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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

can't decide whether to leave

30 replies

basejump · 10/03/2017 20:19

I posted a few months ago about finding out my husband (married 6 years, no kids) had been paying for sex and using porn to a really unhealthy extent. He is now getting help in a proper treatment programme for sex addicts. He seems committed to 'getting better' and to our future together.

I don't know if I want to stay with him. Please, if you want to share your disgust for men who pay for sex then save your time - I'm not condoning it but there are reasons in his past for his dysfunction.

Reasons to stay : loyalty, love (of the companion kind, Eros has most definitely left the building), financial security and fear of being old and alone. I have no siblings or children, once my parents are gone which will happen in the next 10 years or so, I'm basically by myself. Lucky enough to have some good friends but it isn't the same. I'm scared.

Reasons to leave: I can't ever imagine wanting sex with him again. He is a pain to live with. I can't co-parent with him (we were planning to adopt but that's impossible now. I'm thinking of trying alone). I could re-start the career I left to try to have children with him (we did IVF unsuccessfully). We met in country A, where I still work part time and all my friends live, and moved together to country B where I know no-one and can't imagine being happy to live and work full time.

A twist in the tale : I have recently fallen into a really intense attraction to someone unexpected. It appears to be mutual. I understand this could be because my emotions are all over the place. He is single, kind, intelligent, supportive, ethical AFAIK, gorgeous - and unfortunately far too young for me (approx 15 years). To make matters worse we work together. This is never going to be a question of leaving my husband for him. In all likelihood nothing will ever happen. But it makes me wonder whether life really would be as bleak after a divorce as I fear.

I can't talk to anyone about this and if I want to parent by myself, which I think I do, I need to make a decision sooner rather than later.

Hope someone has wisdom to share. Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 10/03/2017 20:25

Would you really give up your chance to be a mother for someone you don't love ? For someone that has taken your trust and shit all over it ?

Really ?

When you get to 70yo, what do you think your regrets might be ?

Happybunny19 · 10/03/2017 20:34

Exactly what anyfucker said

Original poster
basejump · 10/03/2017 20:35

It's not as simple as that, anyfucker. thanks for responding but there are nuances in life and I am dealing with a fuckton of them all at once, so some gentleness would be really appreciated.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 10/03/2017 20:52

What kind of "gentle" responses were you looking for ?

mummytime · 10/03/2017 20:56

You infatuation is just one of the ways your subconscious is shouting at you to get out.
It is obvious from outside that that is what you should do.

But don't expect people here to be mealy mouthed and support you in dragging this out and making everything worse.

herwegoagain123 · 11/03/2017 00:02

As someone who has walked in your shoes I would say leave. Face the fear of being alone. Its not real you will be fine.
Its his problem but you face the shame too and why should you, let him face it alone. He's mentally ill and will probably blame you.
You have no kids so no reason at all to stay.

Obsidian77 · 11/03/2017 00:10

I see that you want to make a decision sooner rather than later but can you wait a few more months?
You're dealing with a hell of a lot, no surprise that your emotions are all over the place.
When does he finish the rehab programme and what are his expectations for afterwards? I ask not because you should fit in with his expectations, obviously the way he has treated you has been appalling but because it seems you still have to come to terms with disengaging from this man.
I would also be concerned that you can't talk to anyone about this.
Are you still living with him in country B? What are your options for spending more time in country A?

herwegoagain123 · 11/03/2017 00:10

The reason you didn't have a sex life becomes clear when you know they are addicted to hookers. He sounds emotionally stunted and intimacy avoidant. That's why he runs off rather than be supportive because he just can't do it. He won't change.

tallwivglasses · 11/03/2017 00:15

I'm gently advising you to leave the fucker. How many more years do you think you could cope with living half a life? Flowers

Hidingtonothing · 11/03/2017 00:21

I think you have a much better chance of a happy, fulfilling life without him than with him tbh. Yes your life without him is more of an unknown quantity (and therefore much more scary) but I think you would be selling yourself short to settle for a relationship with no sex and, in all likelihood, no trust.

The possibilities are endless as to how your life might progress if you take the leap and leave him whereas you pretty much know what you are signing up for if you stay, I'm not sure this is a 'better the devil you know' situation. You could end up with everything you've ever wanted if you free yourself and are open to the possibilities and I just don't think what he's offering is enough to turn that chance down.

RubyBluesey · 11/03/2017 01:00

Life is too short to stay with someone because you are scared, even being alone will be far better than the life you have now

Mrskeats · 11/03/2017 01:04

You have put loyalty in your reasons to stay.
How is paying for sex being loyal? Confused

oneohfivethreeeight · 11/03/2017 02:24

Yes, but what if he decides to leave you? Where will you be then?

Gallavich · 11/03/2017 03:23

You only get one life! Don't waste it, please

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 11/03/2017 03:39

Your reasons to leave outweigh your reasons to stay. Leave, it is never too late to find happiness whether that happiness be on your own or with someone new.

I stayed in an unhappy marriage for years because there was always some reason to not make the break. I am 53 now and am happier than I have been in a very, very long time.

Original poster
basejump · 11/03/2017 08:18

thank you so much everyone, this has really helped me - good advice, kindly put.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 11/03/2017 08:23

The only reason holfing you in to a relationship and giving up your opportunity to be a mother is fear of the unknown.

Your wouldn't be staying because you want to be with HIM.

That says all you need to know. It'll be difficult but you'll have a future if you do.

DownTownAbbey · 11/03/2017 08:32

If you stay you have no guarantees. He could relapse next year or ten years from now. All that life would be wasted!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/03/2017 08:40

Your reasons to leave far and away outweigh any reasons to stay. Those reasons you put up to stay are flimsy at best and you wanting to further procrastinate at worse.

I would say to you feel the fear and do it anyway. Set yourself free of this millstone of a H and this other unavailable man. If you want to be a parent it will not be with either of these men.

holeinmyheart · 11/03/2017 08:57

You know the answer yourself as your words are shouting the answer. You really don't need us Mumnetters to tell you what to do.
Your DH has already voted out of your relationship with his penis. A marriage is supposed to be about mutual respect and trust.
Egg donation can also be amazingly successful ( check out results in Greek clinic) and you would have the opportunity to be a Mother.
Or, let even more years role by and stay in this very difficult relationship with a person you don't even seem to like.., and then it will seriously be too late.
Go for it, prepare to leave and take a chance. As Roosevelt said in his auguration speech, ( or something like it) All there is to fear is fear itself!!
best of luck and courage .

Rarity75 · 11/03/2017 09:53

My exP had an addiction to porn. We had a child together and a home. He sought help through counselling and psychiatric services for addiction. I tried to keep the family together for six months. But our relationship was dead. After I discovered he was still viewing porn I chucked him out. He didn't want me sexually and I had nothing but disgust left for him.

The only thing I regret is wasting six months of my life trying to help someone who really didn't give a shit about me only himself.

You have no children and your future doesn't lie with someone you no longer love. Be brave, life will be better without him,

jeaux90 · 11/03/2017 10:32

Basejump. Sometimes a fresh start is what you need. Don't be scared, it will be ok and you'll look back and be incredibly proud of doing that. Rather than the risk of staying and looking back and regretting it.

I'm a single parent, great career and couldn't be happier after leaving my idiot ex 6 years ago, moving back to my home country and starting again.

Stay strong, I think you know the answer here xxx

Original poster
basejump · 11/03/2017 20:11

Thank you again. I do know the answer, I just needed to see it in black and white rather than having it all swirling around in my head. I think it's because no-one knows I can almost pretend it isn't happening, which is dangerous. Anyway, thank you, I really appreciate it.

OP posts:
mumndad37 · 11/03/2017 20:31

Then please confide in someone in real life who will be supportive and helpful to you. Make it more real. This has nothing but sorrow written all over it, for you, but the future could be so different....

holeinmyheart · 11/03/2017 21:31

You need to plan your exit as it will give you focus. You honestly sound really intelligent which makes it even more puzzling why you would think it is alright for someone to treat you like this.

It is horrible to have to admit that someone just doesn't love you like you love them, as it bloody well hurts. But you know yourself that this is the case. So come on, gird your loins, get to a good Solicitor and move on.
If it will cheer you up, a dear couple I know have had a baby using Egg donation at a clinic abroad recommended by their gynaecologist fertility guy. They had years of frustrating IVF and had almost come to the end of the line.
Best of luck, and in a year, let us know how you got on, because we are all rooting for you. Xx

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