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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Quite desperate.

9 replies

sugarplumpfairy · 27/02/2017 03:39

Long time lurker, not posted a great deal. Just getting the courage to post at all. This will be long, have had a bottle of wine so please bear with me. Long story short I have two lovely girls 9 and 13. I am not with their dad - emotional, verbally and financial abusive relationship that was. Cut a long story short we do actually get along ok general for the most part, I think he may have had counselling/help as he is much more reasonable these days although still hard work at times with arrangements/money etc. I met my partner 6 years ago and we more or less fell in love straight away. I was happy on my own with the girls so wasn't desperate to meet anyone. He has had the worst upbringing you could imagine, I am from a very stable home with wonderful parents. He has admitted he struggles with this as he adores my mum and dad/daughters but he just can't cope with love?! He has openly admitted he has tried to push us away as he struggles to cope. Now here is the main thing - he is an alcoholic. It all came to a head the other week and I threatened to leave, he started to make changes and has massively cut down on the drink but still is arguementative with the girls and I am on egg shells all the time. We cannot relax when he is around. My eldest has been a nightmare with her attitude at times but he makes things ten times worse when he shouts. I guess I just want validation that is it not acceptable that he has called me a cunt when drunk, shouts and we are all on eggshells when he is about. I know I am leaving as my girls are my priority but I am doubting myself as usual like it's my fault. He was drinking up to two bottles of wine per night and being so nasty. My beloved dad has been very poorly and almost died so I am trying to look after him/mum plus I'm needing a hip replacement at age 40 and in alot of pain but working hard as a nurse. I really don't want to moan but struggling at the moment. Am thinking of calling the Dr in the morning as I feel at the end of my tether. He is lovely but I know we cannot be with him when he is like this. Although he has tried to cut down he just picks arguments all the time with the girls and I am tired of it. They are my priority. We have all said we completely understand his point of view but shouting is not the answer. Please help.

OP posts:
DogMama89 · 27/02/2017 03:50

OP I don't know what to say but THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

Get yourself and your girls out of there.

Flowers
coolaschmoola · 27/02/2017 03:51

He isn't 'lovely' he's an alcoholic AND he's abusive. They are separate things - not all alcoholics shout and name call, not all abusers drink - so he's both. Deep down you know this and you know it's not OK.

You split up with one abuser - and got with another.

coolaschmoola · 27/02/2017 03:53

Oops, wrong button!

His behaviour is NOT your fault and it's NOT your Dd's fault. It's all him.

The only thing to do is leave. No one should be walking on eggshells at home.

SmellySphinx · 27/02/2017 04:02

Split up, it's the only option in this situation as far as I can see.

Original poster
sugarplumpfairy · 27/02/2017 04:29

Yes. Splitting up is the only way. Wish I didn't love him because I do. But I will not put up with this. I feel strong now but I know I won't tomorrow. Wish I had never met him in a way.

OP posts:
FrenchLavender · 27/02/2017 04:39

He is being unkind and aggressive to you and more importantly to your children. You need to end it. Forget all the guff about how he had an unhappy childhood, struggles to cope with love, pushes you away because he's flawed and damaged etc, etc, none of that matters, really, does it? It might well me the reason why he is how he is, but knowing (or suspecting you know) the reason doesn't actually change anything.

You don't deserve to be called a cunt and made to feel like shit and be dragged into arguments you didn't start and don't want. And your children certainly don't deserve it.

Costacoffeeplease · 27/02/2017 06:03

There isn't a choice to make is there? Your girls can't stay in that environment, that's all there is to it

pallasathena · 27/02/2017 07:06

You're one of life's rescuer's aren't you? Kind, compassionate, always give far more than you receive and you see it as your job to make everything better for everyone.
The downside of this world view is you end up paying such a very heavy price for being so accommodating.
Another downside is the behaviour modelling you are unwittingly inflicting on your children. They will think its normal and it will then become their reality (over a period of time), that the only way to live is to give yourself completely to an undeserving man and accept the unacceptable because its all you think you deserve.
Please end this relationship.
You and your children can carve out a far better future for yourselves than the one that is slowly unfolding in front of your eyes.

Original poster
sugarplumpfairy · 27/02/2017 15:01

Thanks everyone. I realise that I
must leave. The girls come first x

OP posts:
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