After 14 years together I still don't know him

[BlueBlue22]

Hi all, sorry if this is long but I'll try and keep on track...

Partly I need to vent, partly I could do with other people's positive stories and partly need a virtual hug.

I have been with my husband for 14 years and just when I thought I knew everything about him something new crops up to hurt me. We had been together 10 years when he got caught out seeing another woman for "just sex". He begged me to stay, said he was so very sorry, would do anything for me to make things better etc etc. I relented and stayed because (and I know how pathetic this is) I loved him.

Since then we tried for a baby because I really wanted a child before I get too old. We tried for a baby and I had a late miscarriage at 23 weeks, we were devastated but we pulled together and supported each other. We now have a DD who is my world, she's 6 months old. I have had PND since she was born though, and I have sought help. I am taking ADs and was feeling better. But yesterday I was doing some clearing and tidying because I am trying to sort out our spare room to be a proper nursery. I looked in his wardrobe and it was a total untidy mess, full of bits of paper, electrical leads, pens, change, even bloody car wax! So I thought instead of keep nagging him I'll tidy it myself. I was putting a couple of t shirts away when I found 3 butt plugs! I thought what the hell?! I hate any kind of anal sex so knew they couldn't be meant for me lol. I have had some time away from home recently so my mind was going overtime.

I phoned him at work and asked what the hell had been going on and why did he have these things in his wardrobe. I said "so I'm just waiting for the bullsh*t excuse" and he said there was no excuse. He said he likes using the butt plugs on himself. He said he's liked it for many years but felt ashamed. I said he should have told me, I'm not a monster, I can accept it. It's not like it's a really sick fetish!

However, it's not the secret itself that bothers me, it's the fact that there was a secret. I hate finding new things out about my H who I thought I knew so well. I feel like I don't know him anymore, just like I felt when I discovered the other woman. Now I feel like I just want out of this marriage and that I'd be happier on my own not having to worry about someone keeping secrets from me. I hate it!

I phoned my mum this morning because we had a row this morning before he left for work. I didn't tell her the details just that I was mad at him. I said some things that have been pent up inside me for a long time, that I hate him, don't want him to touch me, and that I don't care if he drops dead. I have never hated him this much. Perhaps it's the depression, I don't know, but I just hate his guts.

Problem is I rely on him financially as I'm a SAHM but perhaps I can manage as I have family to help me and a big sum of money in my bank account at the moment. What do you think I should do? I'm scared to leave but I feel like I have to be away from him.

Are you sure they are for him?
One quick way too find that out

You need to set aside time this weekend and explain to DH exactly why you are so upset. Why not just ask him whether there is anything else he is keeping from you? Although with a small child to look after 24/7, would you have wanted to hear about anything so trivial?

We know this is not about butt plugs if whatever. You still don't trust him because of the previous betrayal. Who can blame you for that?

I do not think you should draw conclusions from this just yet, but rather figure out if there is more. Finding out something like this is not a big issue for me, but I would definitely want to know if there is more stuff like that. Just ... try to remain calm, when discussing this, or it can escalate.

I told him why I'm upset, that it wasn't the fetish, it's the fact he kept it a secret and I'm sick of secrets. He just said there isn't much he can do, that he's being honest with me now. I say I can't believe him, and he said he's onto a loser already then. I think if he'd used these toys with someone else he'd have done a better job of hiding them. He says he's embarrassed and ashamed.

I concur with pp - use them on him. You'll soon find out if they're really for him!

lol perhaps I will say, "turn over then" and shove them in really hard. Hope it hurts.

You have just discovered something very personal about him. HE might be feeling awkward and embarrassed. HE was forced to have this conversation at work. HE doesn't feel able to share with you, if you have made your distaste for anal sex clear he might think that applies to him as well. This is a very, very intimate secret. We all have private sexual fantasies that are uncomfortable to share.

There are two people with feelings in the relationship. You are angry about the secret. I would be LIVID if you phoned me at work to have this very personal discussion.

Tbh it sounds like you have not forgiven him for the affair, which is perfectly reasonable.

No good advice, but wanted to sympathise. Have come to realise that for a long time the pattern of my relationship is that I find out oh has done something pretty shitty for someone in a ltr, he convinces me it's nothing, gets swept under the carpet, I find something else out later. He still hasn't explained many things and I'm just so tired of it. I understand completely the feelings that go along with not being able to trust him, and being really angry about it, but also being stuck as there's nothing you can do to make them tell the truth or stop being secretive. I hope work out what's best for you and dc.

hope *you work out what's best!

Bitofacow I told him to go somewhere private before telling him what was up. I just knew I'd stew all day if I didn't speak to him. I never normally bother him at work, and maybe I wasn't thinking straight at the time. I don't have total distaste for anal, I tried it a few times with him but I don't like it. I'm not a prude at all, I'm quite open minded, I just don't personally enjoy having anything put up my bum.

This is the problem with cheating men.
You never fully trust them again or their excuses.
He may well be telling you the truth.
And in all honestly your PND could be blowing this up to be more than it should be.
But... these are your feelings and they are totally valid.
Could you go to family for a week or so?
Just to get away from him for a little while to give yourself some head space.
I'm sorry you are going through this.

Thanks jellybellyqueen sounds like you have had very similar experiences

I think you have to leave but then I would not have forgiven the cheating. Sorry to sound harsh but you need to leave. I bet you don't know the half of it. You will always wonder what he is up to behind your back and you can't live a happy life with that going on in the background.

The butt plugs will be a massive thing for him. Anal play is still very taboo for men. No doubt the shame and disgust he felt about it and himself coupled with the fact that you had been having such an awful time (MC and PND) are the reasons he didn't tell you. That and he obviously doesn't feel able to talk to you about such things.

Is it possible (in the nicest, non judging way) that with your current situation, that maybe he has been left lacking in emotional love and support from you? That he's felt pushed aside? Obviously a MC has a big effect on the father too, as does a young child and having to watch a wife/partner go through a torrid time with PND and not being able to 'save' them.

I think you need to have a long, hard chat. Possibly probably with some mediation. I feel you're both hurting and both need help and support. You need this fog lifting before you can BOTH make a decision on how to proceed

lol perhaps I will say, "turn over then" and shove them in really hard. Hope it hurts.

This though, even in jest, is not cool

perhaps I will say, "turn over then" and shove them in really hard. Hope it hurts.
That made me laugh...

He should be the one leaving for a week not you....

BoobleMcB you're quite right. It has been a tough old time. I just don't have the emotional or physical energy to love/put up with him any more. I've been totally faithful to him, I have loved him and cared about him so much. He hasn't returned it, he has disrespected me, cheated on me and lied to me. He even gave me chlamydia for Gods sake! Most women get a holiday for their 5th anniversary, I got an STD.

I think its easy to think you get over previous deceptions but often do not, you will always be that little bit more "on guard" and I think here its not just the butt plug thing but it symbolises that you dont like the fact you feel you dont "fully know" your husband. Thats one of the things I have found hard with my DH emotional affair. I thought after 20 years I knew him inside out, so to find out he was capable of stuff I wouldnt have imagined has been a shock.

I think it's crazy that you are this upset over some secret butt plugs but I also think it's crazy that you forgave the affair.