So this is kind of confusing but I'll try to keep it simple, so please just bear with me... Also apologies for the formatting errors if there are any! I am 22F and my SO is 29M.
We went through a rough patch last summer where he just straight up didn't want to have sex with me at all, and it feels like that has just set off a mudslide of anxieties and paranoia. Our sex life has never really quite recovered and we usually DTD once a week or so (I have previously expressed that I would like to do it more, preferably every other day) - we usually spend 2-3 days together, usually around the weekend.
I suggested that he should probably watch less porn and so on, he agreed, but didn't really reduce at all. I found this out by snooping, which is crap of me I know, but in my defence he didn't really try to hide it and I stumbled across stuff accidentally which kinda made me just want to dig more. It's something I had been really anxious about too, especially porn usage, freaking out on occasion where he has lied or misled me about whether he was watching porn or not, not being upfront about these things, and when I asked why he didn't tell me what was going on just said that he doesn't really like to talk about sex, it should be something that is private. Anyway we're mostly over all that, I realise that porn/masturbation is different to sex so I was really shitty for getting so salty about that stuff - just added this in for some background.
He's been saying for a while that he doesn't want to have sex so much because he's getting older, sex drive decline etc etc which, while plausible, doesn't really make much sense given the fact that he has no problem masturbating or checking out nude women on instagram or wherever (several times a day) and it really kinda sucks that he enjoys doing these things but doesn't desire to have sex with me, and it's hard not to compare myself, or wonder what I'm doing wrong, or whether I look wrong. I know it sounds bad because I really do love him but I miss feeling desired, and I am not sure if I can be in a relationship where my partner doesn't desire this kind of physical intimacy with me.
It's been affecting my own sex drive too, to the point where I haven't wanted sex with him for a couple of weeks now. This has worried him though and he has spoken to his friends about it who suggested that we ought to just have more sex (gee thanks)... but this has kinda upset me too, because when I suggested it a while back, he didn't really take it on board. Agreed readily, but nothing ever came of it. While I was explaining to him why I thought I wasn't really in the mood (not feeling good about myself because of not feeling adequate, or good enough, not feeling like he was all that into it, or felt like he was just taking out his sexual frustration on me rather than actually wanting to have sex with me iyswim) he said something like "Why are you mopey? I said we should have more sex, just like you've been crusading for." which hurt my feelings, which I said, though I didn't really get a real apology for it.
Anyway I've really been trying this weekend to get back into it so we can sort things out. I've tried to initiate twice even when I haven't felt entirely into it because I still want to make that connection with him but he declined both times (with fair reason) but gotten pissy at me for being somewhat upset about it, although I do realise that is unreasonable of me. He initiated and we DTD, although it didn't last long, he mentioned he would probably be recharged and ready to go again soon, but he wasn't that evening so I didn't press it, no big deal. Next day, no sex again, went home in the evening time so there was plenty of time but....nope. But fine, it's a work in progress, whatever.
I understand that looking at women/porn/masturbating is entirely different to having sex and I realise they're not connected so I have been trying (and mostly succeeding) at getting over my insecurities, though they still niggle. I suppose I'm just looking for advice or any thoughts on this situation, really. Thank you
(ps - copy pasted from another internet forum, just want more advice, thanks)