With the concept of marriage imploding is RA the way to go.

[noego]

It seems to me in this modern world that the concept of marriage is imploding in its pre-conceived way. I know in my case that the concept of marriage has long gone.
So as an alternative to the pre-conceived idea's on relationships, is RA (Relationship Anarchy) and CNM (Consensual Non Monogamy) a concept that can be adopted. I know that as I practice this type of lifestyle and have conversations about it with friends around this chosen lifestyle they become more interested in it as a concept. Just wondering as to how many MN'ers have view on it.
Please research RA before commenting.

[PuellaEstCornelia]

Do what you like. Just don't do it in the street and frighten the horses!

[noego]

Lots of judgments of me as a person, even though those judging haven't got a clue as to who I really am. Quelle surprise. Lots of judgements against the idea of RA. Quelle surprise.
Is RA such an outrageous idea?

[Youallpissmeoff]

Are we writing an article for you?

[Glastokitty]

Outrageous? No. Fairly dull? Yes. I'm so glad I never had to write a freaking essay to justify my shagging.

[ocelot41]

I have friends who are happily married and friends who are happily poly. Who cares? I don't think there is a controversy here

[ocelot41]

By the way, noego, did you realise that you are coming over as a bit of an arse? Sort of sneery and superior. I am sure that's not what you intended, but its probably shaping how people are responding to you here. You asked for a discussion but it sounds like you want to exclude those who don't agree with you or have different perspectives. That's not going to go down well on MN, is it?

[noego]

Just keep it impersonal.
it is really a simple question. Is RA an alternative to marriage?

[Joysmum]

I find it interesting in your debate that you seem to see marriage a single construct and that all are the same.

If you distill it all down and cut out the frills, marriage is simply a legal contract and entity. That's it.

Personally, I'm in favour of marriage as it offers protection to the most vulnerable of the partnership and builds a more powerful unit with 2 people's power legally conjoined in to one.

I don't see the divorce rate as a sign that the concept of marriage is imploding, simply that it is more a case that people are more likely to have more than one and does have to be a lifetime commitment, although it is hoped it will be. Marriage suits when it does and then ends when it doesn't and ending a marriage doesn't mean the marriage was never successful.

How the people conduct the behaviour side of their marriage is not born of a single construct. My marriage is not the same as the next person's. Many married couples already practice consensual non-monogamy for example.

What's also interesting is the contradiction in terms. Relationship anarchy has as many rules as a marriage does! The only difference being that the relationship is underpinned by the legality of the relationship in marriage. Everything else about RA is surely simply how consentual relationships grow and are conducted in all cases, by communication, respect and consideration for one another.

[ocelot41]

Of course it is - but as people have already stressed, it is an awful lot easier for child free folks than for parents. And please, sort your attitude out! MN is a fairly personal forum and if you treat others poorly, they will call you on it.

[GnomeDePlume]

haven't got a clue as to who I really am

Of course not, it's an anonymous forum (unless your name is noego).

You proposed something and lots of people with different experiences didnt agree.

What you are proposing is a string of polygamous relationships. If it works for you and your various short and long term partners then happy days, get on with it.

As you claim it to be anarchy then you dont need any rules. So long as you dont make long term legally binding commitments to one of your partners then there is no problem. The problems come when you try to cherry pick from a standard monogamous commitment (ie marriage).

Legally marriage exists to show that a monogamous relationship exists. Marriage defines when that relationship starts and ends. If you dont want to be bound to one person in that way then marriage isnt for you.

If you are wanting to float through various relationships then dont do anything which binds you unless you are very clear that is what you want to do. Dont marry, dont have children, dont buy property with another person unless you want the long-term commitment that entails.

[Mittensonastring]

The concept of it well people can do what they want I really don't care.

But the way you write it's obvious something has got under your skin, people do judge people all the time for the little things like choice of outfit to the big stuff like this. It st depends if they vocalise stuff.

I always think if people are totally ok about their own choices then they wouldn't care what others think. Agree on the it's navel gazing.

[Mittensonastring]

All forms of relationship are an alternative to marriage, it's irrelevant if people approve of them or not.

[OddBoots]

"Is RA an alternative to marriage?" I am sure it is, but it probably suits far fewer people than marriage does, particularly when you look at relationships in a wider sense than the two or more people choosing that relationship.

If adults have an understanding of the legal rights and responsibilities within or excluded by any particular relationship and can conduct themselves in a way that is respectful to the other people in their lives then they are free to make that choice.

[JeNeSuisPasVotreMiel]

If we're talking in straight questions only OP - is it true that you are a middle aged man?

[noego]

La question de savoir si je suis âgée ou non est sans importance

[pigeondujour]

It's relevant to understanding the context of your question. I.e. are you an old creep trying to justify being so. I'm gonna go with yes you are.

[Joysmum]

I agree noego but the question of why you have chosen to swap to French is!

I suspect it belies your username.

[ocelot41]

Oh dear. Responding in French? This is inappropriate on a welcoming, inclusive forum. Please see my earlier comments about your attitude - you are coming across as very superior and sneery. Not at a the kind of attitude you need to engage successfully in either a trad or a non-trad relationship. I am leaving this forum now because I am beginning to suspect it may be a wind up.

[Somerville]

Is RA an alternative to marriage?

Not for me.

I got married right out of university. Some of our friends though we were mad - it was more counter cultural than shagging around, in our early twenties!
I spent 9 years of the next decade TTC, pregnant, in post-partum recovery, or breastfeeding and co-sleeping. I wouldn't have been able to go 'loving' other people - it wouldn't have been safe for my unborn children's health, nor practical. And between establishing careers and raising a young family and renovating a house there wouldn't have been time for DH1 to, and also spend time with us (putting emotions aside for a moment).

And then he got cancer. It was important to both of us that I had next of kin rights. That I knew him so well and we had so much trust and love that I could care for him through to the (way too young) end of his life. (I wonder where 'lovers' go when the person they used to have sex with has no sexual function after chemotherapy...)
And inheritance rights and bereavement benefits (only paid to married bereaved people) helped me to continue to raise our children alone.

So my experience is not that marriage is failing as an institution. When one marries the right person, it works really well to give financial and emotional stability.

When I consider whether RA is an alternative for some people... I think only really where someone doesn't have the biological restraints of TTC/pregnancy/birthing injuries - so people who don't want kids, or their kids are grown up. And the time constraints of real adult life - working, caring for elderly parents, the fact that it takes two full time salaries to afford the rent or the mortgage in the U.K., and all that, means that I suspect it will only really work for either those who have a lot of money, or who are happy with a very alternative lifestyle where they don't bother with mortgages and pensions and all that. And finally, I hope people engaging in this kind of lifestyle for the long term think about what will happen when they're ill or old and unable to have a healthy sex life any more.

[WannaBe]

I wonder whether the OP is being so defensive is because he has approached many women with this notion of RA and they've told him to get stuffed. .

Ultimately if you and your partner/s are comfortable you wouldn't have to come and defend your position to a website full of strangers, so one can only assume that the love just isn't there for the concept.

[JustifiedSinner]

Lots of judgements against the idea of RA. Quelle surprise.

Why do you think that might be, OP? You appear to think it's a terribly good idea, so why doesn't everyone 'get' the glory of it all? And might it have any relation to your bossy, pernickety posting style, which appears to have difficulty coping with disagreement or people 'disobeying' your rules?

PS. Your French is awful. Please stop.

[Owlzes]

Somerville - a lot of people in non-traditional relationships stick around for the long term. It isn't just for sex, and it can include some very long term commitments. And older people with kids have sex too! This forum is filled with parents dating or starting again and people always say that it's no barrier to finding someone.

[noego]

Thank you Somerville for your views and your story.

[ageingrunner]

It wouldn't suit me. I need to spend lots of time by myself to remain sane. One relationship would be stressful enough. More than one would send me under I think. Perhaps it would have been ok when I was in my 20s, but not now. I can't think of anything worse than having several men demanding my time 😖

[Annesmyth123]

No way would I have kids with anyone without the protection of marriage if it all goes tits up.

Other than that it all just sounds like such a lot of try hard. Hippie communes and free love went out circa 1969. Mais, peut etre, plus ca change. Every generation thinks it's the first to invent sex.