dont want to go to sil wedding.......

[mum2sam]

nothing against sil just the fact i dont want to face inlaws we havent spoken in over a year. They have never been happy for me and dp and have not even congratulated us on our forthcoming wedding. We are actually going away just the two of us. When we got engaged she didnt even look at my ring and talked us out of having an engagement party.With her dd it has been completely different. I feel i cant go because it will hurt that she can be happy for her dd and not her ds, that she is welcoming son-inlaw into the family etc and not so much to me.It just feels like they will be rubbing it in and seeing them so happy for them but for us....Then theres the traditional line up htf am i going to be able to congratualte them i.e inlaws when weve not spoken it would be completely false. Not to mention i cant stand the women she has caused big rows between dh and i because every would be special occassion she has put a big fat cloud over it.Theres no way i want to have to speak to her or shake her hand etc during the line up.

She cut ties with us or dp and ds because we were buying a house near my mum (our first house). She slated the area etc (insulting my family and where i grew up-yet she doesnt even own her house) and said she didnt want anything to do with dp and ds-now how can i forget about that.

She sounds awful but I am sorry to say I think this day is about your SIL and her husband not you and your dp. You have to rise above it and keep smiling just for this one day if she wants you and her brother there.

By she I mean your SIL wanting you there.

Me neither... 5 weeks before it happens and I'm already waking up with nightmares...

Problem is that mums are nearer to their DDs than to their sons, and the same things for which they may judge you harshly, are the ones that they may be proud of if their DD were to do them.

The wedding may be a good oportunity to raise above their nastiness and start again afresh, but it may also go wrong. I guess that I would go just not to make things worse but would expect to agree with DH to take me out of any uncomfortable situation (it only takes as much as asking you to dance, if things are becoming tense). SIL is getting married soon and I'm already dreading it, unfortunately, in our case their behaviour has so damaged our marriage (between other things), that now I no longer "love" DH as I did in the past, I fear that I may not be able to keep my mout shut when I receive the first piece of nastyness

oh... and BTW, both MIL and SIL had no hesitation whatsoever in ruining our wedding so... the it's their day thing... doesn't stick well here.

yeah know exactly what you mean chandra.Dp has only come to realise what she was like when she tried to emotionally blackmail him from buying our first house as it was we didnt go through with it as for me it would always be the house that split his family up etc.I have only agredd to marry him if he puts us i.e me and ds first so i guess the sil wedding will be a big test of how it is. Part of the reason why we are going away to get married is because of them so we have our day with out them spoiling it. But how do i adress them when it comes to the line up im feeling tempted to hide in the toilets with ds(potty training) until they are all seated. Normally you would shake or kiss the brides parants and congratulate them theres no way i want to do that.

Also she has beeen texting ds asking if s shes been such a bad mum etc leading up to the wedding prob because she wants to put a show on in front of everyone.She did the last time we were all attending the same wedding yet after that didnt hear anything sice. The last wedding we went to-she had to much to drink and got upset with people consoling her.Its all show!Me and dp were sat on the end of the table feeling like the bad guys. And she a attention seeking manipulative bitch who wil be basking in all the glory and attention of being the mother of the bride and no doubt if she does have a few too many to drink she will confront dp or make the first move in front of everyone just for show.She obvioulsy wants to make amends but is too proud to say sorry which is what dp wants. He also wants her to change and has told her she had a hold him and she will never have that again. Even though she cut ties with dp she said she did it for a reaction dp didnt give her one and she hasnt took it back so hence they havent spoken for so long. Dp is actually relieved.

Mum2sam, I shouldn't be offering advice on this having had such a bad time with the ILs, but in the grand scheme of things, the important things is that you and DH feel both have being doing the good thing, so go, smile, kiss the mother of the bride (it doesn't have to be a sincere kiss, you and she know that), and if things just disapear when nobody is noticing (and believe me, people would be so concentrated in the marrying couple that it may probably be next day when they realise you weren't there until the end

Considering you are getting married soon, this is a small price to pay to keep things easy on the other front.

After the mess our wedding was with MIL and SIL... I sweared that if I had children they all would have a clandestine baptism (baptism seems to attract a simmilar fuss to weddings in Spain). We did it that way, and had a great time where the central part of the celebration was that DS was baptised rather than if we had sat people together who we shouldn't or if the food took longer to be served than it should. MIL and SIL went ballistic about this, but they would have gone even if we had done things exactly as they wanted so at least we have a very good and lovely day to remember free from unwelcome interventions form the ILs

What about going to wedding and reception but not staying for very long? That way you show your face and don't have to see PILs for very long. Look gorgeous and make sure your mil sees that you are a very happy and loving couple. Maybe say to sil (does she know situ?) that you will attend but will leave after the dinner/lunch? Good luck.

I would leave ds with a friend, go to the wedding ceremony (looking fabulous) and smile the whole of the time, being so nice to everyone that no one could be offended. All the while letting people know ds is not too well - not a lie, most have sniffles at some point- so you sadly have to miss the reception but soooo wanted to see the important bit, the ceremony. Mwah, mwah to everyone and all people will remember is the fab attitude, the smile and how you were gutted - but ds was poorly and you had to go. Dp can make up his mind to join you or stay

was thinking of that crazydaisy but have no one to have ds arraaggghhh. Just found out dp hasnt told them after all we are getting married-we are planning to go away just the two of us. Dont think they would congratulate us anyhow but still annoyed with dp i think hes worried it will take the limelight away from his sis or that it might make the situation worse. We had plaaned on getting married before them we just havent announced it. I only told my parents a few wks ago once everything was booked as i knew they might not be too happy about us going away alone but i thought it be better then just doing it and telling them when we get back. Do you think dp should tell them now or when we get back? I just feel like he is too concerned about other peoples feelings but not mine. Its like its some sort of bad secret.

Mum2sam, but.... not knowing may be much better, no need to cope with all the misery of the non-asked-for opinions of everyone you know. Better to present the thing as a fait acompli...

Is not about stealing the limelight but about to ensure you get the peacefultime you are asking for

Ooh that's a tough one.I think I would tell them before so they couldnt forever go on about how they didnt know, but would have loved to have known so could have given a party etc- yes, YOU know they wouldnt dream of doing one anyway, but people have selective memories and I think you have to cover your back as much as possible. I see Chandra's point too though, as it may leave a nasty tinge on your special day. Sorry, that's probably not much help!
My dh words of wisdom on these kind of things is "its always better to regret DOING something, than NOT doing something" (not quite a philosopher -sp?- )

my god id rather stick pins in my eyes then have to go to this wedding and see mil. Im really hoping i get some sort of tummy bug or something by the wkend

As you kiss her in the line up, whisper 'you're an old witch, and you look disgusting', and then say to the next person 'I was just telling mil how wonderful she looked today'.

Or don't go

definitely go - you will have the moral high ground and know that you did the right thing even when the family have behaved badly

if you don't go it will give them a reason to criticise. go, be serene, be lovely to the bride, and leave as early as is polite

I would not go. And I would not feel bad about it either...go out for the day instead and enjoy yourself, lifes too short to worry about what peiople who don't give a shit about you think about you!

well i went to the wedding held my head up high-i was polite and civil.But kept any conversations brief etc with mil didnt really let her know know about too much of whats going on in mine and dp's life just said things were fine etc.Didnt mention about buying a house, getting maried and trying for a baby. She cant critisise or spoil anything that way. Just made small talk really.I even gave the old dragon a kiss at the line up and a kiss goodbye.Ds seemed to be off with her because he hasnt seen her for 6mths and dp and i were having a loved up day so for her to see how we are all happy and getting on despite her cutting ties i think is her just deserts.

Well done you!