Never met any of his friends or family

[Greycat11]

I've been with my BF for a few years now. We are both in our 40s, don't live together. This suits me as am divorced and a single parent and like my own space. My child is my main priority and I'm busy with a long commute etc during the week.

We sometimes do things the three of us, but normally he only stays over when DD at her Dads. We work in same building so I do see a lot of him at work. I've stayed at his lots of times and am 100% sure there's no other woman. Infact I'm his first GF. He's happy at his place reading, watching sport etc, his man cave I guess.

Anyway, as title says I've literally never met any of his friends or family (other than his colleagues but we work for same company.)

He's always there when I need him, very caring and we are very much a couple and in love.

We plan ahead to the next holiday etc but never beyond that. If we do have a rare conversation about the future and possibly living together, he talks about the future being in a couple of years.

I'm not in a hurry to live together I'm happy how we are.
But he's met my friends and family and they think it's a little wierd I've never met his.
I put it down to distance ( they don't live locally) and as I'm shy it suits me so I've never forced the issue.

I guess I'm a little worried that it means that he doesn't view me as a long term partner. I don't even think it's intentional on his part, may be on a subconscious level.
What do you think? Am I his Miss Right Now, but he's holding back incase someone better comes along? Or he's just happy with how things are?
Maybe he's ashamed of me (I'm a bit overweight and a bit socially awkward, not putting myself down. just a fact .)

He gets on well with his family but has been self sufficient for years and maybe likes to keep different aspects of his life separate?

I'm certainly not thinking about "LTB" for this, I'm happy the way things are, just wanted to see what you think.

I'd be more worried about you being his first girlfriend, to be honest. Does he know how to behave as part of a couple? Does he do the usual nice things like holding your hand when out, treating you to things occasionally, going out with you? Or does he prefer to spend his time with you doing the same things as he does when alone - watching TV, etc?

It may just be that, as you are his first girlfriend, he doesn't know that he's supposed to introduce you to people. He may just compartmentalise his life into 'things you do with women' and 'things you do alone', and never the twain shall meet.

Just be careful. He clearly likes his 'alone time', as do you, but you have a DD, so your alone time is limited. When she's grown up, and you have more time to be a couple, he will still like his 'alone time' and may not be able to adjust to being part of a full time couple.

Thanks Zaph, he does treat me well, holds my hand, brings me cups of tea, little treats etc. And little things like family national trust membership so the three of us, or two of us, or me and my DD, can go out for day trips and picnics etc. (I have one card he has other. There's no secret family )
We rarely watch telly together, more likely to go for a run in the car with a flask and picnic e.g to the coast and have a good chat etc.
He's not conventionally good looking, although I think he is. And I think he just didn't have confidence around women. He's not a loner.
He's a good guy and puts up with a lot from me bless him like my bad pmt, which would be enough to send most guys running to the hills

OP, I think you need to be careful here. From what you say, this man treats you well and you both enjoy your time together. If the issue is bothering you, of course you need to ask about it, but I wouldn't go making assumptions of the 'I'm only miss right now' variety.

In some ways, I thought some of what you say about your BF sounded like me. We can only meet at weekends and tbh, I want to spend that precious time alone with him. I have no wish to be arranging coupley nights out with my friends and their other halves because I enjoy if being just us. Sure, this mot change in time, but it doesn't mean that at the moment I am hiding him away because I'm not proud of him, or don't see him as a long term prospect (I do!).

Maybe your BF is the same. You must have limited time along because of other commitments and of course you'll be surrounded by others at work.

Oh, and my family also live a few hundred miles away. The idea of taking him there just so I can parade him around is ridiculous. Sure, he'll meet people if they visit, but that's fine. We're also in our 40s - i don't need to be taking him back for my parents' approval!

Not everyone has a wide social circle and wants to spend time in larger groups all the time. Equally, not everyone has regular family events - in the last few years there hasn't been a single wedding, christening, large scale party in my small family.

Just talk to him. He probably hasn't even realised it's an issue and just looks forward to it just being you and him in the time you have together.

ladylouanne out food shopping just now will type more later but thanks

I ended a 9 month relationship because I hadn't met friends and family. My ex kept giving different reasons for this. I basically saw that the relationship wasn't going anywhere if I wasn't going to be included in her life. It's unrealistic to just see someone in isolation

You are aware of family and some friends. Assuming there is no secret wife or family, perhaps because of moving or some other reason he has lost touch with former friends. Or did he do something at some point which caused him to lose friends or sever ties? How long ago did he move from the area he used to live in?

If you've been together more than a few months then def strange you haven't met his best mate or parents. Think an honest chat if required, there may be an innocent reason, but if he STILL won't arrange for you to meet them then that's a massive red flag.

I'm sorry Greycat but I think this is a massive red flag. I had the misfortune to get involved with a man who kept me separate from his family and friends. I kept making excuses for him the way you are doing. He treated me nicely at the time, I wasn't really bothered etc etc.
I realise now that he keeps a lot of people separate in his life so that he can tell lies and has less chance of being found out. After 3 years together, I found out that he had been telling some pretty basic lies about his life.
The bottom line is, you're not really a full part of his life and you don't really know him unless you know other people who are close to him.

Thanks all for the warnings, will try to get more involved in his life when opportunity arrives.
Meanwhile I'm going to enjoy it for what it may or not be.
I may be being naive but I really do trust him. The issue was never that I thought he was being unfaithful, I don't.
It was more other people thought I should have met his friends and family.
But I would like to, and if he doesn't let me then I will realise it's a massive red flag.

You're clearly a little bit worried as you've posted about it and communication is key in a relationship, so why not just ask him if he would be happy for you to meet his family and see how he reacts?

DP and I waited a good while to do family stuff, he said he didn't want to meet mine as his ex's family were a nightmare, while I have a big family I already struggled to keep up with and didn't want another load of relatives filling up dates in my diary!

I also had this with an ex, mine was stringing me along saying he'd get his divorce sorted out, he wouldn't introduce me to his mum as she kept 'nagging him' about his ex, his 2 sisters lived down the road from him and I never met them, I rarely went to his place but I did meet his friends, this went on for 3 years. His mum died suddenly when we were still a couple, the look of hurt and confusion on his face when he told me this and I told him to fuck off home and don't contact me until you're over it, was so satisfying, why should I give a toss about someone I've never met.

Perhaps you could take the initiative and suggest going out for drinks /something to eat /cinema with the friend and his wife.

See what the answer is

My family member had a boyfriend and was in the same scenario - had never met his friends or family.

It turned out he was married with a family and she was (unknowingly) the other woman

Please get this sorted x

People keep saying to me that I should meet my partner's friends (we met OLD) but he doesn't seem to have any. Well not in the way that I have friends. One close male friend from years back that doesn't live local to him. And quite a few female friends that he's met through OLD but stayed friends with that he talks to often on the phone. But no one else that he goes out with or anything. I've met his work colleagues at his place of work. I trust him and stay regularly in his house and have met his children. Any thoughts? Perhaps some people just don't have those sort of connections?

Just another perspective OP. I had a BF like this 15 years ago. Everything was wonderful, great. We were long distance relationship. It was a year before I met any friends of his, 18 months before I met his family. I was starting to wonder and doubt myself. He wanted to take it slowly and had been badly affected by a divorce. In summary, everything was great except reluctance to introduce me to friends /family. I eventually pushed it, not like me. How did it end? We are happily married for 12 years with two DC and still very much in love. I still occasionally tease him about this period. Once I met friends and family I got on great and they are all now a big part of my life. Hope this gives another possible scenario.

I just want to put a slightly different perspective on it. My partner said last night 'how come I've never met your brothers in 4 years of us being together?' (He knows my Mum and my kids, but my brothers live a couple of hours away.) I honestly never thought about it before. They pop up to see my Mum from time to time and if I'm around when they visit I'll go and meet them, but I've never engineered a meeting when my boyfriend has been around to formally introduce them. (We're moving in together soon so it was said in the context of 'perhaps I'll get to meet your brothers now.' ) Guess I thought it would just happen naturally at some point but hasn't yet. I don't have any ulterior motive for keeping them apart.

Why don't you just ask your boyfriend and if he blusters and makes feeble excuses not to introduce you, you'll know it's a red flag. If like me he's just never really thought about it or assumed it would happen naturally (with no effort needed to set up a meeting) then he should be open to start introducing you to his friends and family pro-actively and can get something organised.