What do you think ?

[kateshair]

Am looking for a bit of advice .
I've been seeing a guy for a year and a half.
He has two kids with ex.
All very amicable but I found out that last week he went out to a show with her and the children.
He lied to me saying he was elsewhere.
He says there is nothing going on and is doing this to create a sense of normality for them all.
What do you all think ?

Hang on
You don't want him seeing his ex wife. You don't think he has feelings for her but you still get upset when he sees her. He wants to do something nice for his kids and lies to you as he knows you wouldn't like it. Sorry, it's not actually him in the wrong here.

Kateshair I am with someone who has an ex and a child. I have no problem with the occasional family day and him seeing is ex regularly. This sets a good example to his son and my daughter that we can all co-parent effectively.

Longer term I hope we can build up to all being at the same family events etc

The problem was he lied. Ask yourself why.

Iwas was overly harsh but does have a point, really. It might be that you just aren't really the right fit for someone with DC from a previous relationship/marriage if you find it very difficult. Because it won't change. It will be a recurring issue. Just look at some of the numerous threads on here. If anything, it often gets worse especially once you have your own DC if that is something you are hoping for in the future.

If you don't think that he is cheating on you or that there is anything else going on, why do you have an issue with him seeing her? From your responses it sounds as though he was aware that you would be angry/upset if he saw her, and that this would create an issue in your relationship or stop him from going. I think it's great that he is able to have a civil relationship with her, and wonderful for his children to be able to spend time with their parents together. I would have thought this would also make for a much more peaceful life for you than him at war with his ex. It's not ideal that he lied, but I can understand why he chose to do that if you were going to make it difficult for him to do something that was in the best interest of his children.

My BF is still married to his wife (divorce almost final) and they have DC

I will list you the things he does with ex wife;

Speak on the phone regularly
Text regularly
Go for dinner together with kids
Discuss their lives
Hang out at family functions
Go to school events together

I knew all of this when I met him and I had the choice to walk away and find a man with none of this or admire their amicability and hope to be included one day in the future. I've met her once, very briefly.

If I felt I didn't trust him then I would say so and we would have to deal with that. You did know this when you met him you can't decide to change it now. One day you could be part of it but not if you have these feelings of dislike and distrust and jealousy,

He should not have lied full stop. Surely there isn't much trust here and you both want different things?

You've made it a thing so he lied. Had you not he probably wouldnt. Dating a man with family commitments takes a special kind of woman and few are truly up to it.

You are being a bit confusing. You say you think that he's not having an affair or wants to but you're obviously not happy with it. Why?

My ex and I do things with the kids occasionally, the odd brew, school events, occasional meals out and text often etc. It's what happens after a split and everything is amicable. I really think you should be appreciative of this. Much better than agro between the pair of them, because that would possibly put a stain on your relationship.

Hi yes food for thought from you all.
Not really sure what will happen with us now. He's sorry for the lie. Says he wants to carry on but I feel a bit like I am pushing him.
Am gently backing away as if he is serious he will show me.
But I have said I'm ok with him doing things with them

I think this is salvageable however, it'll take work from both sides.

He needs to just tell the truth, he's doing nothing wrong & you just need to ensure you give them as much time together as a family.

Do you know why he lied? Was he being spineless because he was expecting an irrational reaction if he told the truth?

My DP has 2 DCs.

He still spends time with them and their Mum on his own.
They text about the kids everyday, she sends him pictures of things they have been doing etc.
But I'm also included in other things too. We all spent Christmas morning together, I go out with the DCs and their mum without DP.

Do you see the DCs? I know when I met my DP I felt like he had 2 lives, 1 with me and 1 with his family. But we didn't want to introduce the kids to me too soon and even when we did, it was gradual. Now we are all involved in each others lives and it works great.

It's healthy having an amicable relationship with your ex-partner including going to movies as a family, having dinner and sharing information. Families where is no communication because of new partners feeling jealous aren't healthy for the kids or their parents (domestic violence excluded here). Lying isn't good but if he knows you don't like him spending time building a long term relationship with his ex involving co-parenting then it's not surprising he lied.

If you don't think he's cheating but don't like him spending time with his ex with the children, then you need to step back from this relationship because the children deserve to be co-parented by adults who put them first. Stopping your partner from hanging out his kids DD and their mother is selfish. Children aren't stupid. They will realise very quickly if he takes a step back from their lives because of your insecurities. And that's not fair to anyone..

Well I don't think he needs to go to a show with his EX WIFE, and I'd not like it either; why would he? Unless it was a one off, I could accept that, but if he's having regular days out with his wife then no, not acceptable and not necessary for the kids either; they are not a couple anymore.

The fact he lied to you is what would get to me; I don't think he's cheating with her either.

Update for all that are interested.
Think I did blow up a bit and the points a lot of you made were useful.
He says there's nothing there, with her !. They are the divorced. She has a new man as far as I am aware.
They have been divorced for three years now.
But they get on okay. They don't dislike each other. Why should they I guess ?
So I will carry on with caution as theses boards are full of awful tales in a daily basis.
Time really will tell.
But to i was just about to say that
Your comments were awful ! .
You totally judged me negatively at a time when I was genuinely low.
I can only think you are a bitter woman for one reason or another.
Low blow !