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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My husbands affair

20 replies

user1488655262 · 05/03/2017 12:02

Hi there,

I don't know what to do. I found out on the 9th of Feb that my husband has being having an affair at work. He works away. He was all over the place at Christmas nearing a nervous breakdown so much so I insisted he went to the doctor I went with him. He went back to work and I confiscated my daughters iPad( she is 13 was giving cheek) and while I had it I went into drop box to see if it had retained some older photos I had lost. There were lot of pictures, he went away for the weekend with his mistress the minute he returned, messages, video messages from him on Christmas Day, others saying bad stuff about me, calling me the mother of his children and saying that he confided his affair in his mother, and the runway will be clear soon. I feel like me I have physically been punched. I have two girls and did not return to work after my last daughter was born (she is 3)as he wanted to explore this opportunity. When I confronted him he denied everything until I sent the evidence. He then said he was relieved etc. He has gone from blaming me to being very contrite, to abusing me saying I looking good now and it's s pity I didn't make an effort the last five years and then calling me lump. When he is sorry he says he would do anything, no passwords, really try etc, how could I ever get past this. I forgot to mention he came home but I insisted he went to his mothers. If I mention mediation he flips, so now he is calling to the house when it suits him and I am letting him to avoid conflict in front of the girls. Sorry I am probably not making any sense, but where to next? What are my rights? Can I insist he stays out of the house? He is threatening to come back. How do I get him to agree to seeing the girls in a structured manner that's fair, I can't deal with the drop ins! He says he will refuse to pay the mortgage next month, can he? Should I speak to the bank now? I had a very good job but it will take me a while to get back to work. I am just lost and sad. Please help.

OP posts:

SookiesSocks · 05/03/2017 12:10

You need a solicitor.

If the house is in both your names then yes he gas as much right to be there as you.
He can refuse to pay the mortgage but then he will be defaulting and that brings its own problems.

It sounds like he is bullying you in to doing what he wants.
This man is not your friend. Do not belueve a word or threat he says.
Please get a solicitor asap and find out what your rights are.

I am sorry he has done this to you OP.

HeavenlyEyes · 05/03/2017 12:36

Leave your key in the door so he cannot let himself in? You need a SHL and fast. His contact with the DC should not be in your home. He is an utter bully indeed and I would suggest some counselling/support for yourself too. WA would be worth a call I am sure, plus an STI test for yourself also. How much RL support do you have?

SookiesSocks · 05/03/2017 12:41

Heavenly it is his home also and she cannot just lock him out.

Passthebiscuitspls · 05/03/2017 12:42

Oh my lovely... it's just bloody awful isn't it?! I have been in your situation and I totally understand the sheer panic and shock that comes hand in hand with this situation.

The first thing I did was see a solicitor. You need to know your rights regarding money, the children and the house. Get all your ducks in a row. It took me a while to get to the truth so whilst it was all happening I saw a couple of solicitors to establish how I'd go about divorcing him and how I could set up on my own in a new life with the kids. Once I had the evidence, I then filed for divorce straight away. That's not to say you should but just know that you have options. You do not have to stay.
Think about yourself and the kids. What's right for them? Can you sort access with him amicability?
I wish you so much luck in sorting out the mess. I'm a few months in and the shock has subsided now. Still very much in panic mode about the money and setting up again but I'm hoping everything will work out. Xx

user1477219732 · 05/03/2017 12:47

Feel very sad for you, but surely this tells you that you are better off without such a devious, selfish and unloving person?

HeavenlyEyes · 05/03/2017 12:48

I am not suggesting she locks him out. But leaving key in the lock will at least protect herself from him waltzing in when he fancies it. I am not suggesting changing the locks.

SookiesSocks · 05/03/2017 12:51

His contact with the DC should not be in your home.

It was more this comment i was replying to.

Good idea regarding the key so he cannot just walk it though.

Original poster

user1488655262 · 05/03/2017 12:58

The house is in both our names. I hope to see a solicitor this, Tuesday. I feel utterly bullied. He keeps saying that he would change and that I am the one throwing in the towel. That I will be responsible for the impact on the girls. I need to get myself back to work asap as he is really using this as well. How can I stop him coming into the house, the doors opens with a turn device not a key and even when he knocks my youngest daughter just runs to open it. He keeps telling me how hard up he is in his mothers and that I have no right to keep him out of his house.Today he has arrived with his washing to do and last night he took rice out of the press as there was none in his mothers! We have not said anything to our oldest girl yet, as it happened his mother was in hospital and we just said he is minding granny, she will have sensed something though. I have not told my family yet. I just don't want to burden them until it's sorted. He says it was only going on a few months but he was a basket case at Christmas with me, ruined it to be honest, said he was not sleeping but he was face timing her at 2am etc. Also in the video messages he sent her he just fine. He keeps saying that person is gone he wants to change is going to counciling etc. The doctor gave him some statistics on the impact on children as well. My head hurts with all of it and I am finding it hard to seperate this person from the man I loved so much.

OP posts:

SookiesSocks · 05/03/2017 13:03

Unless there is a risk of harm or threats to harm you cannot keep him out of the home. I am sorry.

You could fit a door chain so that even if he opens the door it wont open fully? Place it high up so DC cannot reach?

Keep your plans to yourself and dont tell him anything.
Collect any important documents such as mortgage papers bank statements wage slips and keep them safe.

He will use all kind of tricks to get you to do what he wants.
Guilt
Anger
Blame
Pity
Threats
Fear

Ignore them all. He will ramp them up the more desperate he gets.
How old are DC?

Original poster

user1488655262 · 05/03/2017 13:05

My daughters are 13 and 3.

OP posts:

myoriginal3 · 05/03/2017 13:14

The bastard.

How dare he try to blame you. Fucking prick.

See your solicitor on Tuesday and take it from there. The dickwad.

Apologies for the expletives but this is the first of many many cuntyhook threads I've read where I've actually felt angry on your behalf.

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 05/03/2017 14:11

He keeps saying that he would change and that I am the one throwing in the towel. That I will be responsible for the impact on the girls.

This has made me so angry on your behalf my lovely.

If he starts this blackmailing shit, nip it in the bud.

Just say a very loud and direct No.

No. You threw in the towel when you broke our marriage vows to be with someone else.

No. You must take responsibility for the impact on the girls because your affair led us here.

The way he's referred to you, is just awful and it's obvious he has no respect for you. Please don't spend time putting back a relationship with a man so selfish and disrespectful as this.

See a solicitor and cut out his noise and bullshit, try to keep a clear head for the future and what you need to focus on to protect your girls and yourself.

HeavenlyEyes · 05/03/2017 14:18

Sorry but his affair is his responsibility - how bloody dare he blame you. Please tell your family - stop protecting him. You want him out as you will never trust him and he is not very nice. End of. There is no excuse for his continued awful behaviour and there is no justification for him being unfaithful either. The flaw is him - not you.

CaliforniaHorcrux · 05/03/2017 14:26

Ineedmorelemonpledge has highlighted the exact part of your post that I was looking at as well and is right that he is the one responsible for starting all this and the impact it will have on your girls. Don't ever feel any guilt for decisions you have to take in light of his behaviour. Was he thinking about the disruption to the girls when he was with the OW? No. So hardly in a position to criticize you on that front

Original poster

user1488655262 · 05/03/2017 14:41

Thank you all very much. You are saying what I need to hear and even though it hurts I know I have to move on.

OP posts:

Longdistance · 05/03/2017 14:53

Don't let him call the shots. The ball is very much in your court, not his. He doesn't get a say in what happens next, as he was busy dipping his wick elsewhere.

Don't tell him your moves i.e; going to the solicitor on Tuesday, just do what needs doing.

Also, with regards to him moving back in, tell him you need more space to think plan your moves and make sure you get your ducks in a row.

Good luck op

thelikelylass · 05/03/2017 14:57

There are many women on here who have been in your place. I haven't but I did have a very nasty break up and it was awful trying to get him out of my house. I kept a steady head, and started really scrutinsiing my finances.
I did it and did it successfully.
Listen to the advice here, don't look back and keep focused on this time next year.
You have to prioritise you and your children, fuck him, his needs are way down the chain.
Good luck and do not waver, have faith in your ability to steer yourself through this.

teenybean · 05/03/2017 15:50

Has the affair finished now, or is he still seeing her?

I really feel for you op, especially with him blaming you, he is an absolute twunt!

Ledkr · 05/03/2017 15:56

Another who was in your situation.

I cannot tell you if the empowerment of not accepting this and moving on.
It's by far the most hideous thing I have ever been through but my self esteem and dignity is so intact it's worth it.
Mine was like yours and never did any proper apologising or trying to make it up to me, instead he was cruel and brutal at times and wanted it all his way.
I'm to saying for some people itcany be saved but when they behave like this it's just not worth the energy.

I have an amazing life now, I'm glad it happened.

You will get such good support here.

SandyY2K · 05/03/2017 16:19

That I will be responsible for the impact on the girls

This right here is why I wouldn't even consider reconciling, if he says this.

It's an absolute refusal to accept responsibility for his behaviour and try and blame you.

Tell him the runway is as clear as can be, so he's free to be with his mistress.

Never, ever consider reconciling with a cheating spouse who blames you, in any way, shape or form, for their cheating, or the fall out of it.

I'm sorry you're in this situation. A good place for additional online support is available for survivinginfidelity.com

Unfortunately, there are thousands of men and women in your shoes, who can speak from experience.

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