Don't know what to do about MIL and DP!

[Omgkittiess]

I've always had a very difficult relationship with MIL, always treading on eggshells around her as the smallest thing can set her off. She is constantly playing favourites between me and BILs partners, seems she can never like both of us at the same time, and will always try to play us off against each other, it worked with his ex and made things hell but luckily his current girlfriend has become a very close friend so we just ignore it mostly. For some reason she has decided my family(and BILs girlfriends too) are evil people trying to take over her role as parent, really not the case! When me and DP first got together she would be furious just at the thought of him spending time with family, he wasn't even allowed to come to my 18th birthday party. You can imagine the arguments that followed when we moved into a house closer to my mum (in the newer, quieter part of town so houses were nicer, it actually had nothing to do with being closer to my parents!) Despite this we always seem to spend more time with her.

I think because of how she is I've let her walk all over me and just given her what she wanted to avoid arguments, once she's started she can go on for a very long time.

My younger brother is going travelling at the end of this week for a year so on Friday we went out for dinner with my mum and her family and tonight we are supposed to be going out for dinner with my dad. MIL texted last night inviting us over for dinner, DP told her we couldn't as we're going for a meal for my brother. She then called him swearing and shouting about how she's doing this dinner especially for him as he told her he hasn't had a proper home cooked roast for ages (we usually just go to the carvery). DP just said to her he is sorry but we can't today maybe next weekend and ended the call.

So today I get a call from my dad asking if I want him to pick me up so I don't have to drive and can have a drink and he asks me what is wrong with DP as he texted my brother to tell him he won't be able to make tonight, he was at work so I had no idea he had texted so I called him. He decided he's going to go for dinner at MILs, I was so angry I just hung up before I said something I regretted. He then texted me saying "If you're going to be like this I won't bother. Im just trying to make our life easier so mum won't moan"!!!!!!

It's such a minor thing but I honestly am just at the end and it has upset me so much. I just don't know what to do now because I am so angry but no one seems to understand why. I honestly feel like crying, I will always be second best to MIL because she throws a better tantrum, it shouldn't have to be a competition.

Sorry it's long and thank you for letting me vent.

My partner took YEARS to stand up to his mother. Years and years. Please don't underestimate the enormous impact she will have on your entire life, if you stay with him. It's really, really hard to be happy in a couple with a mil like this and a dp who can't yet stand up to her.
I'm sorry but I would also recommend you get out now.

Get him the book by susan forward toxic parents. Get yourself a copy of toxic in laws.

other than MIL we have very few problems

Ahahahahaha. The song of many painfully divorced people.

Seriously, PPs are right, the problem is your partner and it will only get worse. Either he learns to stand up to her sharpish or your future is one of constant cycles of control, resentment and arguing until you can't do it anymore.

I would take a break from the relationship to think if you're willing to sign on for this for life, and I would think about that very very hard. He's told you already, directly, that you come after her and he'll do what she wants first. She is poison; you can live breathing it in for years till you don't even remember what it's like to be happy, or you can save yourself. Choose carefully.

OP,

What exactly did he mean by this?

If you're going to be like this I won't bother.

He won't bother with you? With the relationship? What exactly is he saying. Do you know?

Stop seeing her.
Tell your DP that you are not prepared to spend time with his mother any more.
You've had enough of her manipulative ways.
He can carry on but you are done.
Get him to Google FOG - fear obligation guilt.
He really needs to understand his mother is a toxic person.
He will never have a good relationship with anyone unless he get this sorted.
He is enabling her and he needs to stop.
Easier said than done but he needs to start putting boundaries in place.
Counselling might help him see his mother for what she really is?

Run. Pack your bags and move out.
MIL is never going to change. OH is probably never going to stand up for himself.

Run. You don't have kids n sound young. This is your Chance to be with someone who values u, your feelings and your happiness.

I don't want to end the relationship particularly as we've been together a while and other than MIL we have very few problems.

you can't divorce MIL from the whole relationship though.

it's a question of:

Can you be happy with him with his mother?

or

Would you rather be out?

You have to make the decision based on things as they are -now-. Not maybe-in-the-future.

If you decide you can live with things as they are, will you want children? Because she'll probably be 10 x worse if you have kids. Either she'll be interfering with how you bring them up, or she'll be demanding that your partner's attention goes to her, when it should be going to the children.

If - if - you decide you would rather walk, then you can negotiate from a position of independence with your partner. He might change or he might not. It's very hard. it might be an idea to set a (private) time limit and keep to it, and keep a clear head about how much independence from her he's really achieved.

But unless he does, you are going to carry on in this pattern for a long time.

My relationship with my MIL only improved once the situation erupted and I finally told her what I thought of her. I told her I would not be making any effort at all to see her and that she was a spiteful cow (she was).

Strangely enough we didn't speak for about 6 months then after that we got on, and still do. I was genuinely prepared to never speak to her again though and it was her that made amends. May not work for everyone but seemed she needed someone to tell her that they saw through her completely and wasn't prepared to put up with it before she had any respect for them.

What a shitty way to treat you, and so cowardly to not even tell you. He has clearly chosen his 'side' time and time again at your detriment, so what now? Continue down this ridiculous path where your MIL will cause more problems in your life as time goes on and commitments grown larger (can you imagine what she'll be like when you have kids?)? I know what I would be doing and it would involve packing my bags.

Stop pandering to her. Put the phone down if she strops. Ignore her.