How can I prevent gender confusion for baby about my brother/sister

[Clumsymumsy22]

Hi

Not really sure if this is the right section to put this in.

My older brother is autistic and has had anxieties around his gender for about 5 years now. He self diagnoses off the Internet, and will only hear what he wants to hear to make it fit with a diagnosis he's decided he has. He doesn't take on board reassurances or anything to help him reduce his anxiety, and every now and then he comes up with a grand plan to prove whether or not he has something. The latest is he is determined to have an MRI done privately (nhs have said no) to prove he is intersex.

He flits from being his female persona and his male persona, but he insists that he wants to become a woman. We were all calling him by his feminine name and he was about to change it by deed poll, but around Christmas he decided that he was going to stay male and stopped it all. But now he insists that he wants to be female, and talks about having operations such as gender reassignment his Adam's apple being removed. (The inconsistency is why I am referring to the masculine domain rather than feminine). He is massively underweight, and he doesn't eat enough to maintain a healthy body weight, but he doesn't seem to be bothered to do anything about it.

Anyway, I'm heavily pregnant now and birth is imminent. I talked to him today and told him I want him to think of a gender neutral name for his relationship to baby, as I don't want her to be confused. I gave examples and suggested things like 'noo noo' or 'meemaw'. He didn't like these names and said he wants to be auntie name he has given himself

I've explained his inconsistency is confusing for us at the best of times, let alone for a baby or small child who doesn't understand the concept of gender. She will probably decide what to call him anyway.

My partner said that our priority is baby, and this might mean that she will call my brother something that he doesn't like.

I don't know how to address this, as he's adamant that he wants to be referred to as auntie, but he's not consistent with it. I'm scared this will just confuse her.

What can I do? I think I've taken a reasonable step by suggesting gender neutral names but this doesn't seem to be enough for him.

DS(22), also autistic, who was giant half-brother to DTDs(4) has become DD1, their giant half-sister. DP (DD1's stepdad, the DTDs' Dad) agonised over how to position it to them. Their older sibling has gone in the space of 3 of their most formative years from having a viking style beard to wearing Elsa dresses with them, changed name, changed from brother to sister...they are obviously completely vocal now (almost 5) and have never expressed an inkling of confusion or surprise.

I just think with little people everything is by definition new, their world constantly changing and developing, and they are so wonderfully in the moment that they just accept anything and everything as 'normal' and move on.

There's a lesson in there somewhere .

Don't worry about the gender side of things because gender is just a social construct we can accept or reject as our awareness allows.

Cricrichan Wed 01-Mar-17 21:25:44
"Kids don't care. Your child will call your brother whatever and it'll be the relationship between them that will count and not the title. "

This. It's adults who agonise over labels.

Your child will not care what your sibling identifies as unless they are taught to care. EVERYTHING is new and strange, and then familiar and ordinary. If your sibling a girl one week and a boy the next that will be normal as far as baby is concerned if you treat it that way. Your child will probably be able to come up with an entirely appropriate moniker by themselves

What maggie said. Your child will model their reaction on how you react to the circumstance.

Without influence from you, I agree that a young child won't see an issue and if they do ask, would be readily satisfied with a superficial explanation (age appropriate), and perhaps some honesty in that we may not understand everything we come across (which does not define what is right or wrong; meaning if we don't understand something does not mean it is wrong.)

What about the Spanish for aunt/uncle: Tia/Tio without adding a name to it? They're similar enough sounding that 'Tia' could easily be changed to Tio if need be

I do understand why you are thinking about this now. And why it would feel easier if your brother could settle on a gender neutral name/pronoun. But I agree with User that you don't need to worry; gender is a social construct, and your child will absorb a million messages about what it means to be a boy/girl. Having an aunt/uncle who doesn't fit into that doesn't need to be confusing for them. It sounds like you and your family have been wonderfully accepting and supportive, so I am sure your child will follow your lead.

(I know your're not using them, but Noo Noo/Mee Maw sound like family names for vagina to me....)

Thank you everyone for your comments. I feel more at ease about how she could understand the social concept of gender in her own way.

My main concern was that when I say we're going to [name she calls my brother's house] I would like her to know who that is, and I would like it to be the same name she calls him from the beginning, whether it's make or female. But if she can understand that sometimes he presents as male and sometimes female, and she has names for both, then this is ok also? So long as she knows they're the same person?

Of course that's fine. People have nicknames don't they? So the same person could be known as "Grandad", "David", and maybe another nickname you have for him. You can just tell your child that sometimes your sibling likes to be called x and sometimes they like to be called y. I'm sure your sibling won't object massively if your child mixes up the names, anyway.

My dc are bilingual so they have used two different names for their own parents from birth. Never seemed to confuse them: they were perfectly aware that "daddy" was the same person as "pappa". I'm sure you'll be fine.

Sorry, that came out wrong: I really did not mean to claim that mine are supernaturally intelligent Mumsnet babies who emerged from the womb conversing fluently. I did mean to write "we have used". Honestly.

Just remember that young children won't have know any different so for them it probably wouldn't be confusing if he was auntie and suddenly became something else.

I'd enjoy your pregnancy and new baby and re-visit the thought when your baby is approaching 1-2 years old. For now can you just use his name rather than aunty or uncle? My brother referred to by just his name and I always called my uncle just his first name.

Take this unnecessary worry off your mind for now. EVen if the situation is no different when it really matters remember children are incredibly adaptable.

X

I have tended not to use relational names with my dc. Dsis had DN when I was at uni and it felt to young to be an aunt, I have always referred to myself as shouldwe and my dc talk about dsis. Dh tends to like more formality so talks about Uncle BIL and Aunty SIL. The dc delight in talking about Aunty BIL and Uncle SIL. I wouldn't worry too much about the titles.

Isn't Noo Noo the hoover on Teletubbies?

Children grow up hearing the same person being referred to as "Mum", "Sis", "Ellie", "Lizzy", "Aunt Liz" and "Mrs Jones" and are usually left to untangle that for themselves without any explanation whatsoever ☺