With the concept of marriage imploding is RA the way to go.

[noego]

It seems to me in this modern world that the concept of marriage is imploding in its pre-conceived way. I know in my case that the concept of marriage has long gone.
So as an alternative to the pre-conceived idea's on relationships, is RA (Relationship Anarchy) and CNM (Consensual Non Monogamy) a concept that can be adopted. I know that as I practice this type of lifestyle and have conversations about it with friends around this chosen lifestyle they become more interested in it as a concept. Just wondering as to how many MN'ers have view on it.
Please research RA before commenting.

[scottishdiem]

I think marriage is imploding in relation to the idea that its a lifelong commitment where to people stay permanently in love and death do them type thing.

As others have basically said without saying it, it is a contract. The second poster highlighted the value of that contract regarding women with children (although while actual law may not offer that, there is a growing case law that puts the principle of supporting spouses and children ahead of any legal agreement and law. The recent NI case about the long term partner of a deceased man getting support shows the direction of travel).

Divorce rates are high which shows that marriages are not the be all and end all. Especially when it comes to things like domestic abuse. But also boredom.

I actually think eventually relationships will be formally shorter via contracts and will include provisions about other partners involved. There will always be people who stay together for life but there will be others who find companionship in other ways.

[Emboo19]

I think people already have different concepts of marriage though.
My parents married after 20 years together, they saw it as a celebration of their relationship so far, rather than the starting point of one.
Personally I have no plans or desire to marry and my boyfriend feels the same. Neither of us would be happy with anything other than a monogamous relationship though, and it's been that way since our first date!

Out of curiosity as I'm presuming you are in a open relationship. How does the dynamics work? Do you feel you love all partners equally? Or do you have stronger feelings or desires for some partners over others?

[wherearemymarbles]

IIRC you are a mid 60's male with a penchant for 40 year old women. I rather suspect you want to shag around as much as possible whilst you can still afford the viagra.

What you describe might work in a commune where there is shared responsibility for children otherwise how are they and their mothers protected when the menfolk move to the newer and shinier model.

[WannaBe]

I find it interesting that we never hear from the children of these relationships. Where they have grown up safe in the knowledge that mummy and daddy have lots of different uncles and aunties who come to stay or who they go and stay with, and everyone loves everyone and no relationships are sacred.

And I've heard people talk about these relationships and how the children are unaware, and this is why I think that people in open relationships are deluding themselves. Because if they truly believe that what they're doing is normal and healthy then they wouldn't feel the need to hide it from their children would they?

[ClaryIsTheBest]

WannaBe


Calling somebody unlce when you're having a relationship with them is weird.

Call them loved. Or boyfriend/girlfriend. Or just friend. But not uncle/aunt.

[Owlzes]

If it helps, I know of several kids who were raised by parents in open relationships. In both cases, there were strong primary relationships that lasted for their parents entire lives, and then their parents had other special friends that sometimes came and went and sometimes lasted for years as well, and those secondary partners became more like uncles or aunts.

In both cases, I think they are considerably better adjusted than a lot of kids from more conventional families. Certainly better off than the friend of mine who's father has been married (monogamously) four times and who's mother has been married (monogamously) three times, each time ending in an acrimonious divorce.

[Anniegetyourgun]

I found one "significant other" too much like hard work. Imagine having a whole clutch of the buggers

No, singledom is the way forward IMO. Singledom and sperm banks.

[noego]

Relationship anarchy is not about never committing to anything, its about designing your "own" commitments with people around you as opposed to following pre-conceived idea's from society, culture, religion, education, romantic novels, movies, etc.
In essence RA could also work in a monogamous loving relationship between two people.
Its about looking at relationships from outside the envelope. So the concept we have about marriage/relationships as we have come to know it as a pre conceived idea I.e. boy meets girl, fall in love, get married, have kids, live happily ever after until death do us part.
Is this questionable in this modern era? and instead of following this preconceived idea can people create their "own" set of rules?

[SandyY2K]

I wouldn't say marriage is imploding, although many people are reluctant to tie the knot and they favour cohabiting.

One of the reasons, is the high divorce rate and this is especially the case when one party commits infidelity and the higher earning spouse looses a lot of what they consider to be their hard earned cash. This often is so, where the woman is unfaithful.

I've come across several individuals who favour an open marriage, because they don't believe in monogamy or don't believe it's possible.

It's recognised that less people are getting married in today's society and one reason for that, is because women are agreeable to have children without being married. I've spoken with a number of men who say that, they have the family they wanted without being married, so what's the point in actually getting married. It's not something men dream of, in the same way women do on the whole.

I also go into high schools discussing marriage and (the good and bad) it's with married couples for the students to ask questions.

The idea is to speak to the children, before they form such a negative view of marriage, from seeing relationship breakdowns of their parents and other family members and actually see that marriage can be a good thing.

There are also other relationship formats like polyamory, which some favour.

[PickAChew]

Suit yourself.

I'm too tired for all that shit.

[GnomeDePlume]

But if it is all about anarchy why do you need rules? You are free to have the relationships you want. If you dont insist on blithering about your relationships to all and sundry then nobody else need know. Most people arent that interested in other people's relationships unless those relationships are described to them inviting comment.

The statistical evidence seems to be contrary to what you have claimed. It seems that more recent marriages are more likely to survive. More couples are cohabiting before marriage and it seems that on the whole these marriages survive.

There is less statistical information about cohabiting couples splitting up but that is the nature of it, those relationships dont legally exist.

[ExplodedCloud]

I had a read. It looks like a perfectly nice way to spend your 20s. Not so hot if you need a committed partner for child rearing when even the best relationship can be tested.
And like Pick I couldn't be added with all that now. I like having DH. I like our life. I don't like moving house. I sure as hell have no wish to keep defining new sparkly relationships when I have my comfy saggy relationship.

[ExplodedCloud]

And anyway marriage is a pretty loose framework.

[Somerville]

That cut and pasted 'research' made me cringe. What is described is living life inherently selfishly, whilst dressing this up as love. Ugh.

[WannaBe]

I can just imagine the aibu thread:

"DD has been invited for a sleepover to her friend's house. Thing is that the parents are in an open relationship and DD's friend has said that it will be her mum and boyfriend there on the Saturday night but that her dad will be back by lunchtime on the Sunday. Aibu to not want to let DD go for a sleepover where there will be a string of different men in and out and where for DD's friend the norm is seen as mummy and daddy having multiple girlfriends and boyfriends even though they still live together?"

[Imscarlet]

I read the last post by the OP in a Carrie Bradshaw voice in my head.

[Glastokitty]

Sounds like a load of old hippy bollocks too me. By all means shag around, do whatever you like, god knows I did. No-body really cares. But he thing that has made me happiest in life is being married, I've never found it boring, and frankly who has the time for all that constant renegotiating of relationships. I work, have a family, a social life and other interests, I wouldn't have the energy! I'd rather put the time and effort into my little family, I got my shagging around out of my system years ago. But whatever floats your boat.

[Bitchycocktailwaitress]

Glastokitty that was the best thing I've read all month!!!

[forceslover]

Relationship anarchy? Sounds like a load of cobblers from a commune on midsummer murders!

[Againagain97]

Please research RA before commenting

Does that mean research and agree before commenting!

Can't have our own views and not need to research?

It's bollocks!

[Glastokitty]

Bitchycocktailwaitress you're welcome! All this I'm an Anarchic Pansexual Snowflake bollocks really gets on my tits.

[BoringUsername17]

When you look at the number of failed conventional marriages and cheating going on, as evidenced on this board, you have to wonder whether there is another way?
Statistics show that health outcomes are worse for married women than single women.
I spent 20 years trying to make my marriage work and it failed. I'm not in a hurry to try the same thing again. I'd rather co-parent as best I can with my ex, and have other relationships separately. I don't particularly want any of my partners to take on a step parent role and I am lucky that I don't need to cohabit for financial reasons. I'd much rather be officially single and be free to have multiple non exclusive relationships.

[picklemepopcorn]

My first thought is that relationships between emotionally mature people will look like RA, even if they are marriage. Allowing your partner to self realise and working out the details of what your commitment entails can be done within and without marriage. Not everyone is able to reach that point, even if they aim for it.

Marriage still offers legal protection to the less powerful partner (which can change throughout the relationship).

My experience is that my marriage is weaker for having developed that emotional independence. I think intimacy comes from mutual sacrifice and weakness, complete self reliance makes intimacy harder.

[pigeondujour]

It sounds like you vastly overestimate how much interest other people have in you, to me. The tone of your posts sounds navel-gazing and not terribly bright too. "Wasn't looking for judgmental emotional viewpoints but serious intelligent conversations around pre conceived idea's relating to relationships."

A pp said you're an older fella with a penchant for younger women. Quelle surprise.

[FlyingElbows]

I can't get past the image in my head of some unwashed upper middle class 20 year old banging on about "anarchy" while living off the state and a nice trust fund! Anyone over about 23 who's still describing themselves as an anarchist is a bit tragic.

Op if you want to shag about and dress it up as some sort of magic and fairies altruism then fill your boots. If marriage isn't for you then fine. There's a very serious reason marriage exists and it's far more important than you having a wee strop because it might limit how much fanny you can get! If you don't want to do it the don't, nobody cares.