DH's fantasy is troubling for me

[Carminaburanathemental]

I am a regular poster and NCd for it as it's mortifying for me.
Me and DH have had a great sex life even after having our DCs. It never lacked in any aspect or imagination and we were both quite happy with it. Over the years we have started to experiment slowly. Again, we have talked about everything beforehand and everything has been consensual from both sides and thoroughly enjoyed.
some months ago, DH shared with me a fantasy that he says he has been having since ages but hasn't been able to tell me before. It's him seeing me having mind blowing sex with some random hot blokes (more than one even!) that HE brings home. I suspect he is actually refusing to elaborate this as there is more to it, like may be it could be people we know? But I don't know as he got evasive and didn't explain further. And he wants me to do this for him too. That is, bringing hot girls for him or even couples. He refused to elaborate further as I think I looked too shocked already.
I have been trying to find ways to talk about it but he has always laughed me off saying it's just a fantasy he has and he never wants to act on it. A couple of times he got very defensive and said it's something every man secretly thinks of and never acts on!
It has been months and it is now a regular part of our intimate time together and he says he is very happy about the things that way and that it. I wouldn't lie. After the intitial shock, I found it very flattering and arousing that he is fantasising this. It took us to new heights. But it has worried me too.
Is he thinking about other women and trying to find a way around that by offering me to do it too? Or is it a genuine real fantasy that men haave secretly and he is telling me the truth? Am I overthinking it? I would probably never be able to act on it. He is the one for me and always will be. It's just the fantasy part that is arousing for me. So may be it works the same way for him and he isn't actually thinking of anything beyond this?
He has never given me any cause to suspect him and we were really good friends for a very long time before we started dating so I kind of know his history and personality IYSWIM?
I hope I could get some answers here as he has said he has told me all that he thinks there is to it.
Thank you to everyone who has read this very long post. I really do need your advice and experiences please.

I'm female but certainly never wanted to carry out into reality things i fantasised about, I don't see why that shouldn't be the same for men.

That's exactly what DH said too. I mean why go to all the lengths of scaring the hell out of me by telling me things in explicit details only to come out with this? Scared me.

Oh well my DH wasn't my DH at the time. We were getting to know each other and I called his bluff. He shit his pants. But I'm an arsehole like that.

Hmm already your DH? I'd say he's fantacising and lost all reality until you said. He's now shitting his pants. It's just timing. If this had come up before it would be a long gone thought in his head.

Honestly, men (mostly, better cover my arse) think they're all that when it comes to sex. The higher sex drive, yada, yada. My DH was the same. I've come out with stuff that makes him . Not that I have. I can talk the talk just as well, well probably better

You have to watch the dogging programme AF linked to. A bloke actually uses the phrase, "The golden years of dogging".

kiki it's very helpful to see it dissected that way. It totally makes sense.
italian he has never given me any reason ever and I do know his whole relationship history too because we were close friends for a long time when he asked me out. he just said he was annoyed because he was scared to share it with me and only did it after careful thought that he couldnow trust me with it being just that and my reaction was slightly disappointing as it doesn't look like I am taking his word for it and not having full faith in each other. Looking back, I do feel awful as I can see his point clearly now.
Thankfully I do not think I have done some lasting damage and I won't ever mention it again. "Floored" meant I was really flattered that he found it so fascinating to see me with some other men. And also that he was so secure and sure in himself that he was actually sharing it with me. A man who has this kind of confidence in himself is the most sexy thing ever, isn't he? And I shook it by doubting him. I need to make up for it.

rubbish
Too many recommendations. Now I have to watch it

Kikikaakaa "If you feel uncomfortable with it then ask him to stop the fantasy." Good advice.

"I can't see it being a good thing that he got the guts to share it and now you grill him on it!"

Or, I could say, I can't see it being a good thing that he got the guts to share it, you were unhappy about it, and he gave you a hard time about it.

Carminaburanathemental "I mean why go to all the lengths of scaring the hell out of me by telling me things in explicit details only to come out with this? Scared me." Why indeed!

"I now owe him an apology for doubting him." I am not sure how you got to that conclusion.

Hiding "...it can't be very comfortable for him that you're tensing up when it's mentioned..." Can't be nice for the OP either!

I guess OP if he hasn't given you any reason to doubt his loyalty to you then fine. If the fantasy if nice and you like it, go with it, if not tell him no. The fact he shared it doesn't mean you need to go along with it.

If, in the future, he does seem to want to make this a reality you can say no and take it from there.

At the end of the day this is your sex life too, so do what makes you happy, with your dh's consent, and he should do the same.

Carminaburanathementa cross posed with you. "A man who has this kind of confidence in himself is the most sexy thing ever, isn't he?"

Not in my book, but you are in your own life and as I said it is your sex life/love life so if you are happy, great.

" And I shook it by doubting him. I need to make up for it." As I say, you do as you like, and enjoy.

Me and dp are very open about our fantasies and umm 'games' so I just asked him about this, he just shrugged and said every guys thought about it. He actually shrugged!!! I don't even know what to think myself but yes it certainly seems more common than I would have thought! grateful he doesn't drive

Yeah, all men think exactly the same about sex, because all women think exactly the same don't we!

Remember OP mumsnet is for support so we want to be supportive of you, if you are happy that is great. But the idea all men think about the same things is really crazy (who would any man know what all men think!)

how not who!

off to bed!

Night night and hope all is well OP.

From 12 min onwards if you want to miss the build up

Italian, I'm assuming since the OP posted this After the intitial shock, I found it very flattering and arousing that he is fantasising this. It took us to new heights. that she's only 'tensing' because she's worried he wants to take it further than fantasy and, since he's given no indication this is the case, that seems a little unfair to him. Just for the record I would never condone anyone going along with anything they don't feel comfortable with.

Hiding good point and of course I agree with you about no one ever needing to go along with something they are not comfortable with.

Yet, she named her thread "DH's fantasy is troubling for me".

My responses are both my thoughts on the subject and my response to what I think might trouble the OP. But if, as you say, she is only worried that he might want to do it in real life, and she now feels very sure that he doesn't want to do that, then that is fine.

How is it 'unfair' to the OP's dh for me to have a view on this?

I guess it really depends what 'value' one places on 'fantasy'. A fantasy might make me feel uncomfortable even if the man in question was not wanting to do it in real life - or it may not. But is not about me, as I said it is the OP's sex life under discussion, my aim is to be supportive of her, if she is happy, great.

I am assuming the OP isn't going to tell him what I think!

I used to love the idea of multiple partners - now I'm an insecure wreck the thought of my DP even thinking about anyone else sets me off... but I do think it's just a fantasy and harmless.

Well there is cuckolding (kind of involves an element of humiliation) and the opposite - cuckquean. There is also a Hot Wife fantasy where there is no humiliation involved, just pleasure. And then of course, there is swinging (threesomes and moresomes and party). All reasonable fantasies and none a hint that he wanted to cheat or have an ulterior motive for mentioning them.

Italian, I didn't mean that you were being unfair to OP's DH, I meant that maybe she is by 'tensing' when his fantasy is mentioned if the only reason for that is her own suspicion that he wants to make it a reality. From what she's posted he's given no indication that is the case and OP doesn't sound troubled by the fantasy itself, so long as it remains a fantasy. It would be a shame to spoil what sounds like an enviably good sex life by worrying uneccessarily and making fantasies a no-go area for her DH.

My two cents, FWIW:
DH and I have what sounds like a similar setup; v open about fantasies and different acts/experiences, some of which we have acted on, others remain exciting fantasies, others have been mentioned and then abandoned. Quite a few things have been somehow strange, unsettling or disturbing to talk about in the beginning, but working out what aspect made us uncomfortable about it is part of what strengthens the relationship ultimately, i.e. are we troubled by "what people would think" about this, but actually find it hot ourselves; is it something to fantasise over or is it something we could actually do? Challenging our preconceptions on sexuality and the boundaries of the relationship has been rewarding and ultimately deepened our relationship- but I reiterate it's not been without moments of discomfort and soul-searching, which I feel is a healthy and important part of the process and not something to worry about.

It sounds to me like the op has a similarly open and fulfilling relationship with dh and that is to be treasured. The only slight red flag is that dh is getting irate when pushed on the subject - but I tend to agree with pp, take him at his word and trust that he's happy with it remaining a fantasy, barring appearance of other evidence to the contrary. And although obviously we are all different, yes, IME it's a pretty common fantasy (how much porn is freely available on a given theme is usually a good indicator! ;)

It's not something that appeals to me either as a fantasy or a real experience. Thinking it through, if my wife was having sex with another man and wasn't enjoying it, it would break my heart. If she was really enjoying it i suspect it would break my heart as well. I also cannot imagine me enjoying an intimate moment when there is another guy's hairy arse and dangly bits in close proximity. As for the third party being another woman, l expect my wife would feel much the same as me, though hopefully the hairy arse would not be a factor.

I fully accept that some couples enjoy this kind of thing, it's just not for me. My advice to anyone considering it is to be absolutely sure, with no doubts, that both of you are 100% up for it. Some genies cannot be put back in the bottle and seeing your partner shagging someone else is, IMHO, one helluva big genie.

I think you should step right back. The fact that you didn't immediately jump at the suggestion indicates it's not for you. If you continue to discuss it there is a danger that you blunt some of the jagged edges and eventually convince yourself you might be able to handle it.

I agree that it is not a good idea to continue if it makes you feel really out of your depth and nervous. It's ok to admit to him it's just a bit too far for you, not prudish in any way, just your boundary and find something new you like to think about. Sometimes fantasies can go this way, because it's a little bit too 'real' i.e. 'Imagine having sex with your boss/do you secretly fancy your boss?'

Very common fantasy for men.

Thank you for all the replies.
Like Hiding and others pointed out, I am not bothered and have really enjoyed this so long as it's a fantasy only. And as I mentioned previously, DH has said too that this is a fantasy for him and physically involved the two of us only. He said clearly and many times so far that he doesn't want to physically bring anyone and doesn't want me to do it either. Like kiki picked up, it was me being suspicious despite having no previous reason for it. the only thing I can think of is I have gained a bit of weight (DH has no problem with that at all) and probably feel a bit insecure myself and projecting it on him. Otherwise there has never been a cause of concern, he never even mentioned anyone in those fantasies that I know or he knows. It's just some random super hot guys doing things to me and vice versa.
It's always great to turn to Mumsnet for advice. You lot are cool.