I wish I could tell you

[Outedlasttimenamechangeagain]

How it feels to cry at night because you don't love me
That love shouldn't ever make you feel the way your love feels
That I wish you would chase me rather than let me go
That every day I'm without you it hurts more and I feel like I'm broken
That nights are the worst because you're not here
That you've hurt me so much I don't know how to heal
That I've had to pull over in a lay by and cry like I have never cried before twice in the last week
That I have never heard me scream or sob the way I did when I had to pull over
That losing you is the hardest thing I've ever done
That walking away is also the most important thing I've ever done
That the way you would rather go chasing after another girl and not me has almost killed me
That I love you so deeply it hurts
That when you blank me my heart breaks all over again
How no contact gets harder every day but I won't break
How I don't understand that no contact makes me feel like I'm winning
How I wish you were here to tell this to

Why do I feel you are the OW?

redandwhite? No, I was in a relationship with my ex for 3 years not the OW! I'm worried there's an ow myself although that's more a fear than anything.
He ended it after an argument we had that carried on over a few days. I tried everything to get him back, he's the love of my life but have done some reading since and have decided to do no contact to give him space and space for myself to heal.

After our last text conversation going back and forth he's blocked me from fb it hurts so much. So today is day 17 of no contact. What I do after the 30 days is up I've not decided yet. I'm just finding this so hard, even harder than when I started 2 weeks ago.

Can I also say, I am (was) step mum to his little boy and not seeing him is also crushing me. They were my world.

cantstand This is such a painful time!
Well done for getting to day 19, I'm afraid I disappeared for a while as I began to talk to him again.
I'm now on day 2 again, but feeling stronger this time although it does hurt.
You are doing so well. I'm feeling hopeful that I'll get through this, this time, so I'm with you 100%

I also wish he would contact me, this is why I caved.

I'm sorry you caved, Outed. What day did you get to and what pushed you to contact?

I got less than a week into our break up before I drove to his and confronted him and we slept together. He was so lovely afterwards but was still adamant it was over. I was heartbroken but told him ok and then we got 3 days down the line until he saw pictures of me out and deleted me from fb. I contacted him and we started the whole conversation again, the thing is every time I spoke to me it felt like hope...so next day I drove back to his and he wouldn't let me in in hindsight I know it was the wrong thing to do but I was determined to get him back.

After I went home I started no contact but he blocked me from FB and I have a sinking feeling he may of blocked my number...being in no contact I obviously don't know the answer to that. I have means of contacting him though (whatsapp, email) but I haven't caved yet and I won't not until the 30(+) days are up. I think I know if he doesn't answer me after NC then that's really it so I'm in limbo right now but it's still not for certain. This is someone who ive spoken to everyday for 3 years though, and in past arguments has always initiated contact so I feel I know the answer. It's heartbreaking, id do anything for him.

I made it to 9 days, I didn't exactly need to speak to him, but I felt like I needed to speak to him.
It didn't make me feel better, we had one good conversation and then he told me he picked the other woman up after a night out, that was it for me.
I told him I was wrong and I shouldn't have contacted him. The thing is he raised a good point which is that I always go back, so now I can't.
I will not contact him this time, not tonight, not tomorrow, not in a week or in 30 days. It hurts me too much to just talk to him, I have had to accept that this is it now, I won't contact him again and that hurts becase he won't contact me.
Are you sure you want to contact him at day 30, will that put you back to day 1? (I feel like the biggest hypocrite asking that)

Oh Outed I'm so sorry for your situation it sounds hard as anything.

My situation is admittedly I became very needy in the relationship my ex says he never felt good enough (a common theme form him I would always reassure him on) he said I needed 110% of his attention and he couldn't sustain it. When I went to see him I realised it was more than just me, he has been going through some tough family stuff etc and yes I was demanding (also supportive I feel) and I feel awful about it. I can't turn back time but in truth I never thought he'd leave me, he was, it seemed, besotted I was the love of his life etc. He's told me post break up nobody would compare he doesn't want anybody else...this makes it even harder! Is he telling the truth? Who knows?! In this time of no contact I have realised so much but knowing he won't give me the chance, it's killing me.

The reason I say 30 days is just from all the stuff I've read and researched about if you really want someone back. I know I 100% want him in my life, I let my own issues ruin my relationship with someone who loved and treated me well. So I just have to try this 30 day NC and then slow contact.

Admittedly, during NC yoire supoosed to work on your happiness and believe you will be fine with or without him...I am really struggling on that aspect there are times when I feel I'll be ok but morning and night it hits me like a wave and I honestly feel I'd be better off dead

So are you doing no contact to get him back? I know the research you speak of, I considered it, but I know for my own good I need to leave him in the past and focus on myself and maybe one day I'll meet someone who actually deserves me.

Your situation sounds very difficult, what led you to be so needy? When did you break up? Could he just be calling you needy as an excuse for his own failings?

Outed, yes I am doing it for that reason as I did not want this relationship to end. I absolutely love him. The last time we saw each other before the split, he came over to surprise me next day we had an amazing morning he said we'd be together forever.

He went away for the weekend to a local event, invited me etc I didn't want to go. He drank heavily and was really suffering afterwards I said come to mine so he did and was feeling very rough but everything was ok. I went to work next day and felt he was being off with me. His texts were blunt where they usually wouldn't be. He went home and text me (in my mind) bluntly again saying he was home. I said I can't take anymore of the uninterested texts can he tell me if I've done something wrong...he explained he was hungover and everything was fine. We had an argument and didn't speak until next day. When I continued saying he could at least acknowledge why I was upset...then the kicker it got to the next day and he text me saying good morning was I still mad x ...I ignored for ages then went off on one at him...I think this did it! He said I kicked off every time he was away. He's right in a way, I did become a jealous person. Anyway, I started to apologise he seemed defeated. He said maybe we shouldn't see each other at the weekend, time to cool off. I agreed...I then was so upset (feeling he was going to break up) I got drunk and text him saying he has trust issues as well so is a fine one to talk to me about it. Next day he was mad and said he can't do this anymore....ended it.

So yes we had issues. My own insecurities about him leaving me (childhood issues) basically came true...I knew I was pushing him away with my behaviour and yet I still did.

I've dissected the situation over and over and I guess I felt his bluntness towards me after the weekend meant he may of found somebody else there.

He's told me he can't take it anymore. He was never good enough for me. My hope is that he needs time to work through his issues and maybe remember some of the positives about me. Yes this argument was shit and we've had similar in the past but we were amazing together. It's just so sad.

Fully understand how you are all feeling!

I'm currently 15 weeks no contact with my ex, it also helps that he's jointly having no contact with me however some days I just give up feeling like I need to go and see him.

However, he broke me so horribly & didn't care about my feelings only his own! He's now with someone else which hurts me every time I think about him.

Toobloodytired, I'm so scared to be like this forever. I feel better but only for moments af a time. 15 weeks in I'll still be feeling like you. I had the world and its gone.

I'm mad at him for ending it like this but on the other hand I'm not, I just want to show him how better it can be.

I felt like you did, absolutely petrified I'd still be sat here in a years time feeling the same way I did then.

It takes time but it does get easier, every one says it & you struggle to believe them but it's true.

I'm only struggling now purely because I'm pregnant with his child but I know 100% if I wasn't, I'd have been happy & content by now.

You will get there, please just go easy on yourself, don't expect yourself to snap back to happy straight away

cantstand I'm sure you'll get there, if that's what you need to do to get there, then you do that. It sounds like an awful situation, you should really focus on yourself during this time and work on being a happier you, maybe that's exactly what you need?
toobloody I don't know where you find the strength, 15 weeks sounds so far away but I can't wait to get there. He sounds like a shitty person to go no contact with you while pregnant! I'm sure you and baby will be much better without someone like that though.
I just hope I make it through Day 3 tomorrow, I'm taking it one day at a time and celebrating each step.

What will happen after 30 days will be what may. I think being in this limbo zone is hard craving to just say "good night" to know what he's thinking. I want to kiss him and make it all better...but I actually tried that and it didn't make it better.

Toobloody, you are very strong. I wish the best for you and your baby and I just hope he steps up in whatever way is needed for your child.

Outed, you can get through tomorrow. It will get easier.

Be proud you've made it this far!

Don't get me wrong I've had more lows in the last 15 weeks than I've had highs, I've struggled to get out f bed, I've felt so down & actually suicide seemed like a very good option 12 weeks ago....however I'm proud to say that although I thought about it, I can sit & say now, I don't think I'm better off dead!

I thought that feeling would never go!

When me & my first bf split 7 years ago, him & his new gf absolutely ripped me to shreds, mocked me, goaded me, sent me insane! I was desperate for him back, cried everyday for absolute months, I couldn't leave him alone!

I look back 7 years later & it's what gets me through this now, knowing that I'm glad me & him split, that he left me.....in time il feel the same about the father of my child, in all honesty rational me has already got up & dealt with it, irrational loser me is still trying to catch up! She's like a 3 year old who's just been told she can't have chocolate!

He hurt me, he stopped caring about me & our son so suddenly, I think it actually sent me into shock!

I rang him 5 times as I was so very ill, I left him countless voice messages begging for his help as I had no one else & couldn't get up from the floor!
When I finally spoke to him, his words were "I don't care, I'm not interested now stop contacting me", who says or does that to the mother to be of your child??

It's that, that keeps me going & reminds me that he never cared, he never will care so why should I! How can I miss such a vile little boy who is so very selfish?!

cant a what will be will be attitude is a good attitude to have. It is hard not to be able to say goodnight to him.

Too that sounds horrendous, I don't know how you've managed to get through but I'm so glad you have. I understand what you're saying about more lows than highs, I suppose practice makes perfect and I'm glad you feel stronger now.

My mind has spent the night reminding me how much he used to love me and how quickly that changed. It hurts but it's good because I know I deserve better than that. Although it does hurt, it hurts more than I believed possible, like you Too, I've been through this before and I survived it for the better before so I can do this, this time.

I'm strong today ladies. I know a positive mindset is everything and I'm trying to adopt one as tough as it can be. This was my decision last night after I felt so bloody down and awful I just had a little word with myself!!
What happens? I notice he's just unblocked me today! Makes me feel after 3 weeks. But none the less I'm committed to making myself a stronger better person.
Wishing you other ladies strength too. We are all strong!

Well done! It's great to see you have a positive attitude. That must be so confusing that he's unblocked you, but did he unblock you on social media? I have had to tell myself not to check his, because it hurts far too much, and can bring a good day down like nothing else.
How are you feeling about it? I'm glad you're still committed to becoming a stronger person.
I'm feeling good today, it hurts that he doesn't want me, but if I'm honest I can't believe it's taken me this long to do this. He's hurt me too much and this is the final straw. I won't let him have this power over me anymore.

It was on fb yes. I was on my fb messages and one of his old ones was a few down it has been grey and if you go to his profile it doesn't exist (I.e. Blocked) for the last 3 weeks. I noticed yesterday for the first time it's now blue and I can now access his profile (not friends so can't see much). To be honest it made me feel good. Like I'm not completely dead to him as it has felt. I feel like no contact did this and he's opened up the avenues for me to try and contact him...which I'm not by the way. I can see when he's active but I can't stalk his profile etc it's not what I need to be doing anyway!

I started some meditation last night! I feel it's all helping. Had a good day out with my friend which kept me focused elsewhere.

I'm going to continue working on myself. I feel I have changed and although I'm still in pain in the future I want to look back and see he positives of this 😬 I've always been a "everything happens for a reason" person even though it feels so bloody unfair sometimes! How we met and our relationship I was always like "things are meant to be" etc etc. I have to still believe things are happening for a reason.

I understand, fb is difficult in these situations, I can see my ex all over Facebook and wish I was bold enough to block him. I hate seeing him being happy with the other women. It hurts me so much.

Maybe I'll try meditation. It sounds so useful.

I completely agree with the continuing to work on myself idea, I'm definitely doing that. My only hope is that this hurt will pass and that I will start to get over him fully. I too am a everything happens for a reason person, so I have to see why this happened (besides me allowing it to) and learn from it.