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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Scared after this week. What do I do?

13 replies

Nighttimeowl · 10/03/2017 04:20

Name changed because I'm really paranoid about someone I know finding this.

My baby's father hasnt treated me well and I think I'm only now realising how bad it has been. I'm not sure what I should do now.

I saw him very recently and all he wanted was sex. He hasn't asked about the baby, or how I am, or anything like that what so ever. He just kept constantly trying to initiate sex, I told him no less than 20 times that I didn't want to/stop/don't etc. He asked why after I said no and physically moved his hands away from me and I told him I was uncomfortable and didn't want to. After a while I stopped trying to stop him but it was just unpleasant and uncomfortable and not enjoyable for me at all.

This hasn't happened like this before so I don't know if I'm being sensitive to be getting anxiety over it. Everything else about it was as usual, before it happened we were talking had a meal etc and we aren't officially broken up or anything so I don't know if it's my fault for not making it clearer that I really didn't want to have sex.

I haven't told anyone at all at this point and I know he would say I'm making up lies. He's currently refusing to discuss when he will spend time with our child - apparently me asking this is trying to control him and force him to do what I say - the only way he will be happy with seeing them is if it's completely on his terms, spontaneously, and in his convenience rather than mine.

Am I overreacting to be really anxious about this entire situation? feel so alone.

OP posts:

PollytheDolly · 10/03/2017 05:07

No you are not overreacting. He sounds horrible and coerced you into sex. That's serious, don't underplay it.

Why do you want such a man in your life? He has no interest in your child. I'd walk away from him forever. You deserve so much better

Honeyandfizz · 10/03/2017 05:12

He sounds awful in every way, as a partner and a father. Please don't stay with this man, you deserve much better.

picklemepopcorn · 10/03/2017 05:27

You are under reacting.

Penfold007 · 10/03/2017 05:36

You have a child with this man but not a relationship with him. He sees you as someone for sex and coerces you into sex. He's not interested in the child which may ultimately be for the best. Are you getting child support from him? If not then a CMS claim might be the way to go.

category12 · 10/03/2017 06:12

You did make it absolutely clear you didn't want sex, many times.

Please talk to rape crisis.

There are ways forward where you can facilitate him seeing your child through third parties (contact centres etc).

But he has no rights over you. Please protect yourself.

category12 · 10/03/2017 08:43

Hope you are OK. Keep safe.

twattymctwatterson · 10/03/2017 09:18

My ex was like this. He tried to make me feel that it was normal for men to behave this way. It's not. He's a rapist. Limit your contact with him as much as possible, in fact I would cut contact all together and let him go down the legal route to see his child

Original poster

Nighttimeowl · 10/03/2017 09:44

Thank you for the replies ladies ,
Really glad to hear it doesn't sound like I'm overreacting because I feel like anyone who met him would think he's lovely, caring, responsible etc but he's completely different when it's just us two. Everytime I take a step back and he realised, he suddenly turns into the caring thoughtful version again, and it's completely fucked with my head.

He also told me a story recently about a 'friend' of his, who's girlfriend dumped him, (they had a child together also), and that his 'friend' could legally take off with the kid as its his rights... I think he made the story up to almost warn me what could happen if I did the same.

OP posts:

AmandaK11 · 10/03/2017 09:47

I would definitely recosnider things with this person if such attitude keeps up.

category12 · 10/03/2017 09:57

Have you good friends or supportive family around? Or a nice health visitor / decent gp? You can talk to women's aid and rape crisis for good advice and support.

The nice/nasty persona is part of the cycle of abuse. He is trying to scare you about taking away the baby: he just wants power over you. However I would not trust him not to use the child as leverage. Therefore it would be a good idea to talk to the authorities and get legal advice as well. The emotional and sexual abuse are part of domestic violence and should be considered, there are protections you can get put in place.

You are not overreacting. At all.

MadameCholetsDirtySecret · 10/03/2017 09:59

Trust me, it is quite likely that astute people won't think he is lovely. Don't worry about that.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 10/03/2017 10:32

He just kept constantly trying to initiate sex, I told him no less than 20 times that I didn't want to/stop/don't etc. He asked why after I said no and physically moved his hands away from me and I told him I was uncomfortable and didn't want to.

... and we aren't officially broken up or anything so I don't know if it's my fault for not making it clearer that I really didn't want to have sex.

Let's take this to its illogical extreme. What do you picture would gave been clear enough? Telling him "No" 21 times? Slapping him? Getting the vapours and swooning? Kick in the nads? Brisk application with a lump hammer? What?!?

And secondly, your "we weren't broken up" is irrelevant - rape can and dies happen in relationships, and is even (since 1991) illegal within marriage.

Two graphs for you, and may I urge you to contact Women's Aid or your local domestic abuse people, even if only to talk and clear your head a little. Yes, this is abuse.

Is he on the birth certificate?

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 10/03/2017 10:49

I want to make this point separately - he's talking out if his arse regarding his "rights" (and if he's not even on the BC he has effectively none). Its not the grownups (parents, GPs) who gave the rights, it's the children. I'm not sure how old your child is, but you say "baby", so still very young? And if I'm getting the correct impression that he doesn't live with you, and (it's clear) he has no interest in DC, he would have a very long very hard battle to get anything from the courts.

But you need to do two main things:

Read up. A LOT. You sound sweet and naive and you can't afford to be the latter if you want to protect yourself and your DC. Knowledge us power and the more knowledge/power you have the less scared you'll be.

Tell somebody. This was rape, or at least coercive sex, which is also illegal. You would be within your rights to tell the police, but if you fwwl you can't quite manage that, at least tell the DV team/Women's Aid or your GP or health visitor - somewhere official to get it on record. Do it for your present peace of mind (you say you feel "alone" - you needn't be!), but just as importantly, do it for your future you, and to protect your DC. Yes, we're talking paper trail, and that's the abusee's best friend.

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