Advice sought, sex life gone stale, partner upset

[user1488281699]

Hi,

First time poster and long time trawler.

To cut to the point, I am 27 and my partner is the same age. We have been together 9 years and have a child together. All has been great for us but unfortunately our sex life has been waning for the last two years.

I love him and he loves me, but his sex drive is higher than mine. He compliments me often and desires sex with me as opposed to masturbating. But I feel like he wants sex at almost every interaction going in bed. I dare not kiss him or hug incase he tries it on. When we do have sex and I am not fully all there, I often lay on my back with my leg cocked up or on my side with a lazy doggy style. He has pulled out and had a strop many a time with this, and says it feels so loveless and passionless he would rather not bother. He has bought me toys, lingerie and trips away but I just dont feel like having sex.

Most nights we sit down stairs, we watch somethng and Im on my phone and he asks me to put the phone down and show some interest in chatting or cuddling etc. But Im zoning out. I know he feels I am glued to my phone and feels pushed out by me, but Ive told him its the way it is and get over it. But this weekend gone it all came to a head. The kids were away, I offered to dress up later on and we went for a nice meal. Came back, walked the dog together holding hands, returned for a glass of wine and he had a shower and returned back to me. But I wasnt feeling sex at all, so I just chilled on phone and drank another glass. We went to bed, he tried for a kiss but I gave quick kiss and buried my head down for sleep. He looked gutted and asked what was the matter. He said he hoped we were finishing on a high and I replied I hated high expectations, to which he said 'I only have hopes, not expectations, I have come to realise your phone is as important to you as I am if not more and that youre disinterested in me sexually, its either rejection or half hearted, I cant do this any more'. A few words were exchanged and I said he ruined the night, he wished me good night and we slept. Day after he went to his Mums and I went to mine, he bought flowers and chocs, some bits for my car etc and tidied up around house. But since he has said he feels we are drifting apart and it feels as if we are friends who share a bed.

I know deep down I am pushing him away, I know he loves me and wont cheat but I also just dont feel so deeply into him as he does with me. He wants to try things, I dont. He wants more and I am content. What should I do?

I think one of you needs to end it. Him wanting sex more than once a week at his age is hardly sex addict territory & your utter contempt for him shines through here. I think the relationship is doomed

TBH, I would find someone buying me stuff like this really annoying too. My ex husband was always doing it and really nasty stuff too (think crotchless etc) I found it a complete turn off. With regards to the phone/tablet thing, my OH moans about it but does it just as much himself!! I do watch films/box sets/talk (I see him a lot more than others see their partners) as Im sure the OP does too. OP like me you simply have an inbalanced libido, only you can decide if you are prepared to put a bit more effort in or be prepared that your marriage may suffermine has. I fully admit

I really think sex is almost a red herring. Your lower libido isn't what's making you ignore him all evening. Or go back to zoning out on your phone after a lovely romantic evening - seriously, who does that?!

Rude!

You say you love him, but I don't think you know what real loving with a passion is like! Perhaps it's your age and lack of experience? You've been with him since you were 18. Have you been with anyone else? You might be amazed how horny you could be, if you were with the right guy. I was a bit "meh" about sex with my first H. Had a few relationships after we split. Now with DH and there's never been any "meh" moments....can't recall ever saying no to sex. Best ever.

If he wants a cuddle can't you just say that intimacy would be nice but not the sexual kind? Unless you don't want that either, in which case you need to give him the opportunity to find someone who is interested in him.

Ok OP - you are both going through a fairly classic avoidance dance in which you retreat - he advances and is rejected, he feels anxious and tries harder, which only makes you feel more repelled. So yes, he is doing the absolute worst thing and making himself ever less attractive (the whole sexy clothes gifts are such a bad idea!!) But in all this, you are not seeing that it isn't his 'need for sex' that is the problem, nor even your low libido - it's actually getting to the reasons why you no longer wish to connect with him, emotionally and physically.
There are plenty of advice websites that will suggest ways for getting the sex back (e.g. by agreeing only cuddles, sleeping naked and very gradually reintroducing sex only when it feels comfortable etc) If you are interested OP then go and search.
But the real question is whether you want to, and if you are prepared to explore how you can change things at the root of the problem - why are you disconnecting from him, whether you blame him for your unhappiness, or if you look to him for things that are your responsibility, or is there some fairytale ending he hasn't delivered?
I'm not going to suggest splitting up your family if you still think you love him - but you need to reconnect. There may well be things he's doing wrong, or not doing that you need, but you need to look at them and see if you can fix this. So counselling may really help too.

The youtube video really hit home, I am pushing him away and can see rejection is tearing him up.

Phone use to a minimum on an evening for sure.

I cant orgasm via penetration, so its clitoral stimulation to bring me to climax. What positions do you ladies suggest for quickies and also longer sessions?

I am open to suggestion and to improve jn general.

Thank you and enjoy your evening, really appreciate all the advice so far.

OP are you on the pill? I only ask as my libido went through the roof when I stopped taking it. If you do want to try to improve things it might be worth considering alternative contraception although I'm aware that doesn't address all the issues, just thought it was worth mentioning.

No, hes had the snip. Just went spotty and pale on the pill and coil. He had the snip 3 years ago.

The snip at 24, with one child??

I think you are stuck in a cycle. It happened to me. In your head you don't desire him anymore and you are pushing him away. Sounds like he is trying so much to put things right. This in turn is making you worse.

You need to make an effort. Tell him you want dates but no sex for a while so you can be intimately together with no pressure then see how things develop. If you really can't desire him you need to let him go. Sitting on your phone all night will be soul destroying for him. It would put me right off and yet he still wants you

Is this genuine?!! You're behaving appallingly towards him! Put your fucking phone down and engage with him ffs! It sounds like he misses you and wants to be close, not just sexually but to talk and interact with you. And you just want him to sit there while you ignore him! Fuck that shit. It's not just about sex, you're just not that interested in him.

He had the snip at 24? More fool him I guess.

I think this might be a reverse and it's the husband talking to us.

Either way, neither of you are happy with your sex life. Would you consider some counselling as a couple?