Is he having Best of both worlds?

[isthiswhatiwant]

I have name changed for this for obvious reasons.

I met my Partner 7 years ago. We have been together ever since and have 2 children.

He cheated on me while I was pregnant and I found out just after our son was born. He assured me it was a dalliance because he was lonely. (Works away during the week)

Now we are 7 years in and he works away during the week. Me and the kids have a great routine with things and when he comes home at the weekend we all have a lovely time. He provides very very well for us and I am lucky to be able to stay at home with the children.

However

When we first got together he told me that his boss who also works away during the week had an arrangement with his wife were he could live like a single man during the week and play the husband at weekend and in return the wife and kids want for nothing.

Although I found nothing suspisious and I know he works long hours when away I can't get that out of my head. Im worried he thinks that's an ok set up and some nights during the week when I'm alone I wonder is he with someone else.

I'm a being silly? How do I deal with these feelings? I just don't know what to say to him about it without starting a holy row.

before you discuss it with him, why dont you ask citizens advice about where you stand with the house, his ex etc?

he'll probably tell you that everythings fine, which it is, for him....

Considering you have been together for such a long time and have two children and your are a sahm so that he can work away etc, divorcing his wife and adding your name in the lease would be his first things he should do.

Why has he not divorced her?

Start with this conversation. His reply will tell you a lot. You then move onto the next step.

Sorry op.

He was married abroad and reckons the reason he hasn't divorced her is he doesn't know how to get hold of the marriage cert.

I wonder what she gets out of them still being married?

I don't think she gets anything. She got the house and she shares but so far as I know she has no contact. She lives in a different country

Oh good grief. Start stashing money into a savings account would be my best advice.

Have you told him that now it's you who feels lonely? How are things between you in terms of being post his affair?

He starts by contacting the embassy of the country he married in. He need to speak to a solicitor and so do you.
If your concerned about broaching it with him, which you really shouldn't be. Then maybe say, you've heard/read something about a sham, being left with nothing when her partner left/died and it's got you concerned, what if....give him some scenarios and see if he's put anything in place for you and his children.

Does he go away to the same place? Sorry but I think he mentioned his boss' "setup" to gauge your reaction. He doesn't sound as committed to you as you are dependant on him. He isn't even divorced, does he have other children? His "ex" and any offspring could claim on his assets and pension.

I am sorry but it is ok not knowing how to do something, but it is not ok not taking the steps to get to know it.

If he is able to hold a job surely he is able to find the info on how to obtain such certificate and get a divorce.

The only difference between having time or not having time for smthng is caring. He is obviously not bothered to divorce because it'll make little difference to him, I presume. But he will make a lot of difference to you, and him failing to recognise that ir caring about that is key.

My xh was separated 3 years when I met him. Wife abroad. He contacted her to start divorce proceedings a month after we met. The were done in a couple of months. I didn't even ask as I had no rush to marry.

OP, you've realised you're in a very, very poor position if you do end up parting. You've given lots of reasons as to why you don't want to go back to work etc.

What do you propose doing?

I hope you both have up to date wills as otherwise his wife inherits assets/pensions etc if he were to pass away suddenly.

Start training in something asap and get some independence. If he cheated while you were pregnant that's enough to be suspicious about isn't it?

So just a thought. He keels over tomorrow and pops his clogs. Who gets the house? His pension?

I told him I want to discuss a few this this evening. We r taking the kids out for lunch and bowling so I will talk to him after that. Initially I want to see him apply for divorce and get a will written. That is a start anyway. Meantime I will set up a saver account

Good plan

Also don't forget a solicitor can locate any legal documentation necessary for divorcing his first wife I'm sure

He needs to divorce her asap! 10 years! So yes, that and your other plans (will etc) are a good start.

As for whether he is cheating, well he's done it before, so I suppose he could be. Is he secretive with his phone and laptop? I would be snooping to see if there's any evidence of such.

If he died tomorrow, everything would go to his wife.

Ok we had a chat and he's happy to divorce her. He felt cos I wasn't that bothered about getting married again that there was no rush but no I said I'd prefer he did he's happy to do it. I said I'd find out how to get cert.

We were then interrupted by kids so I will Broach the will subject this evening.

Thank you all for ur advice xxx