Feeling so anxious about seeing parents that you stop

[Dineoutone]

I'm 30 and recently have looked back on my childhood and started to see it for what I think it really was. I was always under the impression I had a good childhood - went to an expensive school that my parents reference frequently as I've got older about the sacrifice they made for it, I had every opportunity under the sun (dance lessons, horse riding, whatever I wanted really). My parents were always present in the sense that they never missed a sports day at school and always checked how I was doing at school and made sure I had everything I needed.

However, as I've got older, I've noticed how emotionally unavailable my parents are. I can't talk to my mum about anything, without feeling like she's speaking to me as if I'm a child. What's odd too is that I actually think I behave more child like around them. I don't know how to be an adult properly in their company as I don't feel free to express myself. I never have. What I always craved as a child was for my mum in particular to listen properly, and be willing to give me time. A good example of this was if i ever wanted to talk to her about anything, it would be fitted in among other things. Mum would always watch emmerdale, for instance, and as soon as it was time for that to start, any conversation we could were having would be cut short and she'd be desperate for me to snap out of whatever was upsetting or worrying me, and to join her downstairs with my dad. If I didn't want to, she'd go anyway. This sort of thing has continued ever since, to the point where I don't bother to share anything much with my parents except general basic generic stuff. The other week I had had a horrible day at work and was reluctant to tell my mum over the phone, and she asked a few questions and I just burst into tears... ten minutes later she wanted to get off the phone because Corrie had started!! I can see the funny side but it also makes me feel so sad. I'm sure she wouldn't do that to a friend.

I've also started thinking more about how my dad would drag me upstairs by my hair if I didn't go up to bed or was shouting and screaming (usually because I was very anxious about school). Even as an adult they will mention this and say I was hard to bring up. Now I am at the age I am, I am quite astonished that they think that is a good reason to have literally pulled clumps of hair from a 7 year olds head. Why didn't they sit sis with me and talk and have patience?

I suppose I'm posting because I have reached a point where I don't feel particularly interested in even seeing my parents much. They make me feel sad more often than not. Although we do have some nice times now and then where I genuinely enjoy their company. It's as if all this stuff has suddenly come to the forefront of my mind, when in my early twenties I barely thought of it. It makes me feel a bit sick now though. They're not at all bad people but I'm struggling with a proper relationship with them.

They sound very controlling OP.

I've always tried very hard to have a great relationship with my parents, but not to much avail - I've given up mostly. I still speak to my mum a couple of times a week but she's never really interested in anything, or able to be positive about anything - she tends to just try and tell me what to do...

It's made me realise I never want my own children to feel like this, and I will do everything possible to ensure of a different 'family life' to the one I had. To me, that means being able to talk, spending time together, doing things as a family , eating together but also giving each other space.

I think what someone posted earlier up thread about only keeping a distant relationship with them, and not an emotional one is a way forward. I would never however recommend cutting off contact at all though - as my dad tells me, you don't realise how much you miss them, regardless of their faults, until they are gone.

Yorkshire,

re your comment:-
"I would never however recommend cutting off contact at all though - as my dad tells me, you don't realise how much you miss them, regardless of their faults, until they are gone".

You cannot apply this to everyone's situation though. Sometimes self preservation is necessary and no contact is often not done without a great deal of soul searching and emotional turmoil beforehand, it is hard to go no contact. And what your dad tells you does not make it ok at all.

In your dad's case has he simply enabled your mother to behave as she does?. Has he failed to protect you from your mother's excesses of behaviour?. Why is he saying this to you exactly?. Saying that to you is a rabbit hole I would not venture down either. People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles; what is his role here?. Bystander?. And yours?.

I would never however recommend cutting off contact at all though - as my dad tells me, you don't realise how much you miss them, regardless of their faults, until they are gone.

Cutting all contact with my parents has been a lifesaver for me. They were horribly abusive, and I am so much better off without them.

I agree that cutting all contact is absolutely the right choice for some people and is often the last resort after years or decades of exploring every other option. It's not for everyone, it's not a choice I can see myself making, but it is absolutely a legitimate option. The 'you'll miss them when they're gone' line suggests that all parents are good eggs deep down really which is dangerous thinking, and only serves to undermine the resolve of people who are trying very hard to hold onto their independence and sanity

Yes, but that is MY personal view about never cutting off contact - obviously except in extreme cases.

This is coming from personal experience.

When I refer to my dad, he is actually my step dad, but he will always be known as my dad as he has been my dad for over 20 years.

My real dad hasn't been in my life for over 25 years, and I still to this day wish there was some level of contact. Even just a card at Christmas. Despite his faults he is still my real dad, my son is still his grandson. I'd like to know he's at least still alive.

But that is just my experience and my own personal view. We are all entitled to our own personal viewpoint, and I wouldn't expect everyone to agree her.

The beauty of a platform such as mumsnet is that we can all put across our own views and experience, to try and help someone in need.

Sounds like Disneyland parents wanting a Disneyland child. Its been said OP by other posters. Try and get some counselling. As previous poster says try BACP. It might not cost as much as you think.

Yes, but that is MY personal view about never cutting off contact - obviously except in extreme cases.
And who decides whats extreme - and when exactly do they do that? - Its certainly a meeting I missed !
Unfortunately in saying you think some cases are valid you also inversely say some aren't, thus setting some kind of bar to be passed, yet I'm sure you know that there really isn't one.

I afraid you really have no right to say that there are different levels of abuse and that some are acceptable and should be tolerated by the victim, in order that they should maintain a relationship with the abuser.
This is abuse - this is not "a little bit slack" parenting.
The correct level of abuse people should tolerate is zero.

If you are genuinely going to to try and help someone in need. how are you doing that?
Suggesting that they should doubt themselves. They should try to second guess and validate themselves against some arbitrary level of social acceptable extremeness that they don't know. Should they sacrifice their current self and wellbeing against the possibility that their future (inevitably much further damaged) self will have some regrets when said abuser dies? Can you not see the flaws in that way of thinking?

I am really sorry for your personal experiences , but like Attilla intimated earlier - I think you really need to look at the voices that are informing your thinking and question who they belong to and their validity to you.