I'm ashamed of my Dad.

[amyjade]

My parents divorced about 13 years ago since then i have beome totally ashamed of my dad. He has a serious drink problem which he won't admit too , the drink and jealousy is what split my parents up in the first place.
Dad is unemployed and lives alone in a flat spending most days in the pub.
The last time i saw him was in January 06 when Dd2 was 8 months. On her first birthday he forgot to send a card, the same at christmas. He hasen't even seen Ds!!
When he's had a drink he is so embarrassing, he talks really load and makes comments to every person who walks past.
In four months i am getting married and i'm so scared he is going to show himself up on my wedding day !!
I am reluctantly having him walk me down the isle as i feel i have to.
I hate the person he has become and i hate feeling nervous about my wedding day and what he may do?

He gets really defensive when you try and talk to him about his problem and just says i'm nagging him like my mother.

What can i do?

Why don't you and your boyfriend walk down the aisle together?

The reception will be difficult though. I suppose all you can do is arrange for relatives on either side of him to be ready to get him out if things get out of hand. It is a real shame. I can imagine how distressing it is for you. Really hope he doesn't turn up drunk or get drunk at the reception

that's a great idea, walking down together. If i ever get a next time i might do that, its like 'we're inthis together'.

Yet, it is your day, not your dads, altho I know how u must be feeling that it's a tradition etc...but if you really dont think he will be able to do that, eg maybe he might even have a few for nerves, and you are owrried, then maybe you should consider syaing, dad,I am worried about it.

it is not his god given right, he should have some responsibility for himself on your wedding day.

alcoholic

Sorry he's not an alcoholic but i'm worried he might turn into one.
The problem is he has no self confidence which is why he drinks.
I have left my brother in charge of him on my wedding day so hopefully he can stop him from drinking too much! It's the reception i'm worried about.
I might think about other alternatives to him walking me down the isle. the problem is i'm too soft and feel i have to do it traditional way in case i hurt his feelings.

i think you have to accept that your father's behaviour is beyond your control on the day. i would have a frank talk with your brother and arrange for him to deal with your dad, perhaps with one of his friends and just quietly sort things out without letting you know. ie. give your brother responsibility of your dad so that you can enjoy the day.

Have your brother as a back up measure, so if he gets out of hand, your brotyher can just remove him

Have you talked to the vicar? I have always found vicars to be very understanding of people's families.

He won't get out of hand he just becomes very load which embarrasses me more than anyone else i think.

Dads are such a pain in the a**. or is it just mine?

Thanks for the tips.

amyjade

What is your definition of an alcoholic?. If you imagine that it is just someone who sits on a park bench drinking every day then you're way off.

To my mind your Dad is an alcoholic. His marriage failed because of this dependency on alcohol.

Am not really surprised unfortunately to see that he has neglected both himself and his grandhcildren; their primary relationship is with drink and ABSOLUTELY (caps are deliberate here) everything and everyone else comes a distant second.

If he is unwilling or unable to accept he has a problem then you cannot help him. He has to want to help his own self here and he is not willing to. You are not ultimately responsible for him you know.

Its you day after all; if he spoils it that will be with you always. Stuff tradition here; can't your Mum, Brother or uncle walk you done the aisle instead?. What if your Dad is half cut already when he starts to walk you down the aisle?. What does your Mum think?.

I would personally not invite him to either the wedding or reception. You don't want trouble and he'll certainly cause it if he has too much access to drink.

As for this comment:-

"The problem is i'm too soft and feel i have to do it traditional way in case i hurt his feelings".

Children who come from families where alcoholism is there do have a very strong sense of responsibility towards the alcoholic parent.
I think this is why you are afraid of hurting his feelings.

my dad is not an embarrassment, but he left our family when I was 10, and I got married at 37. I didn't want to hurt either my dad or my step-dad, and dh and I walked up the aisle together. I explained it to both dads by saying that I wasn't anyone's chattel to be given away. They both seemed to accept that.

I could never not invite him as no matter what he's done he's still my dad after all and once upon a time was a fun dad to have.
It's since he's been a single block that the drinking has got out of hand maybe because he hasn't got anything else better to do but sit in a pub. All his friends live a similar lifestyle to him which doesn't help.
I will have a good chat with him before the wedding and lay down a few rules which i'm sure he will abide by if i'm stern enough with him.
Wish me luck !!

sorry if this sounds a bit blunt,i don't mean to hurt your feelings but it sounds as though this "father" of yours does not deserve the privilage of walking you down the aisle,after all he is supposed to be giving you away and it sounds to me like he did this a long time ago by the fact he has had sweet f.a to do with you and your children in a long time.i regret letting my father "give me away",circumstances were very similar but i gave in to tradition and he walked me down the aisle.this was two years ago and when i look back on my wedding day it feels like one huge lie,so much so that me and my husband plan to renew our vows abroad just us and the kids and no pathetic alcoholic father putting on his loving act for the first time in 26 years.your wedding day is one to be treasured forever,don't be pressured into something you may regret.have you thought about your brother giving you away?

My Dad was an alcoholic and i always thought i wouldnt get married because he wouldnt understand it if i said he wasnt going to walk me down the aisle or 'give me away'. He left my mum with 4 of us when i was 8 and never contributed financially. He was always a sentimental old git about us when he felt like it but often forgot birthdays etc. when we were kids. He died suddenly last summer so i'll never be able to tell him what i really thought now. I loved him but he made me so angry.
It's your wedding - you decide who will walk down the aisle with you, and do get a couple of people to stay the night with him the day before and try and keep him sober on the day. He doesnt have to know he's being 'minded'. Good luck.

I don't really have any advice. My dad was an alcoholic & I felt the same - I didn't want him there at all. I felt so strongly about this that I refused to marry whilst he was still alive - dispite the fact that it meant me having kids as an unmarried woman (something the family weren't exactly pleased about either). I do feel it was the chickens way out, although there were other confounding issues too.

He passed away last year but now i kind of feel like we don't have the time or money to get married now. Maybe the moment has gone. Nevertheless I don't regret for one minute the fact I held out on my promise to myself and refused to marry whilst he was still alive. You have to do what it takes for you to get the wedding you want I'm afraid.

I suppose my outlook on life is different since Dd1 passed away. I know he has been an a**hole but i think life is too short to hold grudges and as long as he has a few 'minders' on the day then hopefully he will be ok.(i just hate worrying about it). He was there everyday when Dd1 was ill and i know he should have been here more when she was alive just as he should with my other children but i suppose he was there when i needed him.
I just wish he would realise that he's wasting his and sort himself out. He's just one of those men who needs a woman to nag him and keep him in line iyswim.
Thanks for your advice though. x

amyjade i think your dad is an alcoholic, he has a dependence on alcohol and that makes him one, sorry.

I would ask someone else to walk you down the aisle, or do it yourself. I didnt have my father or step-father I asked a family friend who I had known since childhood and it was perfect

good luck with whatever you decide

Hi Amyjade,

I wonder whether he is going to listen to you at all bearing in mind you wrote this in your original post:-

"He gets really defensive when you try and talk to him about his problem and just says I'm nagging him like my mother".

You rightly think he needs to sort himself out with regards to his drinking but until he reaches that realisation himself (and you need to be aware as well he may not ever reach that point) he will continue to carry on as he is doing now. No-one but him will be able to make a difference, he has to want to change for himself. If he did not listen to his ex wife he is unlikely to listen fully to what you are saying to him.

You are wise not to hold grudges but you cannot be ultimately responsible for him. Your main priorites now are your good self and your children.

I hope your wedding day is wonderful.
Why not talk with Al-anon; they help families of problem drinkers.