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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Do I believe him? Do you?

72 replies

Cinelove · 04/03/2017 02:21

Hi guys,

I've namechanhed as this is identifying to those I've spoken to. I'm going mad trying to think and need help. I know my situation is not that bad compared to others but would hate to miss the warning signs and then have one of those awful stories in 10 years time.

Backstory;
At the start of our relationship my bf was messaging his ex. I saw the messages later and we had a massive row - I forgave him because it had been at the start of our relationship.
He's a jealous guy, especially if my ex whom I remained friends with - this has improved a lot and we rarely argue about this now.
More recently, I admitted to me that he had been flirting with another woman in a forum and when she found out about me (via social media) she threatened (apparently in a joking manner) to tell me. He decided to tell me so the story wouldn't be exaggerated and he maintains it was harmless 'banter'. After a row I forgave him because I believed it was just banter.
Today;
Events led to me having his phone and I noticed that (hidden away) he had two apps (both known for hooking up). Both his profiles had him listed as single and looking for women. I could almost forgive this or believe his excuse of "I was bored and wanted to check it out, but the fact that he messaged women on those sites bothers me. He claims he had no intention of taking it further. I'll never know.
I also found that he had continued talking to the ex who we had a row about earlier on (and he had deleted her number and sworn not to talk to her).
He maintains all the above happened because he was bored and was checking new things out and meant nothing. Says he's sorry and he loves me. I want to believe it but I don't. Do you ?

I can only imagine how many typos are here ; I apologise. I'm also sorry for the length.

OP posts:

Report

Cinelove · 04/03/2017 07:10

Thankyou for the replies !

About our exes ; there would have been no issue but the problem with his ex is that their messages were reminiscing about their relationship and at one point he asked her to send a nude (jokingly, apparently).

Tbh I know what everyone has said. I almost knew it before typing but needed to read it, if that makes sense. Sounds crazy but everything else is perfect. But I'd never be able to move past this. Just don't know how to forget about the good times.

Thankyou for the replies everyone

OP posts:

AllTheLight · 04/03/2017 07:14

The bit with the ex might be just about forgivable. Two live apps for hooking up - not acceptable AT ALL.

PaterPower · 04/03/2017 07:15

Oh yeah, it's perfectly normal to text exes and jokingly ask for nude snaps. He's taking the chronic piss out of you OP.

Eminado · 04/03/2017 07:18

he asked her to send a nude (jokingly, apparently).

Omg!
Do u have dick pics from other men on your phone? Do you ask for them? No, I didnt think so.

Come off it - this guy is treating you like you are stupid. And you are not. Dont accept this.

Chinnygirl · 04/03/2017 07:21

I once downloaded an app out of curiosity. I didnt use a photo, I didnt make a profile, I didn't message anyone, just browsed, I deleted it after an hour and DP was sitting next to me the whole time ann I had told him in advance what I was going to do (looking at tv ad "ooooh Im curious let's see it".

If you are really serious about someone then you do not take chances. Leave him, he Can't be trusted.

ChippyDucks · 04/03/2017 07:29

The fact that he's messaged women 'bothers you'? Get yourself together and throw him out. You need to harness your self respect, because he certainly does not respect you. In the slightest.

Shayelle · 04/03/2017 07:30

Urgh. He sounds like a massive creep. Nasty.

InTheMoodForLove · 04/03/2017 07:32

you say "everything is perfect" (apart from him taking the piss) but you mention "having a row" 3 times and he is constantly "bored"
even without the lies that doesn't sound good does it?

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 04/03/2017 07:32

Blimey, he certainly 'jokes' a lot doesn't he? you'd be a complete fool to believe a word he says.

SummerHouse · 04/03/2017 07:35

I am a benefit of doubt, liberal, positive, trusting, gullible person in general. I have never said this before but I think you need to LTB.

sorry op. You are better than him.

BeMorePanda · 04/03/2017 07:41

Dump and run op.
He is not the man you want him to be.

Wingsofdesire · 04/03/2017 07:47

It will get worse.

You probably don't even know the half of it.

Of course you can't believe him - he's already shown he does what he wants and if it's not what you would like, he hides it from you.

You can believe he loves you, but you can't believe that he isn't engaging in sexual conversation with others, because he clearly is. And, unfortunately, you can't believe he hasn't done or wouldn't do anything with any of them, because you have no evidence of that apart from his 'word', which you know you can't trust.

Sometimes these guys just talk and it goes no further. But what if he meets a like-minded OW one day, who he really really fancies? You'll be destroyed. Because he will definitely go for it.

Cinelove · 04/03/2017 07:50

You are all right and I know it.

Thankyou for the all the comments, really needed to hear it and can come read them when I start doubting myself. Thankyou !

OP posts:

SummerHouse · 04/03/2017 08:33

We are with you cinelove

You can do this.

Keep each and every thing he has done at the front of your mind. Do not grieve for this man.

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 04/03/2017 08:46

You're doing the right thing, love.

Trustyourself2 · 04/03/2017 08:48

He's being deceitful and that's something no one should be subjected to by their DP. I think it'll only get worse over time.

Hermonie2016 · 04/03/2017 08:50

Even if his excuse is valid, such as when he's bored he searches put for other women would you really want to be with a man who doesn't this?

He may feel he loves you but it's not love that is based on respect and will only get worse.
Just be glad you found out.Unless he's very young he seems to have a major flaw in his personality as not able to resist getting adoration from other women.It's his issue, nothing to do with you.

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 · 04/03/2017 08:52

Just leave him. If younhave a browse toull find a lotnof womennsay their husband is vey jealous, very angry about people cheating do could never cheat. Classic cheaters. Or thise who are joking. Classic liars.

Lesley1980 · 04/03/2017 08:58

He has told you he is bored & signed up to hook up sites to check out what other options he has. He flirts with other women online & tells you about it. He lies about talking to his ex. What does he need to do to make you dump him?

TurnipCake · 04/03/2017 09:03

You've done a lot of forgiving so far from your OP

What next?

"I forgave him because it was only a kiss and he was honest with me"
"I forgave him because he really did need somewhere to park his penis for the night"

You know what to do

TheGirlWhoWasntThere · 04/03/2017 09:32

This man is absolutely pathetic, incredibly selfish, a massive liar and a complete shit.

How dare he think that messaging other women when he is in a relationship with you is ok. How dare he gaslight you and mess with your head. How dare he make you question his actions, which are NOT normal in a loving relationship.

Oh poor him, he is bored/ insecure/ a massive arsehole, etc. What about how his actions are affecting you and your well-being?

You deserve to be with someone who adores you, is honest, loving, loyal and only wants the best for you.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Sadly if you stay with this man it will only affect your self-esteem, confidence and mental health. Every time he is on his phone or he gets a text message you will wonder if it is another woman. You will become anxious and paranoid. It will mess with your head, make you incredibly unhappy and will end up being all you think about.

I say this as I know women who have been through this, I have gone through this and there are many, many women on this forum who have experienced this. There is never an acceptable reason why he is doing this. Good people don't ever do this to another person. They just don't.

Be kind to yourself. You are worth so much more than this.

WelliesAndPyjamas · 04/03/2017 09:47

What a twat. Be brave, be dignified, and walk away to a happier future.

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Cinelove · 04/03/2017 10:12

"I forgave him because he really did need somewhere to park his penis for the night" Haha Thankyou for this - I needed a laugh

I can't thank everyone individually but I really appreciate the support. I guess what hurts more is watching everything we had planned go up in smoke. I know it's not my fault but it hurts. Thankyou again

OP posts:

HarmlessChap · 04/03/2017 10:14

This is a classic situation where the guy isn't into monogamy but realises that his partner is so lies to cover up his true nature.

One woman will never be enough for this man, so unless you're happy with a polygamous relationship he needs to go.

Ohb0llocks · 04/03/2017 10:15

Fuck that shit. Leave the lying bastard

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