Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Dilemma; advice please.

50 replies

user1484750550 · 06/03/2017 19:16

I know this subject has come up before, but I am having a problem shaking off someone who lives near me. She thinks she is a friend, but I regard her as more of an acquaintance. (Let's call her 'Z.') She is annoying and clingy and nosey, and she turns up uninvited if I don't answer her text or call (she only has my mobile number, and not my home number thank F.)

We moved into the area only a few weeks apart around 3 years back, and Z zoned in on me. She was OK to start with but became annoying very quickly and kept bugging me; asking me and DH to meet up with her and her partner, calling around unannounced, and joining things I was going to. (Several groups in the area....)

In addition, if she doesn't see me for a few weeks, she starts blabbing to the women in the groups that we both attend. 'Have you seen Deb? She hasn't been in touch for so long.' I began to feel like I have to justify where I've bloody been!

Me and DH went out with her and her partner a few times in the first year we knew them (to the pub,) but grew tired of them very quickly, because we had little in common, they were always late, and half the time her partner didn't turn up. They used my DH time and again to fix their computer, and a few weeks ago, my DH has said he is no longer doing it. Since then her partner has gone in a huff and has basically ignored my DH when he has passed him in the car this past few weeks.

The last time I texted her was to say 'DH is no longer doing computers so you'll have to find someone else.' (About 6 weeks ago.) We then saw her 2 weeks ago in a cafe, and she came over and spoke to us, and started asking questions about what we were doing and why we weren't at work and so on, and then she went.

Then I got a text from her today (at midday,) when I was out with DH, saying 'Hope everything is OK; not heard from you for ages, and haven't seen you around the area. I did call at your house an hour after texting you as I was worried that you didn't respond... Will call again soon. We will have to go all out for a drink again soon.'

FFS!

She is really bugging me now. I have been as short as I can, without being rude, and she flat out is not taking the hint. Short of telling her to F off (which is hard as we go to the same activities in our area,) how can I make it more clear I am not interested? Her partner seems to have got the message and hasn't even been bothered to turn up half the time, but she is not getting it. I am even at the point where I am not turning up to things/places if I know she will be there. Including my hobby groups.

I have nothing in common with her at all, and DH has nothing in common with her partner; we just sort of floated together a bit when we first moved here, and she clung on for dear life. (to us.) Any normal person would have taken the hint by now.

Me and DH went to the pub a month ago, (without them!) and last week one of the women from a group I go to said 'I saw 'Z' last week and she said she was really upset you had gone to the pub without her.' I felt myself getting angry and said 'Are me and my husband not allowed to go out to the pub as a couple without her permission? I don't have to tell her everything I do!' The woman just looked a bit shocked and said sorry. I said it wasn't her fault, but Z has no business getting sniffy coz we went to the pub without her. And going round telling people. What is she? 5!

And now THIS. Messaging me and then turning up an HOUR after, because she is 'worried.'

When we saw them in December, Z said to me 'have you ever been friends with someone who seems to start avoiding you, and starts acting differently' So I don't think we are the first to get peed off with her!

How can I deal with this? Text back and say 'yeah we're fine, he's fine, I'm fine, nothing's wrong. No time to go out for a long time. BYE!' Or just ignore her?!

OP posts:

Original poster

user1484750550 · 07/03/2017 07:38

shoxfordian
I think the time for dropping hints or being busy has passed; she clearly ignored these hints. Although it's difficult when you seem like a nice polite person; I think it's time to assert yourself and say something like

I haven't been in touch lately because I find your constant texting and calling extremely inappropriate. I do not wish to hurt your feelings but your behaviour has shown me that I do not want to continue this friendship. Please do not contact me again.

And then stick to it. Block her number on your phone; if she comes to the house then answer the door but be firm: ask why she's there and what she wants (I don't know if you feel uncomfortable but if you do you may need to phone the police)

Captain Awkward has some really good advice about boundary setting. This problem isn't directly analogous but I think it'd help and there are other good ones on her website too

Thank you, and although I do agree that the time for dropping hints or being busy has passed; actually telling her 'piss off, leave me alone, and don't contact me again' would be impossible to execute (for me.)

And why do they even have to have this bizarre 'meeting up with friends' situation and 'calling round your house scenario' with anyone? Why not just go to hobby groups/the pub/whatever, speak to people when you see them, and just be friendly and chat to people when you see them? Why the need to 'arrange to meet' and get sniffy when people do stuff without you, or go out with other people, or don't see you for month or two?!

Also I don't want to tell anyone else about it (like anyone in our friendship group/ neighbourhood/ general area,) because they will try and 'fix it.' I don't want anything fixing; I want her (and him) to just leave us alone, stop bugging us, and find someone else.

I will look at the captain obvious website though, thanks for that. Something on there may help me.

scarlettfreestone
I'm going to be honest here, it's your fault she hasn't taken the hint. You still haven't shut her down. She's going all round your village, pub and church badmouthing you and you still haven't called her on it! Next time you see her you need to say: "I'm actually not very pleased. Several people have reported to me that you have been saying X Y and Z about me with no cause. I'm even told that you complained that my DH and I went out on our own without you! I know you mean well but this is really not acceptable. You can't be turning up on the door step just because I haven't got round to replying to a text message"

She'll apologise and you'll say "thank you I appreciate it but it needs not to happen again. Be kind and polite but stop being a doormat. You can't keep doing the same thing (subtle hints by text) and expecting different results. Put your big girl pants on and have a conversation.

I do massively appreciate the response, but it's actually easier said than done for me to say all this to her (face to face;) I wish I could. I don't think she would apologise to me either. She would probably go tell people what a nasty spiteful cow I am. She has slagged people off before (to me) including her partner's sister (and brother,) and people at her workplace and her immediate neighbour.

But I do agree that this is my fault (and my DH's.) We should have let this 'friendship' go a long time back. DH is as much to blame tbh; he kept saying 'let's just go out with them to get it over with' and 'I may as well go do their PC or they'll keep on and on til I do.'

So even though I have tried to give them as wide a berth as possible, DH hasn't helped the situation! But he did say 'never again' after the last time her partner didn't turn up at the pub again, because he was 'ill.' And I let them know DH isn't doing computers anymore. I did say to him 'don't back down, don't crumble, stick to your guns. No more!'

So hopefully, constantly putting in blocks and 'saying no' will help them get the message. I do think though, that I am going to have to say something to the next person who says she has been moaning about me; something like 'I am done with her now, and list the reasons why...' If it gets back to her, who cares?!

OP posts:

SparklyMagpie · 07/03/2017 07:52

OP why are you ignoring all the posters saying you've written this before?

I know you've written this before and all about your husband with the computer and her asking you to take her to hospital

Why not let everyone know this is an update?

Shoxfordian · 07/03/2017 07:52

I hope captain awkward is helpful

I've been thinking recently that women are socialised to behave in a kind accommodating way and it's difficult then to not act that way with someone (even someone who is clearly not being kind themselves)

If you don't feel you can have a face to face conversation with the woman then there's no obligation to do so- you could text her something like what I said. Block her. If anyone asks either tell them if you want or say long story and change the subject.

I don't think it's your fault entirely as you can't control how people act but you can control your response and you can shut this down if you want to . Be strong

ChuckDaffodils · 07/03/2017 07:56

Wasn't it taken down as the previous story was a Previously Banned Poster?

There was enough advice in the last thread to end a hundred annoying relationships. No point in doing exactly the same thing again.

Magicpaintbrush · 07/03/2017 08:06

Most of the posters on this thread have suggested much nicer responses to this woman than I'm afraid I would have done. I think with somebody this thick skinned I would be inclined to be much more direct and tell her that you don't appreciate her asking others to chase you up, that you don't feel you have much in common and that you find her approach to friendship suffocating. Anything less direct is likely to over her head.

SparklyMagpie · 07/03/2017 08:09

ChuckDaffodils that's what I was thinking

Original poster

user1484750550 · 07/03/2017 08:15

I hope captain awkward is helpful . I've been thinking recently that women are socialised to behave in a kind accommodating way and it's difficult then to not act that way with someone (even someone who is clearly not being kind themselves)

One thing I've read on captain awkward is that if someone is themselves breaking the social contract by texting all the time or calling round in this way then you're no longer obligated to follow it yourself . If you don't feel you can have a face to face conversation with the woman then there's no obligation to do so- you could text her something like what I said. Block her. If anyone asks either tell them if you want or say long story and change the subject.

I don't think it's your fault entirely as you can't control how people act but you can control your response and you can shut this down if you want to . Be strong

Thanks Shox. Yes she is breaking social rules imo, and yes is IS out of order to just keep turning up on me without warning. Maybe I will just text her and say I would prefer to not meet up socially again, and just 'see her when I see her...' I got tired of this friendship a long time ago, and for some bizarre reason, she seems dead set intent on keeping it going. It's very strange. As I said, I would have given up ages ago if I had been her.

A couple of people I have talked to about this said she sees a vulnerability and weakness in me (she sees I am nice,) and she is exploiting it.

This ^ This is what I need to do magicpaintbrush. It's just having the courage to say it! As I said, I really do NOT appreciate her whining at others about me and asking THEM to chase me up. As I said, I am not a child FFS.

As I said before, I think she has driven other people away before (judging by something she said to me a while back about people not keeping in touch with her and acting differently towards her.')

Thanks to all the people who have given helpful advice. This is a tricky situation and it really helps to vent on here and get advice.

OP posts:

SparklyMagpie · 07/03/2017 08:20

I honestly ( if this is true ) think you've let it go on too far, you've nobody to blame now for not closing this down. I'll await the next update, if it gets that far OP

FrancisCrawford · 07/03/2017 08:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Footle · 07/03/2017 08:26

OP, what's the matter with you? You must know you've posted this before. If you're not aware of that, then I'd question whether your account of this 'problem' is accurate either.

SparklyMagpie · 07/03/2017 08:33

Footle oh she's clearly aware, she's not even done the " no definitely not me that's written about this before, but nice to know I'm not the only one dealing with this"

Northernpowerhouse · 07/03/2017 08:42

Yes, i remember the previous thread too. Strange that OP isn't acknowledging it. Agree with Footle re the accuracy of her version.

GeekyWombat · 07/03/2017 08:42

Honestly, was the previous thread of advice not good enough?

Smidge001 · 07/03/2017 12:33

The OP is obviously perfectly capable of blocking and ignoring our repeated questions re the previous thread... Ironic!

FrizzBombDelight · 07/03/2017 12:49

Smudge.... lol. This is very strange indeed, I actually had to go back to check the date as I was sure I was reading an old thread! I guess some posters have too much time on their hands. I wonder what is to gain from making up stories on MN?!

ScarlettFreestone · 07/03/2017 14:25

OP I do understand that you find confrontation difficult. Many people do.

However I'm not sure quite what you expect from repeated threads about this issue.

No one is going to come on to te thread with a magic wand and make this go away.

The way to stop this is to have a calm, polite, very firm face to face conversation.

If you aren't prepared to to that then you will just have to put up with it.

You say you don't want to confront her because she might be mean able you, but she is already gossiping about you.

There is no easy way out. It's hard either way.

Choose your hard.

toldmywraath · 07/03/2017 17:16

No wonder OP can't shake off velcro Z. OP prevaricates, beats about the bush and cannot be bothered to answer the simple question that posters have asked (about her posting about this previously)

SparklyMagpie · 07/03/2017 17:21

I also love the fact she hasn't replied since all the posts since have been asking the same questions

I'm still waiting for MNHQ to get back in touch

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 07/03/2017 17:25

I am quite confused by your refusal to answer questions OP

bloodymaria · 07/03/2017 17:34

The last thread wasn't even that long ago! This one has a different posting style though. What is the bloody point?

user1488397138 · 07/03/2017 18:17

This "problem" is also on MSE marriage and relationship forum.
Poster given exactly same advice there. Seem to recall her posting multiple threads. All exactly the same details. She was flamed there too.
Bizarre.
If I recall she also posted about being of a better "class" than the neighbours too.
Beyond odd.

SparklyMagpie · 07/03/2017 18:50

Thing is, the OP is not going to get anything different to the previous advice ( also on this thread an multiples from the original) so I'm not seeing the point?

Forgettheworld · 07/03/2017 18:59

I don't come on here that often but I remember the other thread. Why do it? Is it the attention they like? I don't get it, it's not even a very exciting post!

JorahsMissus · 07/03/2017 20:26

I remember the other thread, very strange of OP to COMPLETELY ignore every comment mentioning it.

Odd.

Holly3434 · 07/03/2017 20:50

You gotta be careful she don't take the hump and become a neighbour from hell

Flip

1 2