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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Bad day and snivelling a lot.

28 replies

RubbishMantra · 09/03/2017 11:42

Having a horrid day. Lost DH less than 2 years ago. Apparently I should be 'over it'. The most random stuff is reducing me to tears.

Shake some sense into me, please? Or tell me I'm not losing it?

OP posts:
Rarity75 · 09/03/2017 11:59

Who on Earth is telling you that you should be 'over it'?

I lost my DF many years ago and even now I can see someone on the street and for a split second think it is him.

Be kind to yourself Flowers

hmmmum · 09/03/2017 12:07

You're not losing it Flowers Flowers

Yoksha · 09/03/2017 12:10

Who ever told you you should be over it needs a swift boot up the backside.

I've read recently that the 2cnd year is harder to bear. Unmumsnetty hug & love from a fellow human to you.

Flowers Cake Brew Gin Wine. Whatever your poison. You choose OP.

VimFuego101 · 09/03/2017 12:10

I don't think you ever 'get over' losing someone, you just find ways to cope most of the time.

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 09/03/2017 12:10

No you should not be over it. Who told you that?

Be kind to yourself, take some time and try to reflect on the nice memories you have. Flowers

Original poster
RubbishMantra · 09/03/2017 12:16

My mother and one of my siblings @Rarity75. There's a recent film in whom the lead bears a huge resemblence to DH.

Honestly, I'm not draping around feeling sorry for myself. I just have a bit of a cry at home. But I miss him.

OP posts:
Original poster
RubbishMantra · 09/03/2017 12:25

Thank you for all of your kind words, and helping me not feel like I'm losing my shit. I'm going to put a film on, and try to just distract myself for a while. Maybe eat something.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 09/03/2017 12:37

Anyone who thinks you should be over this any time AT ALL needs to just fuck right off
Grieve in your own time and your own way x

Rarity75 · 09/03/2017 12:41

Well they need to keep their opinions to themselves. It's not helpful. Enjoy your film and look after yourself Flowers

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/03/2017 12:42

RubbishMantra

You are not losing it at all.

I am sorry to read that your horrible mother and one of your siblings are being heartless in this way. People like this deserve none of your consideration or head space. I would look at further lowering all forms of contact with these people.

Grief is a marathon, not a sprint.

OnTheRise · 09/03/2017 13:05

I'm so very sorry for your loss. It must be terrible for you. And it's being made even worse by the unkindness with which you're being treated. Of course you're not "over it"! That's a horrendous thing to say.

They're wrong. You get to grieve in your own way, and in your own time. Next time they start in on you about this, walk away. You don't have to listen to them.

Things you could do: wallow; watch a different movie; try to focus on happy times, and think of all the wonderful things you're going to do in the future; eat some chocolate; write WANKERS a lot on a sheet of paper and pretend that you're going to post it to your nasty relatives; do a huge dance all over your house, singing and weeping and expressing the love you have for your husband; dress up in ridiculous clothes and imagine wearing them out to dinner with your mother.

And through it all, treat yourself with the love and compassion that you deserve, and remember that grief comes and goes and all is well, despite your terrible loss, and that you are wonderful. No matter what.

EvaWild · 09/03/2017 13:19

Just have fun in some way. I don't think there is a way to fill the void yet, but you can most certainly mask it.

ChipInTheSugar · 09/03/2017 13:25

Have you seen the web chat about grief, on today, in fact, right now! Hugs, RM Flowers

Dowser · 09/03/2017 13:50

It's 20 years since my dad passed away.
I busied myself with mum, husband, children, house, Job.

Life is quieter now and I find I'm missing him more.

( plus I'm getting to the age he was when he passed away suddenly)

You be easy on yourself. Everyone reacts differently.

neighbourhoodwitch · 09/03/2017 14:27
Flowers
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 09/03/2017 15:17

They're being unkind OP.
You're allowed to feel what you like.
At times it doesn’t hurt. Other times you feel overwhelmed by grief and regret.
In time things will hurt less. In time the happy memories of DH will be what you dwell on. At present those are the hardest things to reflect on. So ignore your mum and sibling.
Give yourself time.

MrsPeelyWaly · 09/03/2017 15:20

OP, i think when people say things like you should be over it by now its because they are at a loss as to how to deal with a persons grief and they try to make it not be real.

Do what ever you have to do to get through this heartache and don't let anyone rush you.

xx

Ruleryellow · 09/03/2017 16:36

How are you now Mantra
I am really sorry you are feeling down today. I remember your original thread when your DH passed away and I can't believe it's nearly two years. No time at all. Don't feel bad about how you are feeling love. I hope you are having lots of cuddles with your cats. Thinking of you xx

fulloffunreally · 09/03/2017 21:12

Let it out, there are no rules surrounding grief. At all.

It is your grief, no one else's.

I hope you will be ok. Good to talk to a grief counsellor, as I did. Have you done that at all?

purplepandas · 09/03/2017 21:15

I am so sorry for your loss and for the lack of understanding around you. Grief is not a process with an endpoint! It's individual and it is what it is. I hope you can do what feels right for you at this moment and sod everyone else. They don't know how it feels for you, only you know that.

PollytheDolly · 09/03/2017 21:20

Grief is personal. It's nothing to do with anyone else!

fulloffunreally · 09/03/2017 22:08

How are you now @RubbishMantra?

Remember, it is YOUR grief, no one else's. Can be difficult when there is not much empathy with you, but onwards. Do it your way.

Busybusybust · 10/03/2017 08:12

It's 22 years since my husband died. I'm still not over it! I had people expecting me to be 'over it' after 6 months. It's nonsense of course! I found myself almost wishing they could have the same happen to then, and see how quickly they get over it!

Take your time, it does get easier. I rarely cry these days. There isn't a grieving manual - you have to do it your way. Maybe consider some grief counselling?

GColdtimer · 10/03/2017 08:17

My best friend lost her dhnearly 10 years ago. She remarried and has 2 children with her new dh. She still misses him, grieves for him. Despite being happy. Ignore them and be kind to yourself. 💐

Original poster
RubbishMantra · 10/03/2017 14:04

Oh bloody hell, thank you. I just needed to vent about the crapness of it all. I really like the idea of dressing up in clothes my mother would hate and dancing around the house to Animal Collective, (she would hate that music, she likes John Denver).

I still miss him so much. It's not as bad as it was though. I didn't know how I'd get through the days at first. I don't know really why yesterday was so difficult. It was this time of year when we first met, maybe that's why?

I have an afternoon off, and Little Monsieur - one of my cats has just climbed into my lap for a cuddle. He's usually just a blur of fast moving legs. Oh, they're both on my lap now!

OP posts:
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