Unhappy

[Sarah2023]

Hi everyone, I not sure where to start really. my husband and I have been having problems for a long time but it's now coming to the point where I can not deal with it anymore but we have two kids who love there daddy so much I struggling to decide what to do for the best.

I have always felt more like a mum to him not his wife having to get him up every morning like a teenager etc. It has always been he's way or no way, and nothing is ever his fault it's always someone else to blame. If he's in a mood or something os bothering him he will just shut down and ignore me leaving me constantly questions myself if I have done something wrong and then when he come out of it he make out like it me ignoring him all this time and I have a problem.

There is way more but I could go on for ever and I don't won't to bother you to much i should also say that I have brought up going counseling numerous time and he refuses.

It sounds like he is emotionally abusive and possibly has narcissistic tendencies in relation to the silent treatment, avoidance of responsibilities and blame shifting you've briefly mentioned. Have a read up about that personality type. If you can relate to the red flags then it is likely. Unfortunately for you narcs don't change, they may pretend to and show willing occasionally but at the end of the day they really only think of themselves and what they want and need. Even though your children love their Dad it is not health for them to witness him acting like a child and treating their mum badly. If you are unhappy you don't need anyone else's permission to leave. It would be better for your children to see you happy and have a quiet home rather one full of tension. It's not easy to walk away but emotional abuse is just as difficult to live with as physical abuse and no one can see what they are doing to you because it is always done behind closed doors.

Thank you so much for replying. i never really though of it as abuse before all I want is for my kids to be happy, for me to be happy and not to feel like I am walking on eggshells to feel loved

Your kids can love their dad and their time with him just as much if you seperate and share parenting.

You need to do what is right for you and you'd not want them to grow up seeing it's normal to subjugate yourself to another at the cost of your own rights and happiness.

The eggshells feeling is a really common one for people subjected to long term emotional abuse. You try to avoid anything that can trigger unreasonable behaviour so you start doing more and more for them and expecting less and less from them and they're still never happy. You basically lose yourself! It is not easy to leave without something major happening but you only get one life and if you are anything like I was you're not living yours you are a bit part player in his and just there to make things easy for him! I wanted to leave but thought it would be better for my DC to stay, I now know that it would have been better for them if I'd left years ago rather than stayed and let them see him treating me badly and eventually treating them poorly too.

So you have been though the same thing redastherose? I'm just scared to leave, I asked him to leave once but we live on an island and he said he would leave because everyone would think it's his fault and blame him and he won't deal with that and then not see the kids and I'm worried he will do that. I think his ego would make him run and not face any of it.

He is threatening you by saying that he wont see the kids. Like pp says, you only get one life. I have been walking on eggshells for the best part of 20 years and only recently have made the break. I won't lie, it has been horrendous, but no more really than living with him. Do look up and see whether you can identify with any of the red flags, it sounds like he is abusive/narcissistic.

Yes I've been through this, it's not nice. But he doesn't get to call all the shots, if you want to separate then get advice on how you stand legally about house and finances and make a plan. If he won't leave the house then you will have to, if he is using his kids as bargaining chips then you know he's being manipulative. You can't stay in a relationship just to stop him walking away from his kids. If he would do that then he may do it anyway but that's his problem not yours what he has said amounts to blackmail! Stay with me or I'll hurt the kids by abandoning them!

I think when there are kids you have to make more effort to make a relationship work than if you are single. However, there are limits. Being miserable for a large chunk of your life, for the sake of the kids, is beyond those limits IMHO. Ask yourself this. Woul you have wanted your mother to endure years in a miserable relationship for your sake? When your kids are grown up do you think they will say thanks mum it was worth it you being miserable all these years? Do you think the kids will not pick up on your unhappiness and be affected by it themselves?

If you do seperate, his relationship with them is down to him. If he lets them down, that will be his doing, not yours.