If you found out something after 20 years together would it still upset you?

[Jellybellyqueen]

Found out OH had what probably amounts to an EA, with the intent of sex (denied, of course) and intended leaving me, with someone he worked with. Happened 20 years ago, though just found out details. He says it was so long ago, just forget it. I can't, because he has had plenty of other opportunities working away (and a few close female friends from work who made me a bit uncomfortable) though of course no concrete evidence. I wonder what else I haven't found. He must have been treating our relationship with contempt when packing his condoms to work away (fact), so how can I trust he is different even it's a long time ago? Now have kids and a sahm, so it would be easier to just accept, but it still bothers me. What would you think?

JellyBean How did you find out - did your OH tell you or did someonesle ?

did he tell you in that heat of an argument to wound you?

OP this must have been a dreadful shock. Can't he understand the anxiety - realising that for so long, while things looked all right on the surface, everything was teetering. I wonder if at any time in his life he has felt anything similar to any of the emotions that you now feel. Hurt and betrayal.

donkeys I don't think he has (I've known him for a long time). He seems to think if he's being honest right now (but is he?) everything else should be in the past. He doesn't seem to understand it makes me unsure of him completely, as he must have been planning to move on/have sex with someone else without any indication to me at all. How can I trust him after that? How can I trust he's not making himself feel better if he's not happy by cheating while away. He's away a lot.
My thoughts keep going round in circles, how do I forget what happened and move on?

loinnir yes, we were arguing about his honesty with something else. It reminded me of this friend of his and I asked him about his interaction with her. I knew he had fancied her and kept in touch. He revealed the extra details as he had promised to be completely honest with me. But as he then said he thought he'd told me that before so wasn't revealing anything new in his mind how do I know there's more that he doesn't want to reveal because he knows I am oblivious?
Breaking someone's trust really does a number on them. to anyone who manages to get over it and move on.

Last May I discovered messages between my DH and a work colleague. Along the lines you are talking about. He claimed they didn't have sex but there was talk of leaving me for her. The messages were from about 3 years ago.

My instant reaction was to chuck him out. I was very close to divorcing him. He persuaded me to go to marriage counselling. It helped but I am still struggling with it. He has broken my trust and it is hard to believe him now and like you say our past was a lie too.

How do you live like that though cece? I feel so paranoid when he's away, even though logically he's not getting up to anything. But he could be - I suspect him of stuff all the time now when I wouldn't have before. How does counselling make them any less of a dishonest cheat?

There were other areas of our relationship - we had communication problems. We have worked on those. Plus we got into what happened and why. I knew initially he wasn't telling me everything but during counselling more came out and I could understand what happened. I am up and down with it tbh. I am currently thinking about it a lot but at other times it doesn't seem so bad. I will just have to say how it goes. For me it is early days. Obviously for him it was old news so initially he didn't think it was that big a deal. Part of the counselling was for me to state my boundaries for the future.

I hope he can stick to those boundaries. I see on here so many times that once a cheat always a cheat. It makes sense, once they get away with it/the dust settles why wouldn't they do it again and hide it better this time?
I'm not so sure he'd tell the truth in counselling, given what he's said to me, so I can't see us moving on, tbh.

So in asking about the counselling thing you tripped him up? Am I reading that right?
He cheated and then tried to gaslight you into thinking that he told you at the time as if you would forget that. Sorry but he sounds as dodgy as fuck. Just the missing condom would do it for me. It would be the end. All the rest and his adhering to the script - nah !

Yeah I'm an idiot, should have gone at the condom incident, was young(ish) with no other support...
Tripped him up with which bit? We were talking about going to counselling, expensive and difficult to arrange with kids etc, so I asked if he'd admit stuff in counselling if he hadn't already told me. When he said he didn't know I took that to mean he wouldn't admit to anything he'd done, so the whole thing would be skewed towards me learning to deal with my distrust, which I feel is actually validated by his behaviour and that comment. Hence I feel it would be a waste of time. Not sure if this is how it would play out, never having been, but I don't see why I should get 'blamed' for a situation he has created. If that makes any sense...

Aaah right, I thought you meant that he said he might admit to stuff in counselling that he hasn't already admitted to. Sort of as if he were under oath as it were. All the same pretty dodgy behaviour. I would be snooping like Snoop Dog from Snoopville but I'm like that. Good luck.

Nope. Get the impression he wouldn't admit. If he would, I'd be booking the appt right now.
Bit late for snooping now, though did find some recent porn ( he had told me years ago he wouldn't look again), deleted emails from an account I hadn't realised he had, and a dating site he'd looked at. But he had incognito browsing and work email, since I'd never know nowadays.

Jelly I know you know this but you know all you need to know don't you. I can't speak for you obviously but if it's opinions you are after, the time passed makes it worse not better. He conveniently doesn't see it that way but of you told him that two years after you were married you had an EA and considered leaving him and you can't understand why he can't remember as you made it plain at the time blah blah, he would go nuclear I suspect. He has gaslighted and minimised the fuck out of this to get his comfort zone back only. His reactions show it's not because he loves you as he is apparently treating you like an idiot. I don't mean to sound harsh. I would get advice and leave. If he ever asked why, I would tell him he underestimated you all along. This would eat me alive as he has re-written your history for you without a bye or leave and I would not tolerate that. As I have got older I am less tolerant and have lost a few bullshitters along the way but I am happier for it. I know where I stand with those around me and that is worth bloody millions.

if you told him

I know, I really can't sort it all out in my head. So much time has passed and he says he is a different person now, but does that mean he can be trusted now?

Had a convo by text today (he's working away and I really didn't want to speak), in which the reasoning/explanation was that:

1. wrt taking a condom away, he was young and stupid, and thought he wanted to shag someone else (although he said he didn't in the end), even though at the time I was not aware we had a problem'

2. wrt looking around for someone to go out with, with a view to leaving, he was under a lot of stress from me (because he was away all the time) and work, and we had no permanent ties ie house, kids, marriage back then'

3. he's older and wiser now, and we do have permanent ties (house, kids, marriage.

So does that mean I've weathered all the immature, disrespectful shit and can trust he's committed to being a faithful partner now? It feels like he's basically said he's committed because of house, kids, marriage etc though. He has said he loves me and is glad he stayed with me, but I kind of feel like he's used me as a fall-back, he got his cheating out of his system and now he's fat and bald he's unlikely to go to the trouble (or have the same opportunities?) again, so will stay with the useful set up he has here.

No matter how many times he says he loves me now I just can't reconcile it with someone who is willing to cheat because they fancied it, and leave because life was stressful. Even if he didn't do these things and thought better at the last minute, he was still pretty committed to these actions to get to the point he did. And that's only the stuff I found.

It sounds like he stayed with you because he didn't get a better offer.
Sorry

Yes, it totally does.

What do YOU want Jelly? I don't see that you owe him any loyalty so do you fancy a new life away from him, footloose and fancy free? If so do it, is my advice. Get divorced and enjoy life instead of this life of never knowing and him never doing you the favour of being totally honest. I know it's a cliche but life is short.

I just want him to be honest! And not to be constantly paranoid. Not that much to ask, you'd think.
(As to divorcing, I'd still have the kids practically full time due to his job, on half the money, ha ha. None of this every other weekend free malarky some ppl manage!)

The older i get, the more i see that "love" is about actions not feelings. You can't see someone else's feelings (which is convenient for your dh).
I think you should disengage emotionally; do what makes you happy, do not feel obligated to do anything & don't allow yourself to be threatened by the consequences of no longer giving a shit about your dh's 'needs'
Then you can see what happens & what you want to do long term.