Not allowed to be pissed off?!

[WildBelle]

I've been with my BF for a few months and generally things have been great, I'm very keen on him. But there have now been two incidents where he has done things which have pissed me off, not through malice but more just thoughtlessness, and he accepted both times that he was in the wrong. But both times, when I've been feeling pissed off about what he did, and because I was feeling hurt/angry, acted pissed off (e.g. had a bit of a go at him and expressed my annoyance), he seemed to get annoyed back at me and just shut me down, saying it's done now, it can't be changed so move on.

Whilst I agree that dwelling on stuff and dragging it out isn't healthy, I personally see it as a natural reaction to react when someone has done something out of order, and I'm not one to drag it out but I do feel it's my right - if that's the right word - to express my annoyance and feel hurt for a short while. I see it as part of the process of dealing with what has happened. He on the other hand, doesn't see it that way and seems to think that even when I have every right to be annoyed I should just immediately put it behind me and move on.

I've never met anyone with this kind of reaction before and don't know what to make of it. In fairness my relationship history is shite so maybe he is the one in the right and I should just suck these things up, but that seems to me like an unnatural reaction. For context both times I have been annoyed it's been fairly major (IMO) things, I don't get ratty about minor little things, I can let them go straight away.

Would appreciate thoughts because I'm confused!

Oh sorry
Was so busy being shocked at the painting stuff I missed the two hours late thing
Run for the hills. Run for your liiiiiife....!

The thing with the pottery - what a berk, ruining a child's work. He didn't, wouldn't, listen.
Refusing to let you air your justifiable upset, well it's the same thing, imo. He won't 'hear' you, he won't let you have a voice, similar to the pp upthread.

Cross post
I don't have kids but we all know kids can take ages to do stuff, they're kids!

It's all quite confusing because the vast majority of the time he is really lovely, thoughtful, kind and generous, and I know that I'm not perfect!

But yes, not allowing me to have a voice is how it has felt on these few occasions.

His reaction is the same as mine would be. I hate conflict so I would admit I was wrong, apologize and minimize the uncomfortable conflict.

OP "the vast majority of the time he is really lovely, thoughtful, kind and generous"

Is he? .many token gestures are easy but the real personality shows in other ways.

I think he maybe isnt the best fit with you.

The thing with the ex and the timekeeping - if he knew he had done wrong and had accepted it and apologised and then wondered what would be achieved by you telling him what he already knew. Especially when livid. Cathartic for you perhaps but maybe not something he thinks will change anything as he knows he has done wrong.

With the wine thing you had already told him how you felt. You wanted to tell him again because? If his drinking is a problem that could be a thing to also consider when thinking about your relationship with him.

Its actually the behaviour with the child that would concern me more to be honest and that odd response. The conflict aversion/minimisation/avoidance is one thing and if you need to talk it out but it doesnt work for him then there are ways to change that for you both. The child passive aggressive maneuver I am not so sure about.

He doesn't sound great, he sounds petty and unpleasant (with the painting), maybe potential drink issues, still married to someone else but most of all it's the inability to allow you to express how you feel.

I'd definitely go slowly, perhaps not go at all!

How is he with your kids generally? I think I'd make sure I felt comfortable with him before proceeding to let him get involved in your kids' lives and if I continued to feel worried about his manner I would not continue to be involved with him.

No I agree that sometimes you can't shake things off in half an hour. I've never come across anyone who thinks that I should be able to do that so I don't

If it's helpful for you to know the thought process of someone who is like this, I am.

If I have done something wrong, I will either identify the action myself or have it drawn to my attention, I will apoligise, I will acknowledge the other persons hurt and I will make it clear that I will do better next time, then that is it.
I do not expect to spend the rest of the day/week/month what ever still apoligising or analysing what occured and I do not expect to be dealing with sulking.
Crucially I will treat the other person with the exact same respect and behave in the same way should they be the 'guilty party'.

I decide in my head if the behaviour is a deal breaker or not and if not I accept the apology and move on very quickly, I do not have my days ruined by my own reactions to stuff.

But you don't sound like you are describing someone like me who just can't be bothered with drama, you sound like you are describing someone who can express their annoyance any way they wish but not afford you the same right.

I think heisbehaviour is seriously off. Out of kilter even. Why would he not notice (?) or care that he was ruining your daughters painting?

Why would he choose to 'believe' that both you and your daughter should just let him trample on her feelings because he was enjoying ruining her artwork?

That's really messed up. He's trying to teach you that his feelings are the only valid ones in this relationship / family. People that behave so oddly in these kind of ways ring massive alarm bells with me. With stuff that sounds trivial and examples that are hard to put your finger on why exactly they are so disturbing. But they are indeed very odd and should not be ignored...

What miscellaneousaaairtment said.

Definitely think this is the thin end of the wedge and will get worse.