when he pulls away during upheaval/conflict/heightened emotions

[shoobadobeedo]

My DP has always pulled away during times of heightened emotion/struggle, at times I need him most.
This was the case when I experienced illness during my pregnancy with DS a few years ago and was the first time I really noticed it. He just completely pulled away from me.
I am currently grieving after the loss of an Aunt who was like a mother to me, have been more needy and vulnerable than usual and he's done it again. Completely pulled away from me, can't seem to handle my emotions.
When life is great, DP is great. But life isn't always great and when it isn't, it also becomes lonely when I'm needing him more than ever.
Is this something I need to acknowledge and accept? Finding other ways to support myself emotionally? Or is this a make or break for DP and I?

Have you spoken to him about it? Perhaps he feels you need space and thinks he is giving it to you? Xx

My dad is like this best dad/husband in the world but during hard times his hopeless. My mums mum had aliatihmers and he hid at the pc for two yrs!! My.mum found it hard but she didnt divorce him or anytime

I have spoken to him about it a number of times. He says he doesn't know what to do to help me and that he can't help but step back when situations become intense.
I'm just not sure whether I should accept this and lean on others for support as DP clearly can't be supportive as I perhaps need at times. Or whether I should expect a little more for myself and consider that DP is burying his head in the sand and hiding away when he should be there for me.

Does he have close friends? I think you need to work out if it's a can't or won'the support you.

If it's "can't" then suggest he asks you what he needs to do or you tell him .An example might be..ask for a hug.

If he doesn't respond then perhaps it's a "wont".
Negative emotions makes him feel you are needy and he doesn't like to have to make the effort.

If he is a person who pulls away at times of high emotion then that is fundamentally who he is. I have a had a couple of relationships (including my marriage) where my partners were terrible at times of crisis as such and did just the same - they shut down/backed away/behaved as all was well in the world. These people are not empathetic and that cannot be learned. It took me being with my partner now and seeing how naturally he supports me as stressful times to understand that this is down to individuals and their coping mechanisms pure and simple. If you feel you deserve more than he can naturally give then accept that you are not going to be satisfied and end the relationship. I did and never looked back.