I'm broken

[lostincalifornia]

I just need somewhere to get my thoughts down. I have no one to talk to. And I need to verbalize my thoughts.

Before you tell me to LTB, I'm not. You may lose respect for me, tell me I'm being a fool. But, it's what I have chosen.

Two weeks ago, H was away for a work conference. He was gone for three nights. After the first night, he didn't call until 4pm. Which is odd for him. And when he did call he was argumentative. He came home early. And told me he was tired.

The next morning whilst he was in the shower, I checked his Apple Watch. Something wasn't sitting right with me.

There were texts from a woman. I didn't read all of them. Something I really regret. But one text has stood out, I want to fuck. Yep, I want to fuck

He was drink at a hotel bar. A woman came onto him. And he paid her. They had sex. Well, they tried, and he couldn't get it up. The next evening he got drink again. He said to block out what happened. He text her Gaian to meet up and then backed out. He said he realized what a huge mistake he was making. We have lost $4000. Yes, $4000.

He has a drinking problem. We saw a therapist. But he never wanted to quit. And the therapist told him, that he is one drink away from making a huge mistake. And he has.

He has told me that he has quit drinking. That he is not in control when he drinks. And that is what is the root of all our problems. And it is. Our big issues are caused by drinking.

It kills me that he text her the next evening.

We havent had sex for nearly two years. He has ED which he won't seek help for. So it kills me that he slept with, or tried to sleep with this woman. Here I am, trying to get some intimacy, a kiss, something and he went to someone else. He has said he will see someone to find out what's going on with him.

I can't stop crying. I can't stop the pain that is inside of me. I keep picturing him with her in bed. Naked.

I'm overweight. Maybe that's why he does t want me. I feel so ugly and unattractive. I feel like less of a woman.

I going to see a therapist. I think I need to talk to someone. But the pain is just too much for me right now.

Why won't you leave him?

Your life sounds miserable. He has no respect for you.

Where is your anger here?.

Why have you blithely chosen not to leave this person?. Why are you putting this man's needs above your own?. Do you really feel you are not worth anything more than this man and that this is all you deserve?. Is it because you love him. What is there to love about this man who drinks too much?. Are you simply confusing love with your own issues of codependency (codependency is often found in relationships where alcohol is a problem).

I am glad to read that you are going to see a therapist. You need some outside support and a safe outlet to express your very real feelings.

How did you lose four thousand ? I don't understand that part. She can't have charged two grand a night? How did he have four grand in cash on him?

I don't understand why you wish to stay with him either? It's not about people losing respect for you or whatever, it's simply why do you wish to put yourself through this?

attilla your post is spot on.

op you really need to look at your own issues here. Sort you out first then you can move forward

Why can't you Leave him and seek some therapy yourself OP?

Ok, don't LTB. Stay and live a tortured existence instead whilst H fritters your money away on prostitutes and alcohol.

Maybe being devils advocate here but he won't get help for his ED previous, cause he was embarrassed? Is that right?

The problem has been there for at least two years.

I'm wondering if this was a cowardly way to see if someone new (who didn't know him) would help his ED and identify if it actually 'works' or whether it's mechanical?! If course, porn would have been a much easier, cheaper and less damaging way of doing that but I can't help but think would someone really put them self in that situation knowing that he would potentially come away unable to perform with the embarrassment and a pocket full of 💰 down??

Dunno... 🤔

Which part of what he did makes you think he's worth keeping?

If you're not going to leave him what is the point of posting?

Because nothing anyone says is going to make staying with him more tolerable.

He is an alcoholic. And all his behaviour will likely stem from that. If he cam get cleam and stay sober maybe there is a chance and maybe its worth staying.

Otherwise, really? Whats the point in staying?

Your whole self worth and happiness is tied to this one man; but he just tramples all over your heart. I don't blame you, you made vows to him and have kept them. I blame him for breaking his vows to you.

Even before the adultery, he was not a loving respectful spouse. The way I see it, this may be an out for you to leave with a clean conscience.

But if you choose to stay, please find other things and people to enjoy in life outside this marriage.

I know you said you're not leaving, but the only other option is to make peace with the fact he drinks to dangerous levels regularly, isn't intimate with you, and chose to have sex with someone else. Can you do that? You have the proof, it's not a matter of wondering if he would have gone through with it or not. Can you forgive or forget that, because it shows a breathtaking lack of respect for you?
Why not leave? Kids, ill health,shared house, no job? I understand that, but otherwise he's not worth keeping.

If you don't want to leave then unfortunately things will just stay as they arenas as harsh as this sounds you need to suck it up buttercup you don't want to leave then put up with it but don't moan about it.

He is alcoholic, he doesn't even want to stop drinking.

He doesn't care enough about you to stop drinking, he doesn't have enough self respect to stop drinking and you think he will suddenly change now because he got caught trying to have sex with a prostitute?

He told you about the prostitue because you caught him. Does that mean he has done it before you just haven't known about it? Probably but tbh he is probably so rat arsed most if the time I can't imagine he can perform for them either.

You do know he will never get better all the time you are enabling him. You aren't allowing him to hit his rock bottom which he needs to hit in order to want to get himself better.

You sound very lonely and very sad. You must look after yourself. Go and see that therapist. Try and get some support.

Get yourself some real life support sort yourself out then look again at the relationship is this really how you see the rest of your life?

I'm willing to bet that the reason you don't want to leave is not about how you feel about him, and all about how you feel about yourself.

You might be scared of being alone, scared you'll never find anyone else. Feeling like better the devil you know.

These are all valid feelings to a point, but to my mind, they don't outweigh the bad in this relationship. This relationship sounds so toxic and miserable and hopeless, what's the point in staying? Where are you hoping it will go?

It must be exhausting living with this man.

Try to think about how much headspace you give him, day in and day out. Then think how much better your life would be if you could cut yourself free from that.

No longer would you care if he fancies some girl at a bar more than you. You would have control of your money and your time. Oi would be doing everything for you and nobody else.

That is when you will start rebuilding your self esteem. That is what you need to do but it will never happen while this man is in your life

Our big issues are caused by drinking.

So WTF has your weight got to do with it?

I give it a week before he stages an argument so that he can resume drinking and blame you for it.

Just came across this book; "Milk and Honey' by Rupi Kaur and thought of you.