Ridiculous, inappropriate, intense crush on man 20 years my junior

[standingroomonly]

Namechanged for this because it's so pathetic but I just need to vent it somewhere. I have developed the most insane, intense and stupid crush on a man I met a few months ago, and it's just getting worse and worse the more time I spend with him. I just can't stop thinking about him and I feel sick every time he's anywhere around.

All this would be ok if I wasn't a) in a long-term relationship and b) old enough to be his mother (he's early 20s)

I have to see him frequently and can't get out of those meetings. For reasons that would be identifying I'm having to spend a lot of time with him over the next few weeks and part of me can't wait and part of me just wants to run away. I feel a bit obsessed; last night I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't get him out of my head. We have to be physically close at times and it's driving me mad.

I feel like a horrible lecherous old woman, and bad for dp because this man is on my mind all the bloody time. I need to find a way to switch these madly inappropriate feelings off but don't know how. He would be horrified if he knew how I feel and I'd be humiliated. My relationship with dp is good and im not going to jeopardise that ( not that this man would be attracted to me anyway!) but I feel like I've been knocked for 6. Has anyone got any advice, even if it's just get a grip, woman!?

It's won't help to hear that this happened to me..At the risk of outing myself..!

Age 36..he was 22..Insane, full on crush.

I married him :D We now have two beautiful kids!

FWIW I love the fact I'm early 40's now and DH is still in his late 20's (and still insanely hot!)

P.S You shouldn't feel bad. Yes, he's technically young enough to be your son, but the point is, he isn't. He's a grown man.

Expect plenty of unsupportive comments here OP. Most MN users seem to forget that we're human and live their perfect lived preaching behind a computer screen.

Can I direct you to the non-judgemental support thread. You'll find human beings on there.

Chin up. It's probably just hormones playing tricks.

I think it's normal and natural for middle aged people to find twentysomethings physically attractive. Most people don't act on it because it's frowned upon and the older party ends up being derided. Also, most 44 year olds would feel that they've little in common with 22 year olds, who should be enjoying themselves with friends of their own age. You seem sensible. What you're feeling is not weird/unnatural but it will pass. There's obv no way you'd act on it.

standingroomonly - what happened to me was I realised how unhappy I was in my marriage so I'm now in the process of separating from my husband. I've started dating and met someone a lot more appropriate. Not much help to you if you're otherwise content in your relationship though.

Crush and I had a kind of weird dynamic. I think he knew I fancied him but probably not the extent of it. He was very interested in my separation and I was practically on the cusp of declaring my feelings. So glad I didn't though.

Thank god you are alive and human!! i think the way to get through it is a bit of humour , a bit of forgiveness ( to your own self) and a bit of wry reflection

^ This. I had a similar experience recently and I am in my 50s, so just past menopause. I am, however, single. I would say he was in his late 20s. It was very strange, I was very flustered and felt really intense in his presence, almost as if I could literally go off immediately somewhere just to have sex . I felt sick and confused and flustered and excited all at once!

Luckily I only had to deal with him a few times so that took care of it really, though I would never have done anything.

I think he knew. And I think he sort of felt it too, there was some mutual interest going on, not quite sure what.

I have a friend who experienced something similar, though it went on for a lot longer, and she had to see him nearly every day. I think she thought she was going mad with the sexual tension.

My advice if you don't want to pursue it - just stay with it. Don't "do" anything, and it will in all likelihood pass.

This has happened to me twice. The first time was with someone I was working with for only a few weeks, I found out about 6 weeks later that I was pregnant - so I'm totally putting that down to hormones.

The 2nd, we worked together for a year (I was 37 he was 21), and despite the age gap the attraction was mutual. I was married though with 2 small DC so I made sure nothing happened. funnily he was the first person I looked up when I became single again, but he was living the other end of the country and engaged by that time, so it was clearly never meant to be anything more than it was. My point being, (a) just because he is younger, he won't necessarily be horrified and (b) you will get through this.

Just thinking, I agree with jellybean this happened to me in my last job. He was 19 years younger (in his 20s) and we kept ending up sitting next to each other at work dos. I was always quite conscious of his presence. I didn't find him so, so physically attractive as the OP finds her man, but I was aware of him, as a man, not some young kid. We really clicked and found it very easy to talk and our conversations were interesting. He used to touch my arm, so although I never did anything to embarrass myself, I wouldn't berate myself for being delusional etc...

Well it's very cheering to know I'm not the only 40-something having her head turned by Young Men

I think I'm just going to keep out of his way as much as possible over the next few weeks and hope that my rampant 'ormones settle down. I'm not going to stop doing the activity I love but I will probably just try to distance myself a bit. It's not as if I'm going to be missing out on a potential new romance if I do that, and I may feel less...mad.

Not quite 40 but had an intense crush on my younger boss at the end of last year. He was definitely flirting with me (tall tales to show off his manliness!) and I had my head turned.
Happily married to DH though so I never would have done anything. I ended up confessing to him (I was actually quite concerned about the strength of my own feelings at one point) I cried, DH giggled and hugged me.
Younger man left our workplace (I still have him as a FB friend though). Feelings have mostly faded, although I get the odd spike of longing still 5 months on.
Hormones are a weird thing ('mine' was 27 too - are these men at peak attractiveness or something?!)

Spring Fever. I think it's nothing unhealthy and will pass.
Unless you are now reconsidering life with DP.

Oh god, I feel your pain, this happened to me last year. Met this man and we just stared at one another. I could feel myself flushing and my mouth went dry with the adrenalin. Mortifying. We were sitting so close the air crackled. He plays rugby so was very well built. I just couldnt stop staring. I went back the following week and he gave me his number. 14 year age gap. We've had quite a fling - 9 months

Am I the only one who feels that the older I get, the luckier anyone would be to get close to me? I don't feel like some ancient lech. I feel like an established goddess, and they are awfully lucky if I turn my golden gaze on them.

: )

Don't sell yourself short. Obviously don't do anything, as you are not free to, but don't feel so much that he is amazing and you are some mouldering loser. I am entirely sure that you aren't, and I also doubt he sees you as that. You are a woman, and you desire him. OK, you can't go any further with that but stop making yourself older before your time! Enjoy it, I say again : )

maggiemaye the OP is getting nothing BUT support and understanding on here, what on earth are you talking about?

Its an interesting thread this.

Also I forgot, there was that time on holiday ... I couldn't do anything ... it was impossible on a couple of levels. But it was amazing the strength of feeling, I felt like crying too (somebody mentioned that earlier) though it was all embarrassed glances and confusion and then this fiery heat! And recounting it to a friend later I sort of started sobbing! I don't think it was just lust actually - it was like really wanting something true and real. I can't really explain it. I even had fantasies of leaving the UK and living in a small whitewashed sunlit room with him...

wingsofdesire Brilliantly said!

I shall try and remember that for when I feel old and a bit 'meh' about myself ( even if its only for for DHs benefit)

You see this is what I love about this place. I started this thread with trepidation, feeling old and sad and pathetic. And now I'm a goddess with a golden gaze

I might see him tomorrow. I shall do so with a new outlook!

oh greenthings.. I'll never forget a lovely lifeboat man off the Welsh coast.. who sped up to us in his rib when I was out sailing with my exh ..

Our eyes met over the gunnels and sparks flew.. .. (The fact that I was wearing tasteful yellow oilskins, rubber boots and a headscarf was of no importance) I just knew he was the 'one' I had been waiting for .. ..and If I could have got off out boat and onto his, and just sped away with him, I would have !!.. ( mind you that was 30 years ago now!) .

I love this thread , but perhaps i had better stop contributing , or you will all never believe just how happy I am with my lovely DH..

You are indeed, Standingroom and dont you forget it!!

Thank you so much for that quote, wings I've written it out in my Special Book

Pity me who hosted, for years, international students precisely of the 20-something variety. Plus I am single. There was some carpet chewing going on (on my part) on the odd occasion. I was actually living with them! Oh! Thankfully, professionalism and shame kept me safe. Thank goodness.

I can't even remember their names now!

Except one

20 year age gap ...15 month relationship. I don't regret one bit of it

Hi OP

Been there done that.

Long lmarriage and have in that time had 3 what I can only describe as crushes.

The last was with a colleague literally half my age. Except this time I felt it physically iyswim :p

Nothing has ever happened. It's all in my head, and I just tell myself it will pass. And eventually it does. Usually lasts about 3 months (me playing out scenarios in my head, googling their house, usual crap) but I do get over it.

It's perfectly natural to fancy other people. As long as it stops there.

Hope that helps

wingsofdesire - brilliant attitude.

I'm so relieved I'm not the only one gone mad over a young man rubs knees

Well I saw him yesterday and tried to remember that I am an established goddess

I'm not sure that really worked - I still can't feel anything other than a bit stupid and confused, really - but we had a bit of a laugh nonetheless. However, at the end of the evening he came up to say goodbye and I did that 'brain in meltdown' thing where I just mumbled something mad and incoherent, like a twat. Sigh. Honestly, sometimes I'm just a twat.

Same again tonight, eeeek.

ah, bless