I've cut my mother out of my life - now what?

[user1488385106]

Hi,

I'm new - so apologies if this has already been talked to death! I just, NEED, to talk to someone. Someone who has been through the same thing.

Long story short, my mum sucked. My parents divorced and by default I lived with my mum. In the wake of the divorce she went totally off the rails. Put simply, she never got back to normality. In the end, it got too much and I just had to walk away from her... I severed all ties.

This was a few years ago now. I don't think it's necessary for all the details, but to satisfy curiosity... She relied heavily on alcohol, prescription drugs and other people for money, sex and stability. Being within her circle meant being constantly vulnerable to verbal and physical abuse, as well as being used as a personal cash machine. The most shocking thing, as seems to be common with this type of thing, is that very few people knew what she was really like - leaving me with a big burden and a 'secret' life.

The thing is, despite day to day feeling worlds better since severing ties - sometimes it all just catches up with me. I can't help but have a pity party and wonder why I couldn't just have a normal mum? Someone who loves me? And I feel guilty... Sometimes I just want to sit there and feel sad about it, but how can I, when she is likely out there walking around? There's people who have lost their parents to accident, old age or illness, who would do anything to have their parents back... So how can I be so selfish? Is it ever OK to be sad about what's happened? Or will it always be taboo?

I don't know. I know it was the right decision, but I guess sometimes I need some reassurance. Any help with how to deal with all this would be appreciated. I've never seen a professional about it, and although overall I feel better, my life has some definite 'holes' in it.

I can't return to where I grew up without having panic attacks - I'm genuinely terrified of ever seeing her again. I know that isn't a normal way to be or live. Just typing about this now is making my hands shake! As a result of cutting off my mum, I 'lost' my grandparents, sister and brother-in-law also, which hurts terribly. I only have 1 blood relative that I have contact with. The rejection is rough.

Hey Im with youhavent spoken to mine for 14 years, we had a disagreement when she hassled for a couple of thousand she lent us at one point when we were quite short of money and needed to move house and she had inherited 1/4 of a million only 2 years before and had a house already fully paid for etc and a very high earning husband . She never made the effort to get back in touch, never showed any interest in me or the children , everything was always solely about her, she married again in mid 80's to a much younger guy and to be honest I dont think was 100% happy . She criticized everything, felt I shouldnt have bothered marrying second time unless it was to a wealthy guy, always said it was better to be miserable in comfort, criticised my weight, the fact we didnt own a houseabsolutely nothing seemed to suit! In the end to be honest, it was easier not to bother. I do sometimes wonder about her but she knows where I am if she wants to get in touch and I would be perfectly ok with her,

I have a difficult mother (mine is more of a 'stately homes' thread narcissist than anything else) and have considered NC and the consequences/future many time so have a lot of sympathy with you.

Would it be possible to reconnect with your grandparents/sister etc by writing to them and spelling out exactly why you went NC so they understand your perspective and saying you are sad you lost them too? It might make the 'holes' smaller? Otherwise I would say don't blame yourself/feel rejected - it was down to her & it sounds like you had it rough - also some counselling to help you come to terms with it better may help you move on.

Hi @tigerrun, thanks for writing back!

Sadly not - when I cut my mum off I put everything into writing (mainly because I was too afraid to actually go through with it face to face) and I gave a copy of this letter to my grandmother. She has always sided with my mum for as long as I can remember, so I guess it was inevitable that I would be cut off by my grandparents. I knew before I cut my mum off that there was a good chance I'd never see my grandparents again, I'm just sad that it became a reality. The same goes for my sister. Although, my sister and I aren't on 'bad' terms - we just aren't on any terms at all. It's like we just don't know each other anymore, and to reconnect would be hard without the others mentioned then getting involved. They're very controlling, so until my sisters breaks away from them, there's no way we would be able to reconnect properly and have a healthy relationship.

That is crappy, I'm sorry to read that. Perhaps then counselling to help you come to terms with it and move on? Especially as you are still having such a physical reaction to it - you sound like you are really holding on to it (unsurprisingly of course). Good luck with it .

You need to do what is right for you. You are not responsible for her, and if being around her or places that remind you of her is something which makes you have panic attacks then you are definetly better off without her in your life.

It's ok to feel sad about not having a good relationship, and there is a big difference between losing a parent who was caring and cutting out an abusive one, so don't feel guilty.

My husband had to cut his mum out a few years back because she is a grade A narcisist who would make up rape stories to shock people into not arguing with her ("well I was raped in x place and I can still do this totally unrelated thing!"). She remarried when my husnad was 5 years old, and the guy is a druggie and a functioning alcoholic who was verbally and physically violent towards them both, yet she would frequently leave my huband in the care of his stepfather (while he was intoxicated) because "he's a good person really" and "he didn't mean to" and "well (stepfather) was just discaplinning (husband) because he said something mean to me and should have known better". That last was when my husmand was 8yo, and the stepfather slammed his head into the cupboard hard enough to make the room spin. He's also broken both of my husbands arms, and punched him on several occasions. This is on top of weekly, if not daily, verbal abuse.

My husband was told not to talk about it because it wasn't anyone elses business, all families argue, and he shouldn't air their dirty laundry in public.

When we challenged MIL over her shitty decisions, she said "it was both of our second marriages so we decided to just have fun"...