel days out/early evening meals. Always! I let it slide. I don't like dramas/politics.

A situation arose that had her assassinate my character/behaviour under the guise of loving me. I thought WTAF! This was in early November. I began to disengage. She upped the calls etc. Began to hound me. I'd answer politely, but I didn't feel the same. I told her that I didn't want to conduct this "best friends forever" via phone/ social media etc. That's easy to do. Show the world you care without much effort really. I've not heard from her since. I haven't lost anything of value IMHO.

Just something to think about OP.

Reply to flakey friend:

It was lovely thanks, although I kissed you not being there. Busy week, my birthday is a work day and I've got DD so we'll have to have a good catch up at the w/e!

Yes yoksha that's ringing bells!

I always seem to end up with friends who expect a lot of me but give little in return. I can't be doing with being high maintenance myself so I often just go along with this. But over the years I thought I'd gently whittled down my friendship group to a few I actually really have some time for and vice versa. Although looking like I could do with rethinking again tbh.

Kissed. - missed.

After the w/e leave them to it. Now you feel like you do and have mentally started to distance you'll see them differently at the weekend and will hopefully know which way you want to go.

Ole I basically did that. Said it was lovely, did she have a good time with friends? Not really doing anything for bday etc etc. Also asked if she was excited about w/e and did they need cash etc.

Decided to take the high ground as can't be doing with a pa text war tbh...

Anyway thanks for all your views, I may ask mn to delete this now if that's alright with everyone, as getting a bit paranoid as lots of identifying info, and then df texted when I hadn't heard a peep out of her previously! Unlikely she read this, but now I have sorted it in my head would hate for someone we know to come across it! 😮

Just a quick update before this thread disappears..,

So strange these two. Just got a text from the other one asking how it went last night etc, exchanged pleasantries... I asked about money etc for next weekend and she said they are paying for the cottage and just to bring some food/booze etc. Also they want to give me a lift there. So definitely not needed to make up numbers and in the "priveledged" position of getting a bed/lift.

I also really don't mind that they clearly had plans last night. Just wish they had been honest/clear from the off!

I'm pleased for you Bottles. Enjoy your w/end. Possibly your subconscious is alerting you to small tics before they blow up in your face. Maybe you just need to make small adjustments to your friendship, rather than techtonic ones further down the path.

Are you sure there might not have been something private going on - like a minor medical procedure, or some kind of not-for-public-consumption appointment somewhere else that Friend 1 was providing support for Friend 2? Botox? Fillers? Solicitor's appt? House viewing? Job interview?

Lol! No none of them seem likely! I think one of them had friends staying and wanted friend 2 to come out with them, but instead of just saying that they bottled it and said nothing. And I've no idea why as I am not the type to throw my teddies out the pram. However may just be a bit of projection there on their part, as at least one of them is the type who would definitely get the huff if anyone did similar to her.

I had something like this going on this year and I have let go of a few people out of my life. I had a do for my 30th and one so called friend (friends for 10 years) couldn't be arsed who let me down 2 hours before my birthday because she was hungover from the night before telling me she was depressed. Then spent the next 3 weekends partying with other people. It clearly sent me a msg alright. She has massive form for doing this and dropping me for other friends and never being there. She clearly wasn't to her what I thought she was to me. She still thinks I only let her go due to not attending my birthday. It was actually just the catalyst on a huge list of bad behaviour. Too long to list on here. I had a really good think about who makes an effort with me and who doesn't bother with me without me pushing it. I was doing my self esteem no favours by chasing them so I decided to stop. It hurt for a few good months and realised there was about 4 or 5 flaky people that always made me feel crap so I stopped bothering with them. Some of have done a half hearted msg about meeting up once but it never comes to anything.
There is a saying on mumsnet when someone shows you who they are believe it. I think some friends are like men. You know if they are interested as they will show it.
Me now? So much better. I still privately mourn the end of that said friend as she could be very fun but she was too toxic and flakey for me. It was damaging my sense of self. I invested my energy into.other people who put just as much effort into me as I do them. I am so much happier. It's all mutual and no stress. We see each other when we see each other and make effort to keep in touch. Maybe it's just time for you to move on like I have. It really knocked it out of me but I feel a lot lighter for doing it as it isn't natural for me to get rid of people out of my life. I was definitely a doormat before but I've learned that lesson now. I now only accept behaviour from people that I believe I deserve. Nothing selfish or weird. Just kindness and thoughtfulness and being there for me. Hope this helps.

Sorry going on last year.

I clearly wasn't * wow I should really read what I type before I post. My apologies on my phone.

Really good points Icestar