I don't know what the hell I'm doing

[Leamum78]

I've been with my husband 20 years and married for 6 and we have 5 kids, but for 14 years I've been having an affair with a much older single man - I'm 39 he is 62. I stopped it for 6 years when hubby and I got married but last August I found out hubby cheated on me and we separated. We got back together again for a while but I'm no longer in love with him so I'm in the process of moving out and separating. Anyway when we seperated I got back together with the older man and we are seeing each other once or twice a week. He tells me all the time he loves me and I love him but I'm son scared to get in a proper relationship as I don't know where it's going and I don't want to get hurt again. There also is the age thing although that doesn't bother me but I just don't know what to do and whether I can trust him not to hurt me

Its not up to your husband or you.

The kids have a right to know. It will probably come out at some point which will be way worse for the kids.

You say you dont want to mess up their lives anymore? What will happen when they find out?

Think about the impact on them. Not you, not your husband and not the OM.

Has you OM supported the kids he has with you? Not in the future.....in the past.

And you have onky been married for 6 years. What has made you grow up between then and now.

You had already been sleeping with the OM for over a decade.

No he hasn't supported them my choice not his. When I was 17 I was raped, never told anyone until 3 years ago - I met om 3 months after i met hubby, he was hubby'so friend and hubby brought me to his house for a threesome which was my choice but hubby couldnt go through with it. I was sleeping around a lot to try and get some control back in my life after being attacked, I hated men tbh but needed to feel wanted at same time. Hubby has always just let me do what I wanted which I hated, all he ever had to do was say stop and I would have. Om and I continued seeing each other was just meant to be sex but I feel for him and he said he fell for me too, we both had went through bad relationships and we just click. When do and I married I thought he loved me and I had everything I ever wanted a marriage, kids and a home with someone who loved me, the fact I didn't love him didn't matter, so I stopped it with om. Then in August I found out Dhabi had been texting and meeting this girl from a year before we were married and according to her had been seeing her all the way through our marriage, even met her family. I was so angry I would never cheat when married so for him to do that was ultimate betrayal I couldn't ever forgive him, I tried but can't - I went back to om as revenge at first, but our relationship now is so much stronger he loves me and I love him and we both want to be together

I am sorry you were raped.

I am sorry your dh convinced you to have a threesome when you were vulnerable.

However you have to face rhe consequences of your choices.

A decent man would not step back and let another man raise his children as his own.

You dont get ti retain the motal high ground because your dh cheated when married. You had 2 children by someone else. Just because he did it when you had rings on doesnt make it worse.

You clearly need some help to deal with your past. But do not make your children victims of your poor choices.

You need some time away from both men. The whole relationship between all of you is toxic.

Oh, that does explain your situation a bit better- not really any innocent victims (apart from your children) in this one, just some rather confused adults.

I still say set up home on your own, enjoy having that control over all areas of your life. You might feel better with neither of them.
I don't think I'd get with OM because I think he has used you when you were vulnerable.

Your DCs situation is completely different. You are going to have to prepare the ground for them finding out at some point.

As you cannot forgive your DH, despite your 14 year affair, the best thing is to get divorced and live with your DC.

Try being on your own for a while and if you still wish to continue a relationship with the OM, then do so once your marriage is over and everyone knows it's over. I don't necessarily mean you have to wait for the decree absolute to come through.

It would be best not to live with him either. Your DC shouldn't be introduced to him, until you're further along in an open relationship.

Does your DH know you had an affair for 14 years?

I don't even know what to say regarding the paternity issue. Your DC are half siblings and have no idea. That's something that may well be useful for them to know from a medical perspective.

On the basis you dont love your husband and never have its irrelevant whether you forgive him really. He probably knows you dont hence the affair which might well be one of many.

Best thing is to go your own ways.
BUT.... when you get divorced will your husband agree to pay maintenance for 2 children who arnt his??? You will need to have a long hard think about what will happen re your children.

So your now hubby, then boyfriend took you at age 18 to have a threesome with a 42 year old friend? How old was your husband?

That strikes me as exploitation verging on abuse.

18 is barely an adult (young people are still going to school in uniforms at 18 and we all know now how adult we weren't at that age) and your relationship with your husband was such that instead of being able to open up to him about being raped the year before; he just seemed to be taking advantage of your promiscuity (which was the result of you trying to feel in control after being raped).

And the then 42 year old man - happily having an 18 yr old girl brought to his for a threesome. Honestly your husband sounded more like a pimp than a bf at that time, and the two of them sound like sexual predators/exploiters to me.(And older man's was happy to shag you, and impregnate for years while you were with to your husband).
Then you find out your husband was seeing and shagging at least one other person for years too.... aren't they just paragons of integrity and decency. And they've done a good job at getting you to join their club.

I'm not convinced either of them is decent/normal; no wonder older man's 1st marriage broken down ... I'm wondering whether the best thing for you to do is to get the fk away from all of them and maybe find a decent person to have a relationship with in future.

Oh and older man should pay for the kids that are his. Telling them about their paternity ... i don;t have a clue if or when that should happen

I was pretty clear about what I wanted that night, I fancied the om right from the start and made that pretty clear, dh just went along with it. You are making it out to be very sordid when it's nothing like that at all.

Hubby was 25 at the time when I was 18

ALL of this is sordid

Poor kids mixed up with you bunch of sexually incontinent twats

Gosh this is actually really sad. What a long convoluted mess.

I think you need time out for yourself, away from any man at present. You've not had a chance to deal with the rape and instead it's come out through your behaviour over the years.

You need to get professional help and I think your children deserve the truth.

For you

So you wanted the threesome but husband didnt? But you slept with him anyway?

You said your husband took you there. I assumed it was his idea. But are you saying you fancied OM (husbands friend) and convinced your now husband to have a threesome? He didnt go through with it so you embarked on an affair. And still stayed with the man that became your dh?

It is sordid. I just can't work out how much responsibility your husband holds for all this.

Thank you Pollythedolly I think u are right I do need help

Yes you do need help. You also need time on your own,not in a relationship,to decide who you really are and what you really want. It's all fucked up in many many ways.