How to help my friend who is in an abusive relationship

[teentraumas]

So, we were driving for a night out last night with friends we have known for 10 years. I'll call them Matt and Laura

No inkling anything was wrong then some muttering, then all of a sudden an outburst. Matt spouts the most vile language full of venom, I mean awful. Then punches her in the arm
We turn round and come home (they live near).. as we pull on the drive Matt gets out.. Laura stays in the car.. as he walks round the car she flinches because she thinks he is opening her door. She is terrified. He goes to there house.. we take her into ours.
Laura admits this isn't the first time.. but she loves him and he's a good man. No one knows but us. She is determined to go home although we offered her to stay with us. so I need to ensure she is safe. I go round to theirs, talk to him. He doesn't know I know about the violence and I don't let on because Laura tells him he will be angry and I can't risk Laura's safety. He comes round to ours, still element of angry... I am sat there trying to sort it so she is safe listening to his woes and why she was wrong to trigger his temper
She is coming over for a cuppa in a bit, I need to help her but I'm at a loss because 'she loves him and he's a good man'

A good man wouldn't do this, as you know. I would offer a listening ear but if you feel out of your depth get her to speak to Women's Aid as sometimes it takes an independent party to make you see things for what they really are.

OP you sound like a lovely friend. You could also point her to one of the many websites on the traits of an abusive relationship. Once she reads how many boxes he ticks she might recognise the relationship for what it is. Xx

She has a warped view of what a good man is hasn't she? Sounds like he has ground her self esteem down. If you have been friends a long time can you remind her of the feisty woman she once was? and tell her you can support her again until she is that strong woman again and has the strength to leave him. She doesn't sound safe imo. . Unfortunately she has to be the one to want a different life not just you wanting it for her.

I found Refuge very supportive. maybe give her the numbers / web site for when she is ready .... in the meantime just let her know you are there for her at all times.

Thanks, I've done some reading today and he ticks so many boxes. I also read that leaving a violent man on encouragement of others can put her at greater risk. Her self esteem is in her boots. I think a listening ear is all I can be. As hard as it was I had to let him have his say last night to keep her safe

It is when leaving that she will be at the greatest risk. So I would strongly advise speaking to refuge etc who can help manage it - when she is ready.

You are right not to want to push, OP. It's got to come from her.

I wouldn't bother with any more double dates with them though.