Am I being spiteful?

[SweetieBaby]

Found out last year that my husband had an EA, I guess, though it included sexting and sending pictures. This lasted 4 years until I found out because he sent me a text meant for her!!!!

I have tried to move on and make our marriage work but I just can't move past what he did. I really want to tell her husband but my husband begs me not to.

I don't know how I will feel if I do it but I want her life to fall apart in the way mine has. Am I just being spiteful? Will it help me?

I'm just so unhappy at the moment and have no one to talk to.

Sorry but I would tell her husband! Poor man!! Whether it's physical or not it's unfaithful and disrespectful. He deserves to know his wife is a lying, sneaky cheat.
Your husband has hidden this for four years! Very very good at lying!!! Will your ever trust him again? I wouldn't trust a word that came out of his mouth.
It's hard now .... but living with him and being paranoid all the time, reliving what they have been doing for the next twenty four years will be much harder x
Whatever you do good luck x

Tell him, he deserves to know and not be made a fool of. I can't quite believe it never got physical either. 4 years is a long time, your H shouldn't be trying to stop you either.

Your problem is that what he says makes no sense at all

You know deep down you are being lied to

You telling OW husband will put a bomb under the situstion

I would do it, because you will clearly never feel safe and content with what your husband has told you so far. Mainly because it stinks like bullshit

So why not throw the chips in the air. You might finally get something more close to the truth because your H will never afford you that respect, it would seem

Another one here who thinks the wronged husband has a right to know.
After 4 years I also doubt it was just an EA. Your husband has deleted the evidence, so may be the involvement of the other husband in this will help uncover the real truth.

He lied to you for 4 years. He's not going to stop now. Although I'm so sorry that you are in this position, I envy you finding the concrete evidence which allows you to make an informed decision before you get further down the line with this cheating piece. Good luck, do what is best for you, you owe him nothing but contempt.

If you want to continue your marriage I would talk to the husband via phone. There's various advantages to doing this.

1 Two eyes are better than one, and you have less chance of the affair reigniting or going underground if there are consequences for her.

2 Her Husband might be able to determine just how far it's gone. This is really important because you need to know what you're meant to be forgiving.

3 Your husband will shit his pants.

He might not want you to tell her husband because if you do you will find out the truth

In your situation I would tell

Thank you all for your replies.

When I first discovered this the OW actually messaged me and we had lengthy conversations. I asked her the same questions that I'd asked DH and she gave me the same answers ie they had never met in RL, it was more a friendship with some sexting, but more just talking about their lives. She told me that my DH was struggling to deal with my illness!!! and she was unhappy in her marriage and would talk about that.

She begged me not to tell her husband as she said he would not be able to cope with it. She said she loved her husband and never had any intention of leaving him.

She does have form for this type of thing though, having done it at least once before.

My gut feeling is that I do believe DH when he says that they never met but I am scared that I'm just being taken for a fool.

I've asked him over and over for details and some he answers other times he says that he can't remember. It's at these times that I think there is more to it than he is telling me but I'm just not sure.

He promises that he never meant for it to happen - in his eyes it started innocently as a friendship but then along the way sexts and pictures were sent (he says she instigated this). He says he needed someone to talk to.

I just don't know. What he doesn't understand is that I find the EA the biggest betrayal. He talked to her about our life, about our marriage, about my health and my illness. This feels like such a violation. Because she was friends with him on facebook she saw photos of our children, of us on holiday. She liked a picture of our daughter in her prom dress. Apparently she talked to him about what I looked like etc. I HATE this. I think I would rather he'd had a one night stand with someone.

Is it self destructive that I want to know everything? I feel like they have had a life for 4 years, albeit a fantasy life, but I can't deal with that. I feel that to be able to move forward I have to be a part of that life. I feel like he can't have secrets with her if he wants to move forward with me. Does that make sense or am I deluded?

When I ask him he will answer to an extent but then claims he can't remember or says he doesn't want it dragged up again. That he wants to forget about. Well good for him but I can't forget about it.

It makes total sense, and he should be willing to tell you everything if he is really contrite. It's not his call whether he wants to discuss it or not. If you don't feel as if you know all the details you will find it difficult to move on, I suspect.

This might be completely wrong and if it is I'm sorry and please ignore, but does this woman actually exist? Has your husband been catfished by someone who likes a bit of drama? And that's why she doesn't want you to pursue it with her husband - because if you do the whole house of cards will come down (and maybe there isn't one). There's just something about how you've described the way she is that tweaked my spidey senses.

It doesn't actually change the fact that your OH was emotionally disloyal with what he believed was another woman so he is still at fault but it might explain a few things.

I'm also wondering about catfishing, whether this is just a lonely person who is nothing like who they claim to be, the secret coming out could expose that they aren't this amazing bodied woman at all

I did say that to him. A woman by that name does exist in the town that she says she lives in but who knows if that is actually who he was talking to. He only saw pictures of her body, never her face. He spoke to someone on the phone but who knows if that was her? Her Facebook page was a made up name with no friends or anything so really and truly who knows?

He has been completely stupid and has risked everything for what? That is what hurts so much. Would it be easier to deal with if he decided to leave me for the love of his life? Right now I think yes but then who knows?

He says that he felt that they were soul mates, that she felt the same as he did about everything but when you probe a bit deer she was clever with how she found out stuff almost like a " what's your favourite food?" ",Fish and chips" "omg, that's mine too! We have so much in common".

I'm not excusing him but he fell for it, hook, line and sinker. If what she says is true, she has a very comfortable lifestyle but it's boring. I think she does this as a way to spice up her life. She led him on to think that it was going somewhere. He said he felt flattered that she gave him so much attention, that she boosted his ego etc etc but she wasn't the one kept awake all night by his snoring, or watching him pick his toe nails or having him fall asleep in front of the TV everynight. She didn't have to do his washing or run herself ragged look!ING after his children while trying to go to work and deal with the dog throwing up while the washing machine flooded the kitchen ( slightly exaggerating but you know, the real life stuff). It almost feels like he was phoning a sex line - I've seen them on tv. They're telling the man they are 25, a size 8 and talking to him wearing nothing but a G string when in reality they are 65, 20 stone and wearing a skanky dressing gown!

She could be anyone to him in the brief phone calls or via text message and he wants real life to match up to that. I've told him to leave me for her. I told her that she was welcome to him and she nearly had a fit. The thought of her having to come down to our standard of living soon took the shine off.

I think that's what In your own mind you need to keep saying to yourself
This is about him totally disrespecting your entire relationship
She could be anyone, she clearly has her own issues but it doesn't sound like she had any intention of 'taking' him, she wanted to feel wanted. And he fell for this. His desires have destroyed all the trust - not her. He allowed this crazy, frankly stupid situation to evolve. He's not her victim.

Agree ^^. Was his decision every step of the way.

I'd totally tell the husband! I would wreck their lives just as mine had been damaged! ....and I do think it would make me feel better! but then I am evil and spiteful when it comes to cheats in any form! its just low and so destructive!

She didn't get the best of him, if the best of him is grubby texts and betraying of a spouse then your standards are pitifully low.

You're not being spiteful but you are projecting your rage at a softer target because it's easier and more convenient than confronting the man sized excuse you want to stick by.

Telling her H won't change your H's betrayal and it can't right the wrong done to you. The energy invested in these thoughts are a distraction from the reality that your H, despite his egregious behaviour, doesn't get it and you aren't ready to accept that this is the man you say you want to remain married to.

Unfortunately, you are experiencing the true price of standing by your man and this shit, is just a component of that.

OP, sorry but there's just no way he was involved with this OW for FOUR years and they never met, I'd say they did and it was sexual as well as physical, basically he's had a four year affair, why should you get over it, you shouldn't and he should be gone OP, not there telling you to shut up about it and move on, what a bloody cheek.

Tell him to go, you will then be able to think better and have him as a reminder gone, even for a little while; you don't have to get over his absolute disgusting behaviour towards you, you can decide you deserve better.

I don't think you can trust him at all, he doesn't even sound that regretful, still has a soft spot for her, he'd be out the door if I was you; no man is worth hanging on to who can treat you so appallingly.

He's never seen a picture of her face

She's a catfish IMO.

I actually do believe that it is possible.

I think this makes it as bad as meeting up - he was totally lost in some ridiculous fantasy and didn't even see the red flags here? What does that say about him?

How would you manage to tell her husband then? If you aren't sure if she is real? I think perhaps you need to do more digging also.

Funnily enough when you said about the body photos I also thought catfish.

There's two possibilities here:
She's catfished him. She's probably not the same person in the pics, she may be physically very different to how she's presented herself. If you hadn't spoken to her on the phone I'd have said she could even be a man.

This would explain why they haven't actually met up in person - she'll have been making endless excuses to put him off. The conference thing might even have just been the latest attempt by him to meet and she might have been intending to come up with a last minute "emergency" that meant she couldn't go. It would also explain why she was aghast at the idea of him leaving you for her.

The other possibility is that she is the woman in the photos and they HAVE met up. It's easy enough to take a secret day off work and meet in the middle, even if you both have to travel 2-3 hours to get there.

In either scenario your DH has physically cheated or has had the intention to do so. And if scenario 1 is the case, he's also a gullible fool.

I personally think you should try to contact the husband, if he exists. Don't tell your DH you're doing it. Record the conversation.

Catfish or no, it does sound a bit like a phone sex thing, as you've said. It could have been sexually "innocent" at first but was still a bit of emotional pornography that escalated. They both wanted more from their lives and this was easier than putting in the hard work of improving their day to day relationships. It may not be an accident that you discovered the affair just before he planned to burst the virtual bubble. People often want to get caught, subconsciously.

I agree that the best way to handle this is with separate (for now) counseling for both of you. You probably can get past this and regain trust if he's willing to work on himself and with you. Right now you're stuck because he is withholding information and asking you to do the same. This is the same behavior that went along with the affair, so in a sense it is still going on. No wonder you can't let it be in the past! When someone has deceived for so long they no longer get the benefit of saying they'd rather not talk about it. He got to not talk about it for 4 years, now its your turn to hear about it. I pray that he is just covering up because he's ashamed, and that there's not more to it.

Courage! You sound like a very strong, reasonable woman.

kitter thank you. Your kind words have made me cry.

I really think you have hit the nail on the head. I think that he was flattered that someone was showing him some interest and it did go from there. I'm not excusing him at all but she did tell him that she has done this before. She also told me that she had no intention of leaving her husband, she just wanted a bit of excitement.

Maybe I am being gullible, even stupid, to contemplate giving him another chance but I feel so guilty for splitting up the family home. I know this is ridiculous because ultimately it is his actions that would be splitting us up but he says he doesn't want us to split so I need to make the decision.

I knew that our marriage wasn't it all it could have been but I'd just been diagnosed with a serious illness, was juggling work with a family etc etc. In my stupidity I thought that he loved me enough to take the rough with the smooth, that he would have held on until things improved again.

If I decide to try and make a go of things do I have to make the decision to leave this in the past? I feel like I need him to tell me everything so that there are no more secrets but I know he feels ashamed of what he has done and is embarrassed to talk about it. I need "closure" though.

He keeps promising that he'll never do anything like this again, that I can trust him but he doesn't seem to understand that it's not that easy. How do people earn trust? 20 years I knew him before he did this. Does that mean he could do it again in another 20 years? For 4 years I had no clue that it was happening so what would I be looking out for? Even if he lets me check his phone/ computer it doesn't prove anything does it? He could just have another "affair" phone hidden somewhere.

Does my indecision mean that I'm not able to forgive him and move on? When I got married I married for life and now I feel like I have to try and make it work but I feel like he has to do most of it.

We are going for counselling, its just taking a while to get it sorted and for some reason it's all hit me again and at times I just struggle to even breathe it just hurts too much.

Deep, soothing breaths. Breath into your belly, as they say. Just like labor pains you can get through this when it washes over you. Emotional healing and trust building on his part should help the keenness of it diminish with time, but it may still crop up at odd moments in the future. Then it'll just be one more of those pesky "growth opportunities" that lead to more wholeness and intimacy in the long run.

I don't think you are at all foolish or gullible for trying to maintain your family of 24 years (still 20 if you don't count the deceit years) despite his selfish behavior. His actions reflect on him not you. You are still the committed, diligent woman you've always been. Hopefully, he sees that and is able to thank his lucky stars for you and step up to the plate.

It might help you to read a book or article about dealing with and healing from a spouses infidelity or betrayal. Your councilor (once you get one, hopefully soon) should be able to recommend a good one. Also, if they're part of a larger practice they often have programs and booklets in place to help folks with this sort of thing.