Texts (or lack of)

[princeismagic]

No other worries about this relationship, but BFs attitude to texting is driving me up the wall.
Because of crazy and not very comparable working hours, we don't get to see each other as often as we'd like, so we tend to text. Just good morning, evening, how was your day type stuff, but it helps me feel connected on the days we're not together. I'd say I always make the effort to reply as soon as I can to texts - it doesn't take more than 30 seconds does it? - but BF blows hot and cold. For example, yesterday he was bombarding me with texts, but today took 8 hours to reply to the single text I sent, although not at work. This is a semi-regular thing.
Now, I'm well aware that stressing over texts makes me sound like a teenager, or over anxious, but I place a lot of value on these conversations because some days it's our only means of communication. I honestly don't have any other worries about the relationship, or think it's indicative of anything sinister, but it really upsets me when he doesn't seem to prioritise taking a few moments to message me. Should I make a fuss over this or not? RL friends say he's just being a guy, their OHs are crap at replying too, etc. He is pretty laid back and I don't think it occurs to him that this would bother me, but it does. Equally, I don't want to come across as insecure and clingy.
After he replied to me today I sent back a 'nice' message, but I really wanted to say couldn't you have flipping took 30s to reply earlier in the day. I think I need some perspective on this!

I don't reply to texts for days sometimes. I forget, reply in my head, need to charge my phone, do something more interesting. Please don't make a fuss over this.

I'm just the same. I get really bored at work and sometimes a nice text can be a real pick-me-up.

What are his work days like? Might it be that sometimes he has quite a quiet day and other times his day is just too full on to think about his phone?

Sometimes DH sends me loads of texts saying he misses me and I'm too busy to reply. And other times I'm super bored and texting him, and he's on the road and doesn't reply for ages. I guess it just depends what level of busy you both are at that time?

This is really normal these days. Have a gentle word about it if you want but you might come across as a bit annoying.

In normal interactions you have to reply to people when you're busy/grumpy/tired. Texting allows you to give the best of yourself, saving up for when you can give your full attention to someone.

If it's important then you should expect a quick reply, but if it's just chit chat to say good morning then you should let it go.

Thanks! That's the reality check that I needed. I will actively step back and try to relax about this. I think it's a side-effect of not seeing each other as often as we'd like (it's once/twice a week at the moment), that's got me way over-invested in the texting.

Try not replying to one or more of his for 8 hours and see whether he's bothered. If not, relax. If he's annoyed, that's your opening for the conversation.

Someone always has to be the first to stop responding else you'd never be able to stop. Maybe, sometimes, that person should be you.

Too much texting can piss some men off.

The guy I'm seeing is the same. At first, I used to get really annoyed and anxious about it. Now, I just think, that's his communication style. And actually, what do I get from those texts? Other than the "reassurance" he's thought of me... The answer is very little. Often, it's arbitrary conversation; How are you? How's your day going? It's not like I gain very much from it. So I've stopped worrying. What I've figured out about him is, he communicates with a purpose. He messages if he actually has something to say. Or he'll pick up the phone and call me if he just wants chit chat.

My brother is also like that - only messages with a purpose. I think sometimes we just have to try and adapt to somebody else's communication style if it's not actually a big deal.

Ps this guy I see once a week, too.

I agree, inane texting leaves me cold. Save for setting up your next date & move on

I think you need to examine why you need his texts to be reassured that you are important to him.

I disagree with the fairly dismissive responses of some pp. I think people tend to be quite snooty about texting and online communication.

If it bothers you, it bothers you. I have a boyfriend who I see infrequently, so we message a lot. Fortunately we are on the same page about level of contact and it suits us both. If he or I know we're going to be too busy or otherwise focused, we say so beforehand or a quick sorry if we didn't get the chance to forewarn.

It's OK to ask for what you need - it doesn't need to be a row, it's a negotiation. He may not realise and a simple heads up about it could solve it, rather than you deciding you're being too needy or whatever and crushing down your feelings.

I wouldn't like it if someone I was in a relationship with didn't reply to a message from me for 8 hours; and the thought of anyone seeing my attempts at contact as 'inane' would be the death knell. It's very different if you're offering a bombardment of constant messages, but this just sounds like a lack of courtesy.