to not want my dh to work away?

[Lorelei2]

We need extra money at the moment because we're finishing building a house so the type of work he does (agency) brings in more if he works somewhere else rather than stays where he's at and takes a normal post = less money. So he's forced to take a contract somewhere else which would mean staying away Mon - Fri. We have 2 DCs, 5 and 2 and they're a handful. I work fulltime although it's flexi so I can work in the evening, but I'm not looking forward to the responsibility of getting them both off to bed by myself (normally we'd share bedtime 50/50) then working in the evening before going to bed alone and anxious in case one of them wakes up. I realise single parents have to do this all the time but I didn't sign up for this when I married him. One of my main worries is that he'll miss out on what's going on with the DCs during the week and come the weekend I'll resent him if he doesn't pay enough attention to them (he has a habit of sitting on his phone all the time) and our relationship will suffer. I'm not a very strong person and I'll miss him like crazy. He worked away when we were newly married but that was different. When you're childless you don't mind these things as much. It's going to be very tough and, although he'll say it's because we need to buy things such as furniture, finishing of our house, I think he'll end up with the easier end of the bargain. Of course he'll miss his kids. And maybe it's this that I can't get my head around- I would never dream of working away! How could you live with yourself if you were missing out on your children - if you did have the option of taking a lower paid job and staying at home. Anybody been in a similar position- would love any feedback. Whether you've had a DH working away or you've worked away during the week. Thanks.

Thank you MyBreadIsEggy. It's such an admirable choice to be in the armed forces. You must be so proud of your dh and the good he's doing despite the pain it causes you and your little ones. It puts my issues way into perspective.

Yes I agree Forager. For the extra money is it worth it ? And of course he won't have to worry if it is worth it because he won't be here having to do all the drudgery . I just wonder whether he would think it's worth it if it was me having an opportunity to work away. Would he be so keen on it then if he had to do all the drudgery. Of course he thinks it's easy peasy looking after kids and doesn't know what all the fuss is about

Lorelei2 I think it would up to you to decide what you think is worth the sacrifice for the extra money.

Personally, it wouldn't be worth it for me. I wouldn't want to end up resenting my DH for it.

I'd have to be realistic though and say if it was a huge amount of extra money he was earning, then I would have to at least consider it. But, only if the job was temporary. It would have to be a lot of money for me.

I'm not going to do all those shitty daily jobs as well as working full time on my own if it's not worth it!

My DH took a pay cut to take his job, but he loves it, and he's always wanted to do it.
Him being away is not my ideal life... But we are making it work.
I do put my foot down about some things- I work part time, but we still have a cleaner. If I want to go out, I get a babysitter- and we economise on other things.
He has had to accept that we do things differently when he's not here that he wouldn't like- eg TV before school. But it works for me & the kids. He chose a job that takes him away, so he lives with the consequences.
Sometimes he calls to speak to the kids, and they're too busy or don't fancy it, and he doesn't like that. Tough!

He chose a job that takes him away, so he lives with the consequences.

Is there any chance to have some help around at dinner/bath times for you and your dc?

You sound anxious about the fact that you'll be alone looking after the kids during the week. Who will look after your dc if one has an accident and might need an AE trip in the night or you fall ill. Is there a backup you can call on? Family? Nanny?

OP financial security should really be your main priority, life is unpredictable and Dcs expensive.
Think hard what your true issues are and solutions ( mine was having a cleaner) and get agreement with DH before he accepts...could be he takes over all child duties for Saturdays so you can go out for the day ( and tidies up by the time you return)

When mine were 2 and 3, l agreed with DH, who was working all over the world, to have a fortnightly Childminder from 9am till bedtime, once a fortnight, so that l could go to the dentist, get a haircut, sit in the cinema, meet with friends etc....it saved my sanity.

But for me having a calm house and discipline system with Dcs was my priority as l am not good with chaos. So l was fairly strict , would not tolerate tantrums or whining and used the naughty stair!!

Have a good think about how you want this to work for you ......

I think you're not helping your own feelings by terming everything "drudgery" and I also think you have a touch of the grass being greener elsewhere.

I work away 4 nights in a row, every other week.

There's no question of pulling my weight when I'm back - I'm divorced, it's just me when I'm back! (one child, which does make things easier!)

But your drudgery - cooking with and eating with my child, taking her to school, doing homework together... You frame it as drudgery, but that's all things I miss when I'm away and look forward to! I love doing homework with her - do you have to see it as a chore?

And on the grass being greener... Yes, the nights I am away are easier and I have time to myself. But I'm knackered on Monday night from the early commute or I've lost a portion of the weekend with a Sun night one. Thu night is a write off to a commute again. Now last night I did the equivalent of your husband pissing about on a computer game - I was on MN But whilst it's fun and relaxing, it's not actually my choice. I can't see a friend, a film, spend time with my fiancé. I've no-one to go out with, I can't even choose exactly what I want for dinner. Can't crack on with jobs I want to do at home. I choose this life so you don't need to get the violin out, but honestly - being away from home may be easy but that doesn't mean it's fun!

Your parents and his are ridiculous (and a bit offensive and certainly patronising) saying you can't manage on your own - of course you can!

Fair enough to choose not to long term, but you can do it.

My tips are:

• remember to actually enjoy the 'chores' around your children - they're not always chores! You say you don't want him missing out on that time, yet you feel it's drudgery - it really isn't all!
• try not to get resentful of his free time, it actually isn't as great as you think (though it's not awful!)
• make sure you get the balance right on weekends
• that includes planning housework, if you think laundry should be shared or done by him, you need to schedule it for when he's there! Or if you want to batch cook to help you midweek, or meal plan and shop - he can do that at the weekend.

One thing specifically on laundry... School uniform is quite cheap for most schools. My daughter's stepmother complains about constantly washing. I bought 5 sets of uniform so I never get "forced" to think about laundry on a day I'm too tired or busy. I gave SM some extra sets! Have a think about ways you can make your life easier.

Oh and I am a devotee of meal planning.
Even though it takes me no longer to actually prepare a planned meal than it does to prepare the same meal not planned, it is SO much more relaxing not having to think about it.
Don't underestimate how a bit of routine can just make life feel calmer and smoother!

I also see marriage, in fact any committed relationship as an equal partnership so for me, I'd be extremely unhappy about this; I'd only agree if it was really, really necessary, it won't help your relationship or his with his kids, they are still so small; I think it's not so bad if they are older, but he's going to miss out on crucial years.

Also, why should you be left to shoulder all the responsibility; and mundane shit.

My dad worked away, he ended up having an affair; not saying this will happen to you but I just think working away when you have a young family is not the best way to go.

On these threads, you'll always get posters saying "but what if he was in the forces!" but, y'know, I didn't marry someone who was in the forces and I wouldn't have done because I wanted to marry someone who would be around and parent equally with me. Of course, I could cope if he wasn't there but I wouldn't choose for him to work away unless there was absolutely no other option.

We did it for nearly thirty years, husband away for two to three weeks at a time on an oil rig. Our girls were four and seven. You get into a routine eventually, I am not denying it can be lonely, tiring, boring, stressful (my ibs started soon after he first went off shore). There will be times when you have to grin and bare it, I've coped with burst pipes, illnesses, deaths of loved ones, school problems on my own. I even sorted our house move out on my own, arranged for a solicitor to come to our house one Sunday and fax the documents to DH offshore to sign and have him fax the signed docs back to the solicitor.
If it is for a limited length of time it should be ok.

The cynics in me is wondering if he's "opting out" by choosing to work away? So he can play on his phone/computer all night & have a single bloke's life during the week?

My DP worked away/long hours when DC were young; I was frazzled trying to hold it all together with no family support, work, commuting & juggling everything at home. If I had a choice, my answer would have been "no".

There were no "movies & girls evenings" as I was so busy I barely had time to sit down till about 9.30pm.

If we had been very wealthy, I would have got a nanny, cleaner etc & paid for extra childcare so I could have had a few hours a week to myself. Unfortunately we didn't have the money for these, and it did adversely affect our relationship; I felt very resentful about being stuck in the house doing everything while he got a full night's sleep, hotel meals etc.

I worked away while DS was small, although not all week. DH was a postie so was at home in the afternoons, and DSS used to sort DS out and get him off to nursery/school. It worked for us but was tough.

The house will be there forever and can be done up slowly. The kids won't always be 5 and 2 and they need you both (ideally) now. Given the choice, kids want your time, not your money or a nice house, they don't see those things.

It's short term, and it's for money.

Honestly? You need to get a grip. In the nicest possible way.

I have 3 under 5 and DH often works away. It's not ideal but needs must and we have to just get on with it. It's hard enough him being away from his family to make money for us without me guilt tripping him too

Yes WellErrr I totally agree. I've used MN as a way to vent my feelings that I wouldn't share with my DH because I know it'd stress him out. It's a really good way to get to the bottom of an issue and I realise my issue is that I have a weak personality and want him to feel bad for working away! Like I want to test whether he really doesn't mind being away from us or not. And that's a really poor reason for not wanting him to go. Yes, we'll miss him and the kids might not always understand why he's away but it's not forever and I'll do a pretty good job on my own. I find MN a really good place to say things I wouldn't say to anyone else.

It can be hard, my dp works away Mon - fri and has done for last 2 years. I'm at home with dtwins who are 6 and ds 19 weeks. I'm on maternity leave now but used to work full time.

I admit when the children are being challenging it's so hard as I can't just get him to take over and I am on my own. At weekends the kids love it as daddy's home so the fun things happen like days out but I have all the dull bits during the week like school and homework. He does do bedtimes when home.

But when he's away, me and the DC have our routines and they cope very well with it all. I get to watch what I want and meal plan to what me and the DC eat. It actually throws me completely now when hes home for a week and I have to plan around him too. It's works for our family, we would be really struggling if he didn't do it, you adjust and manage.

Thanks Ellisandra for your tips. I only used the word drudgery because another poster used it and I was quoting her. I love being with my kids and yes, doing things for them can be trying, like getting them to eat properly, behave properly and basically be decent little human beings but it's the best satisfaction when things go well and you can be proud of them. I do believe I have the luckier side of things rather than my DH. I get to pick them up from school, nursery and find out how their day was firsthand, I get to decide whether to take them to the park before dinner if it's sunny and have a lovely time playing with them, while my DH is still finishing his long day and then has a long commute home. I wouldn't want that and I cerainly wouldn't want to work away.

How long is it for? Are there other options, like one of you doing a bit of freelance in the evenings?

I am sure you'll cope and it doesn't sound like your DH is in any way trying to be an arse, just that you're finding a solution to your particular circumstances.

I work lots and have two DCs 3 and 5 and wouldn't like it, but obviously life isn't always ideal. If we had to do it for a bit, I might accept it but would almost want a spreadsheet/list of all the options and what they actually meant in practice. I'd also list things to make it bearable - ways of getting 'you' time. You just need to go into this with a very clear shared vision.

crazyhead it's planned to be short term, 6 months but may continue as there are limited normal vacancies for when he wants to finish up.

Lorelei that's a very big admission saying that you wanted him to feel bad - I'd say that was a strong personality to reach that level of reflection :)

Thanks ocelot7. I like to try to get to the bottom of my feelings. More often than not it's a problem with me and the way I'm thinking of things than anything to do with the other person. Empathy is not one of my strong points.

To be honest I hated my DH working away, but, we needed the money so I had to suck it up. It was my problem to deal with.
He'd worked abroad for six months when the kids were 20 months and five years, then when that contract finished he got several short term contracts in the U.K.
When he got the offshore contract it was supposed to be for six months, they liked him, could see that he knew what he was doing so offered him a staff position.
If I'd have asked him to turn it down I know he would have, however he loved the job, especially the two weeks off every month. We actually saw more of him than we did when he worked Mon to Fri locally.

Things got easier as the kids got older. I got into my own routine.