How to emotionally leave my relationship

[maggiemaye]

I don't really want to go into the ins and outs. But for several reasons, I intend on physically remaining in my relationship for the time being. However, how do I pull away emotionally? This merry-go-round of disappointment where he tries and then doesn't again is killing my self-esteem and fueling my depression.

I know it's not an ideal outcome, but one I feel is best right now. How can I detach? I need to stop focusing on how to improve this relationship as I am on the only one consistently trying.

Can you get away for a few days?

Ooh gosh that's a hard one most people are doing it the other way around! Maybe just start finding lots of things to do, join a gym , do a night class go out with friends, find new hobbies. I wish you all the luck x

I emotionally detached for some time before leaving a miserable relationship. I mainly did it by spending as much time as possible out with friends, getting on with looking after the DC on my own and expecting nothing at all from my (now) ex, and making lists of all the things I would do once I'd bitten the bullet and thrown him out. He made it a bit easier by being more and more crap in response. I also worked out how all my finances would work when I was without him, checked out benefits, etc. And had nothing to do with him in bed. It did help me to cope with splitting up

Did you still share a bed in the process Evergreen?

I think I'm doing this right now. I've put up with years of crap from my partner but something has changed. I'm not in a position to leave at the moment but am slowly emotionally detaching from him. I'm finding this quite easy though. I'm civil to him but I show no interest in him or anything he does. I've been spending as much time away from him as I can. He will know something is not right but will bury his head in the sand as always.

Yes. It was a small flat with no easy alternative.

Exactly the same thing here. Years of being unhappy and knowing things weren't right, then on Sunday he went mad at me cos the kitchen was full of washing up and I was taking dd to an art class. Was going to do the dishes when I got home but he made me stay at home, said if I went to the class then he would leave. Then he shut me and dd in the kitchen, wouldn't open the door, said I had to clean the kitchen. Fucking bastard. So things have stepped up a level and I have started to plan escape.

I'm just going through the motions with DP, biding my time until I can leave (about 18m). I think a lot about the future, planning my life without him & it kind of keeps me going.

Try to find time for you, healthy energy outlets. Reflect on your successful disengagement every day and congratulate yourself. This will make you stronger, more resilient to the pressures. Expect ups and downs and you cant go too far wrong.

Thanks Instinctively. A positive spin on things, always good.

It's so hard to emotionally pull away, when I just don't want to, when I want my relationship to work. But it's feels I'm the only one working at it at times and have been for a long, long time. I've come to the conclusion that my partner and I are quite mis-matched.
No doubt, he'll begun making an effort as I start to pull away; always the case. Need to be strong enough to know that as soon as I give again, he will begin to pull back again.

Would you think about some counselling for yourself, to look at the issues?

I would:
-spend as much time away from home as possible. Can you join a gym and go everyday? Exercise will massively help with your depression too. Can you go to a new group/class? Anything from a new hobby/slimming world/book club?

-try to stay in separate rooms but if that will cause too much confrontation don't have a sexual relationship with him. Again if you feel you have to to avoid confrontation for now, imagine it is someone else (sounds horrible I know but then you're not letting yourself connect emotionally with him)

-begin to clear out your things so that when you leave you don't have much sorting out to do. Get rid of old clothes/ anything you won't take with you/ anyThing that will remind you of the relationship.

-ensure you have your own finances in check. Be independent have all paperwork you need etc so joint accounts and responsibilities are easily re-worked. You'll then feel independent and confident knowing what would happen should you leave.

-limit contact with mutual friends and his family as much as possible. Often this is the hardest part of a relationship break up as you share other parts of your lives together.

Good luck xxx

I think disengaging emotionally is incomplete with trying to make your relationship work. If you're still trying to make it work, you can't really detach. And once you have managed to detach, there's no real way back even if you want there to be. So you need to decide where you're at really.

Sorry that should read incompatible not incomplete

I think you have to come to terms with the fact that you want a relationship to work but not this relationship. Otherwise you're so conflicted that you won't be able to detach.