Don't know what to do.

[user1488286731]

Me and my husband have been married for 8 years and together for 17 years. We have 2 wonderful children. To the outside world we have a good life.

But I am not happy,I had a very traumatic,chaotic childhood,I was also raped when I was 19. My husband was my best friend and such a kind,gentle nice person. After going through so much,I wanted a relationship that was safe and secure. We ended up together,but it got intense very quickly.

But we are 2 completely different people and although I love him,I don't think I am in love with him. I feel like my true personality is stifled and I am pretending to be somebody I am not.

I've tried leaving him,I've told him he deserves somebody who really wants him and is in love with him.
But he just begs me to stay,says I do love him I just don't know my own mind!! He can be quite controlling,financial and emotionally,has distanced me from family,so all I really have is him.I feel like I am going crazy,

I have never been sexually attracted to him or anyone really. I never want sex although enjoy it when I get into it.

Am I kidding myself that there is a better life out there for me,where I can actually be myself or am I just selfish and not capable of being happy with what I have,when I am very lucky to have the life I do?

Sorry this was so long!

I think you are not sure of yourself, which introduces another problem - you aren't sure what you want to be happy. So I think the real question you need to ask yourself is "What makes me happy?" and then see if this person falls somewhere in that category. If it is freedom that you want, then pursue it.

Terrortwilight,that's how I feel,we rub along ok on a day to day basis,have moments were I think I am happy and can carry on for his and my childrens sake,But the thought of this being it for the rest of my life,just makes me want to cry.

MaryAll - I think you have hit the nail on the head,I do need to figure out what I need to make me happy,but have always been told my judgement is poor that Iam too impulsive and don't make good decisions,I just don't trust myself to know if what I want will make me happy.

Sounds like you need some time to yourself. Find out who you are and what you want. It might be him in the long run but it's probably not from what you've said. You deserve to be happy and maybe some time away from him will help you see the wood for the trees in terms of what you need