fed up with family OR am i being unreasonable no......

[serenequeen]

just got v. irritable with (single, childless) sister on the phone this evening...

some background... i am 8m pg and have not had a particularly easy pg this time. we also have ds (nearly 3). both dh and i work f/t. we are moving house in a week's time after quite a stressful few weeks. i've had (ok a mildish case) of spd, which has meant i haven't slept properly in weeks due to the pain.

they know all this, but despite that, not once since i have been pg has any member of the family offered to help with anything no matter how minute. my parents are both retired - although to be fair my mother was quite ill with pneumonia last autumn (but otoh she has recovered now). they are in their late 60s.

i have to say i've been feeling a bit pee'd off with this for a while - especially as they have been their usual tactful selves with the critical put downs, and useless with ds when they do actually see him.

anyway, finally lost it with sister tonight when she asked me if everything was ready for the baby - of course it bloody isn't ffs. we didn't know which house we'd be in until today - that's why it's been quite a stressful experience, it has put the blockers on getting stuff ready for both the new arrival (and things we want to do to acclimatise ds, like moving him to his new room in plenty of time).

it is as if they have no interest in me (frequent remarks about how good dh is and - get this - how tired he looks) e.g. when i phone my mother as soon as i say it's me she says "oh" in a bored and disappointed voice.

i don't want to be a brat about it - after all parents are getting on and have done their time, anything they do should be a bonus really. but, otoh, friends and acquaintances have been brilliant, but family have absolutely struck out...

i feel like breaking off all contact with them, tbh. we have never got on well and i don't feel like making the effort of duty visits and calls any longer.

so if anyone can possibly have any patience left with me and my "problems" - am i being unreasonable?

thanks for listening

ps - be gentle...

SQ -- yes, great sympathy, similar situation in my 2nd pg where we had lots of worries over ds's health as I'd caught hand foot and mouth disease off dd1 at 8 wks pg.

Heard nothing from parents until 20 weeks into pg, and yes they did know I was pg, and THEN received a long tirade in the post from my mum detailing pretty much everything I'd done wrong since I was born. My mum for some reason didn't think I should have been having a 2nd child, not that it was any of her business. I'd had a very complicated miscarriage and cancer scare in between my two pregnancies, as well.

Eventually sent her a letter asking her whether she wanted to wait till she got the birth announcement in the post, or whether she was going to get in touch. Things sort of did soften up from there, and now we do get on ok, although I'm always a little wary of my family as they can turn quite quickly. And don't get me started on my in-laws.

Moral: No, you're probably not being unreasonable. If you feeel that way, then that's just how it is, there's no point trying to persuade yourself everything is beautiful. OTOH, you are 8 months pg, which I've never found to be my most reasonable time, plus you're about to move house and in pain etc etc, so I wouldn't do anything too irreversible.

Could you go on a contact go-slow -- ie not call them, screen their calls, get dh to talk to them for you on the basis that you're too 'tired' (let's face it, you prob. are, aren't you).

Your house move will be fine, you won't be pregnant for ever, you will have a beautiful baby and everything will sort itself out, and you won't feel like this for ever.

Does that help?

Hi serenequeen,

for what it's worth I don't think you're being unreasonable. You sound as if you've got a lot of your plate at the moment and your family sound decidedly unhelpful. Late 60s isn't that old nowadays and even if they feel unable to actively help then at least they could offer morale support to you.
I don't think you should break off all contact with them but instead of you making all the running, duty visits and calls etc, why not think of yourself, your dh and your ds at the moment and concentrate on them and getting ready for your new arrival. If your family want to see you or speak to you, they know where to find you, but let them do the running.
My dd is nearly 5 months and I can well remember the tiredness of late pregnancy and I didn't have to cope with moving house and lack of sleep.

poor you, sq. I could say "they sound useless and just ignore them", but I don't think that would be very helpful. And probably not what you need either - what you need from them is a bit of help and support! So just a couple of observations:
First - if you are anything at all like me then in the latter stages of pregnancy you feel tired, fed up, and slightly more irritable than normal. I always expected people to sort of anticipate my needs, which of course never happened because people aren't psychic. I always spent the last month of my pregnancy rather cross every time I had to do something that I thought someone else could do. So your reactions to your family are probably a bit heightened at the mo - I wouldn't do anything now that you might regret later.
Second - having met you (only once, and albeit briefly) you strike me as a sort of incredibly capable , in-control sort of person. I'm not saying that you are or are not, but that is how you come across. I'm similar. Maybe the reason that your family haven't offered you much help is because they think you don't need it? Or don't want it because you can do it/organise it all yourself, your way? And have you asked for help? I don't mean dropping hints, which you think are obvious but may not be to others - I mean actually ASK! Maybe if you haven't, then this is the first time your sister has considered that you may not be coping brilliantly. This may be completely off-base, I just know that my sister and mother view me a bit like that - probably because I'm a bit of a control freak and never show people that I'm not coping until I'm at breaking point.

Anyway - those are just my thoughts. If they don't apply, then ignore them, and - to paraphrase our good friend willow - just whack 'em with a brick and poor another glass of wine!
xx

Well, I think that everybody expect a lot from family but family is family and sometimes I am more inclined to believe the spanish saying "you can choose your friends, you can't choose your family" is nearer to reality than thinking in that lovely unity and strenght of the family that seems to be portrayed in every single fairy tale.

I think I have a very good relationship with my family now, but it has not been always like this, it only become better when I stoped having great expectations about their duties as parents, sisters, etc. and realised that they have so many flaws as I do, once the pressure was out and the expectations gone, family life got definitively better.

PS. Mum's favourite child is my husband, she is really spoiling him , however I think she pays so much attention to him because she is convinced that if family is nice to him he will feel more responible about making me happy .

hello,srenequeen, i dont think you are being unreasonable.Anyone who has had a baby knows that when youre getting near the big day you needa bit of tlc.Even if their experience was a long time ago ie the gramps.As for childless sibs well Im afraid they live on a different
planet dont they?Being the cynical old bat that i am, I sometimes think that when people see some one in a vulnerable state they have 2 options , one is to put themselves on hold and actually be proactive about helping that person or two is to use it as an opportunity to vent some of their own frustrations by actively not helping.I think that the advice to ask for help very specifically is good,but you need to factor in how you would cope with a no,or more difficult a yes but on their (pernickety) terms.
Finally, good luck with your new house and babe.

No not unreasonable - but pph has a point - will think and write more later but dh is waiting for me to go to bed.

Not unreasonable at all. My husband's family are in their late 60's-early 70's and have all been a great help. Especially his step-mother, who had surgery not too long before ds was born. I don't know what I would have done without them, and I had an easy pregnancy. My mom is only in her late 50's, but she offered to drive 250 miles to my house on weekends (after working 45 hr weeks) if I needed help. I agree with frogs and her idea of go-slow contact. Your mom should understand after having children, but I remember how I was before the baby, and not knowing how tiring pregnancy and being a mom is, and I said some pretty dumb things, out of ignorance, not intending to be mean to my friends with children. Maybe your sister just doesn't understand? Hope they wise up and things get better.

Poor you . No, don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I had similar-ish problems with my family ? we'd always been very close but suddenly seemed to be on completely different wave lengths, as if my mother had forgotten what it was like being heavily p/g (although she never tried it while holding down a full-time job in her 30s so maybe that's the difference).
PPH could be right you know, maybe they just don't realise that you do need help and understanding, even if it seems bl**dy obvious to you. And maybe there is an element of you being much more sensitive than usual; there was for me. I look back at some of the stuff I did in late pregnancy now with amazement; burst into tears and had huge row with sister because she accused me of waddling, for heaven's sake. Which I can now admit must have been accurate. But at the time it felt like the most cruel comment in the world.
HTH

PS don't know what your sister's tone of voice was but maybe ? and I'm probably competely wrong here because it clearly upset you ? she was just making one of those silly remarks that people do when you're pregnant. You know, 'do you want a boy or a girl' (as if you are going to say 'yes, I want x and if it's y we'll send it back', 'not long to go now'; (really? do you think I don't know exactly how pregnant I am?). Doesn't necessarily mean 'have you not got everything ready yet, my God woman, how incompetent are you', just making conversation.

how are you today sq? in bed with the sunday papers, a cup of tea and a stash of chocolate I hope. that is all this horrid wet day is good for...
xx

I missed this on Friday sq, sorry you're feeling down. When I was pregnant last year I had a big bust up with my mum because I thought she wasn't being sympathetic or helpful enough. I had the impression she wasn't available to help once the baby was born and just generally wasn't interested, blah, blah, blah. Anyway, once I moaned to her and got specific about it, rather than just being off with her (she'd said to my sister 'I know I've upset her but I don't know why' well, why didn't she ask me ffs! OTOH why didn't I tell her?! Not an easy relationship) it turned out that she didn't see it that way at all and thought she'd made it clear she would be available to help for a week after the baby. Not to me she hadn't! So I agree, is it possible that your parents don't think they're being unhelpful? What would happen if you asked them to do something? Would they, do you think? My mum pointed out that I don't very often ask her outright, I just expect her to know that I need help and she had a point I think. But I appreciate your family may not be the same.

As for childless sisters, I had 2 of them and tbh you can't expect anything. They just don't get it and never will until they have children themeselves imo. Also agree though that it may have been one of those polite meaningless questions and she didn't really expect a truthful response! But it is annoying, I do agree. At 8 mos pregnant I was a bitch from hell - I'm not saying you are - but I was in no state to make any permanent decisions about anything (so we moved house, city and county, obviously ). Ikwym about family and duty and being tempted to tell 'em to stuff it and all that, I really do but I agree with the others: see how you feel in a while. Much sympathy though.

I symphathise. I have had no help from my family with my children. To be fair my father was very ill when dd was born, and sadly died when she was 6 months old, but I don't think that it would have made any difference if he had been fine. My ma and pa loved me but only ever came to visit me a handfull of times in the 16 years I have been married. I think that they came from a generation that though I should always visit them.

Try to detatch if you can, and don't let it upset you. If you learn to expect nothing you will at worst not be let down, and who knows they might change.

Hope you're feeling better today sq. I wouldn't break off contact (sure you don't really want to). Have to defend you sister a bit. It just never, ever occurred to me when I was childless to offer to babysit or help people with kids, it just didn't cross my mind. Sure she didn't mean it, just hit a raw nerve yesterday?

Serenequeen, I'm sorry to have missed this yesterday - it sounds like a real case of 'the last straw' and who can blame you after all you have been through over the last year and now the stress of the 'is it happening or isn't it' house move. You were not unreasonable to be upset at the lack of support and the unhelpful question from your sister but I don't think you really want to cut off all contact so you should not do that but maybe just reduce the amount of effort you put into the relationships - so that you don't feel so let down when they don't respond in the way you would hope. I'm not sure if I'm being very clear so I hope you understand what I mean by the last bit!

thank you everyone, you have been so, so kind.

unfortunately, today was a bit of a mare. dh is at glasto, i woke up at 2.30am and was just drifting back off to sleep when ds woke up at 3.50am with a nightmare and though i took the line of least resistance and brought him into bed with me, neither of us got back to sleep. i gave up and got up at 5.30am! tearful and cross with ds all morning and seriously considering calling one of those emergency nanny agencies so i could sleep this pm... luckily got some sleep when ds went for his nap so was able to function this pm. this is what i mean about needing some help! was wondering how sahms with small babies do it and figured that while we love his nursery to bits, they're probably to blame for the fact that he can't amuse himself with anything on his own for more than 2 damn mins together! even tv didn't work.

so many good points here, not sure where to start.

everyone who has suggested a "go slow" in communications - thank you that is an excellent idea, i will do it. i'm afraid i have an unattractive build up of seething resentment about this which is manifesting itself in extreme tetchiness every time i talk to one of them now - which i think was one of the reasons i blew up so easily at my sister last night. and probably pushing them away if they were thinking of offering help

yes, her comment was probably one of those meaningless banal comments and not meant in any way personally and it did touch a raw nerve. she is bloody clueless though. always complaining about how busy she is... but zero understanding of our lives, i think she thinks we have a really easy time of it. surely it's not that hard to think moving house when you're 8m pg must be quite an undertaking? of course, i must remember i was probably guilty of howlers like this before having ds.

btw on the house move thing - i've had total strangers (plus people i've met too of course ) congratulating me on mn but not a peep from my own parents!

pph - first of all, how flattered i am! second, i think you're right in the sense that i'm the family "success story" (not the best way to put it but i can't think of a better way - and relative of course).

i think they think dh and i just sail through things without any problems. i think my mother actually resents my success (such as it is - in the context of my family rather than any other measure) and thinks i have it really easy compared to her - which is probably true, actually. it might genuinely not have occurred to them that we might need help. but, otoh, you wouldn't think you'd need to be gifted with a whole lot of imagination to think our situation might be a challenge for anyone atm. you're right i haven't asked for help - and now won't, it's not the help anyway, it's the offer that would have mattered more.

to everyone who has said in various ways that i might be a "bit more sensitive than usual" - you have all been very tactful i admit it, i have been monster bitch queen from hell for the last 35 wks it's one of the reasons i find pg so hard, the emotional vortex is miserable. the situation with my family is not good though, perhaps the modus vivendi we normally have to bear it is just not adequate for the heightened situation. believe me, my expectations of them are not high in general! lordy.

i was so miserable last night thank you so much everyone for these kind words. they have cheered me up. it's nice to know other people have problematic family relationships (dh's lot are like the blimmin' Waltons!)

Message withdrawn

SQ, re childless sisters, my friend is a single parent with absolutely no contact with her baby's father (very much his choice, the bastard). She has a very lively three year old son, suffers from panic attacks and depression and lives in a one bed flat. Her sister told her she couldn't be lonely because she had her son (then aged two) for company! They just don't get it. Also I know my friend's sister is jealous because my friend has a child and she is frightened she never will. I think that colours things.

Hi Serenequeen,

It may be cold comfort but you are certainly not the only one by any means. My parents in particular have been unsupportive and generally not very much bothered with my son who is now 5. Their loss in my view, it is hard to accept though. Outlaws are not much better either.

Why don't you try and read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward. Would recommend this heartily to all those who have problems with their parents.

Breaking off contact completely is only something you should do after much thought - actually the book I've mentioned talks about this.

My best wishes to you and yours

Hawaii

thanks again everyone, especially essbee. you've got so much on your own plate atm, it's very kind and unselfish of you to spare a thought for someone else. i'm humbled.

808state, will look out for Toxic Parents, sounds about right! must also avoid turning into one - a big fear in the circs.

a much better day today, more sleep all round, yesterday was like new baby fatigue, it really was!

thank you all very much

Dear Serenequeen,

I know it's a bit late but I just wanted to post to you and say I know exactly how you feel and also how encouraging (not sure if that's the right word) that we are not alone. I am in therapy at the moment and am slowly starting to try and get to grips with my relationship with my parents. The hardest thing I found was to stop fantasizing that they were going to turn around and be the parents I always dreamed of..I have slowly realised that whatever I do is not going to change that.

I wish you every success with your relationship with your parents. My view is not to expect anything and then when you do get something it will be a nice surprise.

Lots of luck

Jules x

P.S Feel free to email me if you ever need to moan! LOL

sq, think you've had some ace advice on here. thinking of you.
It must be hard being seen as the family success story. From what you say, this could be a big part of your parents' problem in realising you need help too.

sorry I didn't catch your thread earlier.