Recovering. Or not. Help, please. (Poss triggers).

[LostGarden]

I need some help, I feel totally lost with this. I've namechanged which I do regularly, as I need the safety of anonymity. Don't want to build up an online picture of me.

I am in the final stages of divorcing my abuser husband. We're at the settlement negotiation stage. We were married for 20 years and he was abusive in every way although I didn't recognise it for years and years. I thought it was me.

Like so many in my position I had an abusive childhood. I was neglected, physically abused, emotionally, constantly told I was unwanted and worthless. So I married quite young to a man who repeated that pattern. I divorced him with the help of the police as he was a danger to my children then all too soon remarried another abuser. He was abusive in a different way, initially charming but rapidly became hugely controlling down to my choice of underwear and makeup, violent, isolating, financially abusive. Well you name it.

So now a couple of years after he left. I have found work - a miracle as I hadn't been allowed to work and I'm surviving. But each week I realise more ways he abused me - the latest being all the many, many times I woke up to find him having sex with me. Let alone the coercion to do what he wanted in bed always. "Don't be frigid" for example when he was forcing anal sex on me. Which he just did anyway.

It's like more and more layers are unpeeled. I've also realised it has affected everything, absolutely everything. I go to work, come home and manage the minimum housework and admin. But I don't know how to be. I have had 2 lots of counselling, one very helpful the other less so. I can't afford any at the moment and question whether it would be worth the money.

My only social life is coffee with one or other of my adult children. I did a few more things in the first year but I don't really want to now. As more and more of this damage emerges from my subconscious I feel more at sea. I don't have any real friends, he put paid to that. And I don't have the headspace. I think I maybe come over as odd at work, but that might be my own thoughts. Everyone's friendly enough. Well I realised a group of 3 colleagues I used to work in a team with had been mocking me between themselves. It's a class thing mostly but unkind and ignorant.

But living this life, I feel separate from other people. Not in a good way, I'm not "special". But broken, wrong somehow. My childhood set me up for this and I faithfully followed through by choosing bad, damaged, damaging men for partners.

I don't even know what I'm asking really. I was at a sports event recently, with a family member. The man next to me was clapping and the size and strength of his hands vividly reminded me of the times my ex would hit me round the head with his open hand. He would leave cuts and bruises, I'd see stars.

I'd like not to have these triggers, not to have these emotions flood me. I want to heal, but it seems a long way off. The constant stress and fear of living with ex has gone but now this other stuff is emerging. I thought I'd feel better than this by now, not worse.
There's no road map for this journey, I'm navigating alone and I feel lost.

Iris65 yes! Being mindful of the small things. I live and work rurally and I get some peace from trying to focus on the birdsong and breeze in the treetops as I go about my work. It does help.

Because I'm a bit unsure of what my future will be, so much is up in the air with the divorce and attempting to prise my exes hands off the tight, controlling grip on my life, I can feel quite anxious about the future.

So when I can I try to focus on what's good now.

I hope it does get easier Iris, I don't want to run out of resilience.

I'm so sorry you've had such a shit time at the hands of those who were supposed to love and nurture you.

I haven't experienced nearly so much as you though my therapist has suggested I also have complex ptsd symptoms due to a cheating, controlling and manipulative stbxh.

I love that there is an air of hope in your posts. You are a survivor and it jumps out at me from your words.

I don't really have much to say that's constructive but it might be worth asking if the therapist has any concessionary space.
My counsellor is helping me tremendously and I'd eat beans on toast if I had to, to keep seeing her.
I can only really afford it long term because I pay less than her going rate.
I think my issues are complex enough that she is learning from me (if that makes sense) and that justifies lowering her rates to help me.

I'm also hopeful about my future but I'm certain I wouldn't be without having my young dc, amazing friends and her help. It's awe inspiring that you have that without the support I'm lucky enough to have.

All the very best to you Lost

LostGarden how long have you been separated? I'm sorry for everything you've been through. It sounds horrendous. I think you could cut yourself some slack because going through the divorce is going to activate the trauma and bring past bad experiences to mind. In my experience, which was much less severe than yours, I had approximately 18 months after separation where I wondered if I would ever have a thought in my head that wasn't about all the terrible things that had happened to me. It is improving. More therapy is a good idea.

To the poster who said don't do CBT and that it's only given because it's the cheapest option - trauma focused CBT is the first line NICE approved treatment for PTSD. EMDR is also NICE approved and has a very good evidence base. I would hate anyone to read this and think they were being fobbed off when they are actually being offered the recommended treatment.

I didn't realise I'd had any further replies, sorry.

underitoveritthroughit that's a very positive experience with your counsellor. I've decided I'll just have to cut back on other things as I need a life line. I've spoken to the EMDR therapist now and have an appointment next week. I got majorly cold feet the first hour or two after I'd made the appointment, I don't know why,but feel better about it now.

kittybiscuits We've been separated 2 years but I didn't serve divorce papers until just over a year ago. A week after he left a very close relative died and I couldn't deal with that and the divorce process.

For the first year he constantly called and texted, from early in the morning til late at night, often sobbing with "remorse". It was terribly distressing, I was coping with bereavement, learning a new job with many new skills to learn and blinking in the sudden sunlight of being out of the prison he'd created.

I was too afraid to go nc in case he'd kick off big time. After he got the divorce papers I did go nc. I'm wondering if that space from his manipulations has allowed all these feelings and thoughts to surface? It has to be an important part of healing, just have to go through it.

I have only just read your thread and PTSD just jumped out at me, be brave and go through with seeking help for it.

You've come a long way, it's a battle one day at a time

well done for leaving Op..l cannot imagine how hard that must have been...
it sounds like the relative calm in your life now, is allowing these burried feelings to come to the surface, l can see how that could be frightening and a bit disturbing.

Feel free to dismiss, but after a very traumatic time in my life the one thing that helped me to cope was a regular yoga class..the traditional slow yoga with meditation..it gave me peace when l was desperate for some, and reduced anxiety hugely.

The meditation l still do at home daily now many years later, they have helped through every difficult situation since, and allow me to calm my thoughts effortlessly.

Oh and you don't have to be sporty to start!

Good luck op, l hope you find your peace

Well done on the counselling - EMDR is recommended on here a lot so I hope it works for you.
You are doing all the right things to help you through this so just keep going.

Quick update, off to work in a minute.

I saw the therapist yesterday. It was a kind of introductory session. She asked me lots of questions and we got a feel for each other.

Apparently I scored high on the ptsd scoring thingy. I'd qualify for emdr under the NHS she said.

I'm going to stick with her though, I felt confident she knows what's she's doing.

So glad she seems good.
You do need to find a counsellor you can trust.
I hope the therapy sessions happen fast for you.
Well done and keep going.
It's not going to be easy but will help you so much in the long run.

I had an abusive childhood at the hands of multiple male abusers I then fell in to the hands of an abuser in my first real relationship. You do have PTSD but you may very well have other co morbid diagnosis as well.

Do not date anyone until you have had further treatment. I'm now in a long term marriage with someone who I dont really love like you should but who treats me incredibly well and has plenty of money to pay for private treatment when needed.

I was given CBT, I ended up under the crisis team and almost hospitalised again as an outcome. I think CBT does have a place for many people but complex trauma at the hands of multiple abusers that is long term psychotherapy.

Thanks for the encouragement hellsbells. We will be starting the actual EMDR sessions next week.

She seemed calm, confident and experienced and her therapy room felt like a safe place. I rarely feel safe so that was soothing in itself.

Butterflies I'm so sorry to read of your experiences. I agree that CBT isn't what I need now. I also have no intention of dating anyone. I'm in no fit state to do that and it wouldn't be fair on the datee either. I don't want to make yet another disastrous life choice influenced by the build up of traumas.

Butterflies I feel that was a wholly inadequate response by me to your post. Sorry, I'm not functioning properly right now.

A woman I knew quite well had similar experiences to yours. Severe abuse from toddlerhood and a bad first relationship. She married very young to a good, kind man and now lives thousands of miles from her foo. But she has said the same as you, she doesn't love her husband "as she should", while appreciating his qualities.

While I was with my new therapist (J), we didn't do any therapeutic work but I could feel some emotions in the room that I hadn't allowed myself to feel. Like I glimpsed them. Emotional numbness is one of my symptoms.

The grief I haven't felt for my parent's death who died days after my stbxh left. The heartbreak over my stbxh leaving that I also haven't felt. But it wasn't for him, if you see what I mean, because I didn't really know him. I'd "loved" a man he'd pretended to be to hook me, when the real him is violent, a cheat, a rapist, a thief.

Am I making sense? So I feel pain ( or actually don't) over losing a man who never existed in reality. But I don't actually feel these things. They surface and vanish again in 30 seconds and I'm left knowing I feel grief, say, but not actually feeling it.

I'm more of a mess than I like to think. Feel awful today.

I don't know why I wrote "loved". I did love my stbxh. I loved him and trusted him and did my best for him.

Because if you're going to love and trust someone, a personality disordered one is the way to go.

Go on with the counselling. I had ten counsellors in nine years. I also did a lot of mindfulness.
I'm a lot better.

I did a lot of mindfulness Elephant but it's fallen by the wayside. I'll start practising it again, it did help me feel grounded, somewhat.

I'm going to continue with the counselling, I'm struggling more and more.

OP, sorry to read about your tough time. If you go to your GP they are likely to refer you to IAPT (NHS therapy). You'll be assessed initially by phone. They take measures for anxiety and depression and will investigate possible PTSD (they should do something called the IES which is a measure of traumatic thoughts and resulting behaviour. Within IAPT, if trauma is indicated you're likely to be offered trauma focussed CBT (or REBT) or EMDR. Basic CBT is really helpful for some Anxiety and depression but less so for more complex issues. You might have already gone down this road. I don't know where you're based but there is an organisation that works with people who were abused as children, as this is a specialist area - they are called Family Matters and have a few branches; worth googling. Counselling can be helpful to just talk things through and is also offered through IAPT but you could also contact your local branch of MIND as they often offer very good low cost counselling.